More Frequent

I guess. I feel like as long as the abuse still occurs there will be something holding me back from getting better, from improving.

This is true, this is why people avoid family. I know you had no choice this time.

There will be other times, that's the only problem. Just because they're abusive doesn't mean I want to completely block them out. The only problem is that unless I decide to I'm not going to get better and that problem will still be there.

My mother loves him yet he abuses her too. She tries to hide it but I can see the pain in her eyes. I know it's not productive for me but I feel like if I'm around he abuses me and not her, which is for the most part true. It would temporarily alleviate some of her pain. That's why I go back, not for me but for my mother. (this time it just so happens to be for my grandpa as well...) It's ultimately her decision to stand up to him but both my mother and I find ourselves powerless in this situation. I'm 22 and powerless against him. It's hard to stand up and fight when you've been belittled and kept down for so many years.

I looked through the pages of the thread and it's a bunch of the same things. I feel like I'm going around in circles and not making any progress.

Yes, you can only solve your problems and your parents will have to solve theirs.

Yes, this is why some people chose to keep away so they can heal. If you visit occasionally you will still have plenty of time to heal, though.

I was just thinking minutes ago how you are really opening up right now. I don't think you have repeated anything. You are just going more in depth now.

Knowing them nothing will get solved.

I want to but I'm not sure if it would be best for me to still have contact and visit during that time.

I guess?

And this usually is how it happens. They have had these issues for what 30 years? Accepting this is hard.

But if you heal, them seeing you behaving in a healthy way could affect them, but you have to heal first. This sort of happened with me. After I healed I could step back and not enter the dysfunction. With my healthier responses, this did affect my parents in a positive way. Is my mom all healed and better? No, but my interaction with her is not as dysfunctional anymore and this is a positive.

You will be able to figure this out as it progresses. Save the future for the future.........

I'm pretty sure they have no clue that what they do has an effect on me, and if the do they probably don't care because it's still going on. That or they can't control it.

I guess I'll have to wait and see?

My guess is that they are clueless and from all the stories that I have heard you can tell them and they just aren't able to hear it. They are probably just protecting their egos subconsciously????

Don't worry, you are making progress, opening up here is a step in the right direction. As far as your family situation, things will improve as time progresses. You can do it, and heal.

Here's a little something I learned. Healing takes time, and there is nothing we can do to speed it up. Just take it one step at a time. One day at a time. One minute at a time, if nessicary. Things will improve.

"I'm pretty sure they have no clue that what they do has an effect on me, and if the do they probably don't care because it's still going on. That or they can't control it." _moon_

I was impressed by this, since it applies to a lot of people out there. But I am sure that at some times, they might just care, and change. It will take time for them to realize it/you to tell them. Sometimes we have to speak up, at the right time.

It could be trying to protect their egos but I'm not sure if that would be right...

Puzz that's the thing, I'm not sure if I can do it.

I'm hoping that they do change but am expecting that they won't. I don't want to tell them the stories, I don't want them to know about what I've done. They'd feel terrible and no matter how much I hate them for what they did to me, it made me strong. It made me who I am today. I may not seem strong but if it weren't for them I wouldn't have been forced to grow up so quickly. I've handled things in a less than healthy way and completely admit to it, but it's all I know. I don't really know how to explain it but I hate them, disrespect them, wish they weren't my parents but they are my parents and for that I am thankful I guess. I don't know. Maybe I'm just ranting too much...

This comment reminds me of a rather obscure concept:

This ability to hold conflicting ideas about the same thing is known in psychology as cognitive polyphasia. Cognitive polyphasia thus refers to a state in which different kinds of knowledge, possessing different rationalities live side by side in the same individual or collective.

You both hate and disrespect them but also protect them because they are your parents.

While cognitive polyphasia is perhaps a curiosity, the issue is more about how what occurred affects your sense of worth and your dealings with others not your parents. The process of enhancing both is a proper role of professionals.

Good luck.

Oh my gosh! My roommate must have told my boyfriend I went on a trip cause well he came and flew out to Cali just to see me. I've spent the whole day with him and he said he's not going to leave until I go back to NY. He said that he'll take care of me.

That was nice of him.

