Self Triggering, wanting it.

Lately, iv'e been building a collection of icons, pics......song, that i KNOW will trigg. me to want to step off hard. I intentionally use these images and songs to induce the state of mind to cut up bad......LAST time....i did it on purpose, hit a vein, and BAD BAD scene hapenned. A B-Bath ensued.....for 5 hours........unstoppable, and i refuse medical help.....no more wards for me i swear. Thoughts are HUGE......the darkness is BLACK.....triggers are sledgehammers. And i do it to myself.....Pbucket has a LOAD of images that are shocking, graphic, and severely triggering.....so guess where i spend hours a day? And playing Sarah Mclauchlan songs.....another classic trigg. of mine.....a few close friends know i do this....most don't. Considering the past, and how much worse i am now......one of these times may be the last. Anf the more i do it, the better it gets for me......i'm finding myself intentionally setting the ball rolling almost all the time now.....i have a private collection of even MORE graphic images, and use them everyday.....like an addict. I can't stop this.....this time around, it's the darkness i curl up with that comforts me the most.....embracing the black, i am headed down a path rapidly......possibly a path with one place to end up......and i don't seem to care either.....is this snowball effect something of mine alone? Or do others deliberately induce the dark to come and embrace it like an old friend too?

The blackness is so warm......."memories seep from my veins" is a lyric i LIVE............the dark is so friendly, so inviting. Deliberate trigging to force a sh episode is possibly a sign of insanity? Delusional? Am i going crazier by the day.......is the nightmare black, or are the windows painted?! Why am i doing this.....seeking pro SH sites.....Anna sites.....more and more time spent colleciting the darkest most graphic images i can find.....saving them, posting them on my Fbook page? Craeting images proclaiming my pride in being one of those who walk in darkness.......hand in hand with demons once far away.

Am i getting crazier? Had a SEVERE schizophrenic break last wek......became almost INSTANTLY hellbent to step off permanently.

Is this ME taking the road to hell once again? After climbing out of a window there years ago, am i now banging on the door?

Worried.....yet strangely comforted.

Questioning, yet satisfied.

Can this be turned around.....and is it worth the risk to let go of something so satisfying?

Do i even WANT to get in the way of this avalanche? WHY?!

I don't know how, or why.....but i think i'm in love again......deep, passionate, crimson love. It's MINE.....it keeps the ordinary far away, being special, being addicted to pain......being harder, stronger........

Is this what i want?

The answer almost makes me smile inside.

Special, how you feel is not unusual sweetie.........when I used to SI, I often triggered myself or did it because I could........you smacked the issue right on the head, babe......ADDICTION. All those endorphins, nor -adrenaline, serotonin and other goodies are also released during sex and if you are in trauma........there is a fine, fine line between pleasure and pain....there are other, healthier ways of getting these goodies going, as I am sure you are aware.......

In saying that, you need to deal with this........your behaviour sounds like it is escalating.......don't do something you cannot come back from, sweetie.....

Take very good care of you......there is only one

In stillness........

I think......i WANT to be one of those blackened and bruised objects of morbid fascination like in my pics.......MY arm, MY face.....a grinning, jibbering, crimson nightmare in the flesh.....it makes me feel bigger, beter, special.....i'm SICK....and i like it. I want to take things SO far.....make the past look like a cartoon......waking up restrained in a ward.....biting stitches out.....taunting the staff to just TRY and stop this........try and KEEP me from destroying what is MINE to do with as i please. Iv'e lost so much in my life in the last month.......i want to BECOME that little pic in my profile pics that says "this is how i pay you back for EVERY SINGLE time you &^*#@^% made me cry"

I believe i am losing my mind......and it feels so good, so right......like an ice cream cone from a place you never want to believe exists....but are curious enough to try it.....and it tastes like nothing you have ever had......and all you want is MORE.

This is a feeling SO powerful.....unstoppable....so damn good, i just want to become the WORST, MOST DESTRUCTIVE, and SELF DANGEROUS person ever to walk this black earth......defying logic, ignoring pain, to become ANYONE'S worst nightmare, and boogey my way across a stage that has no exit.....no stairs.....to dance my way straight to hell.

Wanna Dance with Me?

If not, i can go myself. It's ok this time......really, it's fine.

Trust Me.

The darkness is coming again.......and i'm wearing my Sunday best.

specialdarkness, you are not losing your mind; for if you were, you would not be aware of it. you are just going through a hard, dark time. though not impossible to claw out of.
i used to be like this. now i have changed. ive gotten out of that dark, deep hole...
you can too.
but its down to you to fight back...
im sure deep down you dont want this.
but what do i know?...
keep yourself safe and dont do something youll regret ...

SD, I am so sorry that you are suffering so. Please don't continue down this path. Please decide to stop and try to walk back. I will support you here if you want............