[violetcoven]

Even though I sometimes feel numb, without any emotions at all, that's not the reason I've been cutting myself for the past year. Sometimes I feel as though I'm going to explode in sadness, anger, or just the frustration of life, and have to do something to let it all out and calm down. I can't scream, because I'm not the kind of person who wants others to know what I'm feeling. Especially not my parents. Sometimes I just clutch my face and scream in silence, other times digging my nails into my legs and scratching up my skin.

But most of the time, I turn to my knife, and cut. I used to do it on my wrist, but then my mom found out. The only way I could get out of it was to promise her to never do it again. She gave me my knife back. A while later, I did it again, rather deep. It's been three months since I had that knife, but I have multiple ones, so that didn't stop me. Now I put my ankle/foot.

But having to let it out isn't the only reason. I don't exactly love the pain, but I am absolutely fascinated by the blood. I like to draw with it. So yes, I get a short period of relaxation after I cut myself, with time to be enthralled with the blood, but once it's over, I feel really guilty.

The thought of discussing it with my parents/other adults makes me feel sick. Disgusted. I don't know why. I feel this warmth come over me, which makes me shudder and want to escape. Maybe it's called pity. Maybe it's care. But I hate it. I only don't mind it when it comes from my close, close friends. I love my parents and all, but... I don't know. I don't understand.

What do you think? What should I do? My friend - who also cuts himself - tells me that in years to come, I'm going to look back on this and curse myself for scarring up my body. But I've already destroyed my arms by picking them every night for five years, so what's a few more parts of my body? I know. I hate it. But I can't help but feel like a spirit inside a body, not actually attached. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see myself, but a person looking back at me. Someone unfamiliar.

He says to work on it, to cut only one place, and then slowly stop. I'm so confused. And this is not even one of my problems. This is just a slight worry in my life. I don't even think it makes the top ten list of things that I'm dealing with right now. Maybe at the very bottom. I don't know.

Any advice? All is appreciated =[ Thanks.

[Brittb2113]

were here for you.. i think you should talk to your parents even how weird it is.
Hang in there...

[MINIME]

Are you in school? A school counselor is a good personto talk to. I would love talk to you. PM if you want. I am the mom of my neices i adopted who are now 14 11 and I also have my nephew from a different sister who is 18. I used to cut myself at a younger age like high school about 15 years ago.

[MINIME]

SO Pm if you want cus I dont always look at the threads I reply to and I dont want to miss you ok? If you want I can give you my email address.

[Sannah]

Violet can you get a therapist? It sounds like you aren't able to express your emotions? You sound young to have a lot of problems, I'm sorry!