The thing is I feel a bit threatened that he's coming into my family life too. I don't want him to see how they treat me. When I walk into my parents' house I'm a completely different person and I don't want him to see that either. I have to be strong and act like I don't care when I'm there even when I feel weak. They'll yell at me otherwise and revert to name calling.

I'm so glad he's here though, because now I know that he'll support me, but I'm wondering how far that will go. Would be really protect me or would he run away again like he did before?

I actually want to go back to therapy but can't until I get home. The only thing is I'm not sure if I could really share all of this to my T, at least not right away. I do not feel comfortable sharing with her but well if I don't I'm not really sure what will happen.

Hopefully it will go well for you. And hopefully he will stay and protect you and not run away. And I'm not sure what to say on the part about talking with your T. I can't even talk about everything to anyone except for on here. I'll be thinking about you and hoping it all works out!

Liz, copy your posts for later reference. I hope you are able to open up to your therapist. No one can help you with what they do not know about.

Good luck.

If your T is good, she will help you answer the questions you are asking....she will help you put your feelings about your parents into perspective......their purpose is to help sort through all the troubles we have in life......that is what we hire them to do...however it's not always what happens especially when we have very difficult things we can't talk about that are really the foundation of all our problems.

Alcoholism is an illness......something that without help your father can't stop any more than your SI. It isn't right, & there are many people who want to stop....but there usually has to be a reason they want to stop....if their life continues & they find no reason to change (like loosing their daughter possibly)....there will be no change. Sometimes it takes confrontation to get through that there is a problem.

I have realized that we are not strong enough to heal ourself or make ourselves better. Without therapy of some sort, & we have no one to hold ourselves accountable to for our actions, healing just doesn't happen as we just don't have the energy to force it let along the knowledge of how that healing.

I walked out of a 33 year marriage (that wasn't good) moved across the country all alone, not knowing anyone here. I have never been more happy & found true friends that I had never had before either. Also found a wonderful Psychologist that I just started with & am getting to know a bit....going to be a lot of work as I don't let things out from inside.....some I don't even think I know what's in there.....but when we are hurting on the outside such as with SI & other issues, we need to work on those things if we really want to get better.

That same desire of healing that you need to have is the same desire your parents need to have rather than being stuck in their rut also. Not easy for a daughter to let their parents know that they are the mess that has caused them to be the mess they are.....the truth hurts....& most of the time we don't want to hurt others let alone hurt ourselves. That is why we need a good T to help us know how to handle these situations so we don't have to figure out what to do on our own....as our T gets to know us, they will know better what we need to do for our healing & can help guide us into what actions we need to take.....& work with us on what to do.

Give the therapy a chance to work when you get back to NY....it isn't a quick fix, & real help takes a long time as it didn't happen overnight either.

You can do it......with good support. Glad your BF realized that he cared enough to go to CA for you......that says a lot about his feelings for you. His wanting you to get help for your SI is important.....anytimes we continue to let someone do something we know isn't ok & support them.....that ends up enabling them rather than helping them.....forcing isn't the right way either, but encouraging (which may feel like forcing at times) is important. I think if your BF sees that you are going to do something to get help for yourself when you get back to NY, you will continue to see his wonderful support.

HOping all this gets sorted out in your life.....remember we can't do it alone....the more support & help you get, the better it will go for you all the way around

Moon, in time you can open up, but gain that therpist trust first before sharing the BIG things. It takes time to build trust, even withthe professionals. but after that turst, and time have expired then, you will be able to share some of the things you have posted here. Give it time, and hang in there, things will get better. (they just have to get better) Here's one other thing too, If your boyfriend runs, then he is not for you. If he stays, Hang on to him, he's a good guy. Rememeber the Good ones stay where as the other ones Run. It may be hard for him to see what really is going on but, he may be able to help you get through it.

This is definitely an issue that you will need to work through. I can understand how you can love them and hate them. You have good reasons for both. You will work through this.

Wow, I'll bet his coming out made you feel really good! How is it going?

If you keep working on opening up in therapy, you will do it. Opening up is essential for healing. You will get there.

I'm going to update before I respond to any of the above posts, as it may take a while for me to respond to all the fabulous posts.

So I just got home and am pretty happy to be back, but the problems awaiting my return are a bit overwhelming. I know adjusting back will be a bit hard but I'll manage.

edit: I'll respond later, I'm exhausted from the plane ride and need to relax.