[Mike_J]

I’m afraid

No that isn’t accurate, I’m terrified

I know I can hold on for a while longer, but not forever

I’m looking for a reason to keep holding out, putting off what I know I will do, but it seems like such wasted effort, why not just do it, get it over with, let go of the struggle, why fight when you know you can’t win.

I’m tired, I just want to be free from this pain

I hate what I have done with my life, I have people who depend on me, letting them into my life wasn’t fair to them, I’m going to let them down.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, just venting I guess

[findingmy_self95]

I know how you feel but think about not only the pain your suffering through but the pain you will inflict on others if you do it. I had my failed attempt and Im 15. Truthfully I want to do it again, but I know its not worth trying again, to put my parents and sibilings through that again.....

[Katileena]

MIKE! I am here for you! Call me if you need to talk.

You have NOT wasted your effort...you are struggling, but you are living! You will get through this too. There are people who LOVE you....me included! Don't forget the hope in this life! You are a good person, a strong, caring person. Nothing, absolutely nothing you have done in the last few months has been a waste of time! It has all been part of you....I know only you can help yourself get better, but if there was anything in my power to make you better, I would do whatever it took!

It's okay to be scared.....terrified even. So am I! But we're not alone...

So you can't hold on forever....who says you will feel like this tomorrow? or the next day...month...year?! You only have to hold on for tonight....

What is the plan, Mike_J? Are you receiving professional help? What would make you less scared? What healthy activity can you substitute for harming yourself?

http://www.vinland.org/scamp/institute/friends.html

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

What is the plan, Mike_J? Are you receiving professional help? What would make you less scared? What healthy activity can you substitute for harming yourself?

Plan? I didn’t know fear/terror needed a plan, to me it just exists.

Yes I’m seeing a therapist, she is awesome the fact that I’m still alive is proof of that.

And I’m in no immediate danger of SI (or worse), so I don’t have to worry about substituting something else for SI, at least not for the moment.

And as for what would make me less scared? I really really don’t think you want me to answer that question.

[thine_self_untrue]

(((((((((((Mike J))))))))))))
Listen to Katileena ^^

[Sannah]

Mike what are you working on in therapy right now?

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Mike what are you working on in therapy right now?

Wow, that seems like such an easy question that you asked, but I’m struggling to come up with an answer, lots of things really. Our last session focused mostly on me re-affirming my promise/commitment to her not to end my life. Also we have been debating the importance of me coming to terms with my childhood neglect, to me it is what it is, trying to understand it isn’t as important as just moving forward, but I could be wrong about that.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you have a great therapist. "Coming to terms with it". What I did was look at how it affects me now. Are you doing any of that?

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sounds like you have a great therapist. "Coming to terms with it". What I did was look at how it affects me now. Are you doing any of that?

Yes, she wants me to let go of my anger about my past, not sure that I can do that, and I know I don’t want to even if I could. I use my anger to keep me focused (in a good way). She feels my anger is holding me back, and I need to let it go, and she keeps telling letting go of my anger isn’t the same as forgiving those I’m angry with.
We keep coming back to this topic, something I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree about.

[Sannah]

I think I agree with you. You have to work through your anger not let it go because someone tells you to. Anger is a normal reaction when we have been wronged. Maybe this is why you feel suicidal because this makes you feel invalidated or something like that? Are you and your therapist talking through the issues that are making you angry? Having someone validate our anger and empathize with it is what makes it dissipate.

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think I agree with you. You have to work through your anger not let it go because someone tells you to. Anger is a normal reaction when we have been wronged. Maybe this is why you feel suicidal because this makes you feel invalidated or something like that? Are you and your therapist talking through the issues that are making you angry? Having someone validate our anger and empathize with it is what makes it dissipate.

She understands and agrees that I have every right to be angry, what was done to me was wrong. Where we disagree on is if I should hold onto my anger or to let it go, not to forgive what was done to me, but to stop giving others power over me through my anger. I feel that my anger is a tool, much like a compass something that keeps me going in the right direction, also a source of strength. Clearly it only works in limited situations because clearly not all aspects of my life are headed in the correct direction.

[Sannah]

Hmmmm, very interesting. So your anger serves a purpose for you, fills a need. No wonder you don't want to let go of it. Can you possibly think this through to the point where you can meet this need in another way so that you won't need to hold onto the anger? And would this anger fuel your SI?

[Mike_J]

No, the anger in me doesn’t fuel my SI, my SI is about hating myself, hating who I am.

The real sick thing is that I’m a good person I really am, I know that I can see it in my actions, how I care about others, I have all the indications that I’m a good person but I still hate myself.

In a twisted way that anger, that refusal to be like the –expletive deleted- jerks who raised me, or who claim to have raised me, makes me the good person I know I am, just wish I could push that knowledge out of my head and into my heart.

Oh, almost forgot to mention I SUCK

[Sannah]

So your anger is what makes you different from your parents? (I know that you are different from them. I was just wondering what you think.)

So your anger doesn't get redirected towards yourself and make you hate yourself?

Are you working on this self hate in therapy?

[Mike_J]

"Self Loathing" is the term my therapist tends to use. And yes this is something that we have been working on from the very beginning.

It’s not my anger that makes me different than my parents, it’s my actions. All my anger does is keep me focused, some people when faced with a moral decision ask themselves "what would Jesus do?" and then that is what they do.

I ask myself "What would my father do?" then I do the exact opposite

[Sannah]

So I'm still not sure what purpose that your anger is serving?