self injury?

At the recent failure of my attempt at a relationship with a man, a Ph.D. in Psychology, who rejected me, I have recurring daily/nightly visualizations of stabbing myself in the heart with a sharp knife. I haven't felt this since I was age 20 and in college after a similar painful and abusive relationship with my first sexual experience.. Now, at age 54, divorced 8 years, refraining from any contact with a man for three years only to experience this recent failure/rejection, I am struggling with humiliation. When the s++t hit the fan and I realized it was truly over, I spent the entire evening hitting myself over the head, and slapping myself. I only spent one evening beating up on myself, but the knives in the heart visualizations continue. I hope they subside soon!
I am an educated woman, a teacher and currently in graduate school in Fine Art. I have a wonderful daughter and lovely twin toddler grandsons, age 3. I also have a nice home and good friends, though I have burdened them with my recent debacle at dating. I hope to move beyond this soon.
Does this sound like self-abuse/self-injury?
Seeker

I moved this post to its own thread so that people will see it and you will get more replies, and also added a trigger icon. -Rapunzel

Seeker, yes, when you hurt yourself as a way to manage your emotions and feelings, or to cope, that is self injury. Like you, many of us who use this kind of coping method are high-achievers with lots of stuff that we do well, and lots of evidence we can show to prove it. We don't like feeling like our lives are out of our control, and this is one way of feeling like we have some control. It can also be a way to show that you have been hurt. I'm concerned about the ideation you have about stabbing yourself, even if it is something you would never do, and I hope that that stops soon also. We don't think about things like that for no reason though. You're welcome to come here and talk, but I hope that you will also get some professional help. That's really what it takes to get over feelings that are this powerful and confusing.

Best Wishes,
Rap

<font color="green"> So sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you can let the pain go and realize you are worth a lot more than that creep offered. I used to hit myself too but moved on to worse things. You don't deserve to hurt. You deserve to be cherished and loved. Look into your grandbabies' eyes and see how they love you. That is a true measure of your worth. </font>

Hey I actually know the answer.....Yes the hitting of yourself would be classified as self injury. However, the thoughts of stabbing yourself are not but a form of OCD kicked out by extream stress. I was actually refused by a psychward for this reason. I kept thinking I would stab myself in the eye. The pdoc on call refused me said it was ruminating. Years have passed and I am fine. I do not however have a DX of OCD but have obsessive tendencies that can be triggered by stress..this rejection you feel triggered you

HUGS call your T and relax but please no more self harm

yes ma'am everyone has already answered but another opinion might help. yes hitting urself counts as si.

I know this is not "useful" info, but sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone.

BIG TRIGGER BELOW!

I have a similar type of ideation when I'm broken-hearted. Wanting to cut the heart out of my chest and/or cut in a fashion on my chest that "symbolizes" removing my heart. For me, it's part of a fantasy that cutting out my heart would cut the pain out. But we all know it doesn't work that way *sigh*

I feel your pain.

I think so too.

Also, I took notice of your explaining the failed relationship was "with a PhD" and am thinking you're thinking that that makes it your fault. (For surely someone with a PhD must be doing everything right, right?) WRONG. Be gentle with yourself. TC

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Again everyone before has answered your question about it being self injury, but i also want you to know that you're not alone and that you can talk to us here. We wont judge you or anything like that. The people here are really nice and always willing to listen.take care.

max

The responses here have been very comforting. I thank you all. The episode of physically hitting myself was triggered by the revelation from the man (Ph.D. in Psychology, no less), that he had read my posts on an old forum for recovery from relationships with a Narcissist. That old relationship of three+ years ago had left me humiliated and desiring solitude. The forum was very helpful, but I had used my common user name, with which the Ph.D. was familiar since he had contacted me thru my seller site on Ebay where I also use it. When the man sent me this message at my work (art teacher) via email, I sat at school all day feeling numb and violated, then coming home to the self-hitting episode, and from thereon the images of stabbing myself in the heart. I tried to explain away much of the old posts to him, which were prior to my meeting him, but it was too late, of course, and I see clearly that after he read them, midway thru our brief, but intense association, that that was when he began to withdraw. So, I felt very flawed, while feeling he was "perfect."
I think, though, that in a loving relationship, even if I had read posts by the man with whom I was involved, if I genuinely cared for him, I would not reject him. Also, I believe that I AM entitled to express anxiety if I feel it, to question motives and intentions after my long history with dysfunctional relationships with men. Anyone is entitled to that.
The sexual intimacy between us was so good, but there were no endearments from him, and when I made loving comments afterward, they were met with silence. That was true from the start, and the source of much of my anxiety. I know I don't want that; I was married to that for 20+ years.
Seeking