[paintingravens]

I just show it in different ways now. Ways that are not necessarily any less harmful, but ARE, in fact, more socially acceptable... How ****ed up is that? For instance, I've been bordering on addicted to nicotine since last may (or maybe I'm in denial with that, too), and I never used to smoke before. I'd never even thought about even touching cigarettes since before I started thinking about trying to quit cutting. I mean, even after three months straight, day after day, thinking about why I should stop cutting (yes, my summer consisted mostly of this in my offtime, among other things)... the more I realized that I see even LESS of a reason why I should stop. Now I feel like I'm doing it as a big **** YOU to everyone, and I like it, among other reasons. But even if I didn't feel so rebellious with it, I'd still be getting something from it.
I like the feeling of pain.
I like watching me bleed.
Life is about embracing every sensation that comes our way, right? So why do we embrace only pleasure but never pain?
I'm actually very scared right now, because I'm seriously thinking I could be capable of cutting something too deeply right now, of accidentally "slipping"... And I would not only enjoy it, but I'm afraid it would be something to warrant an ambulance. I mean. I'm not sure. I've been getting on and off of the computer writing this... Maybe I'm feeling better by this point. I really don't know. I think I'll try to take a quick nap.

[Sannah]

PR, I think that you know that you are in dangerous territory. Are you still seeing a therapist?