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  #1  
Old Oct 03, 2010, 12:14 AM
BrokenNBeautiful's Avatar
BrokenNBeautiful BrokenNBeautiful is offline
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Location: I live with myself. Because that is all I can depend on. Everthing around me changes.
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Today I had a really bad time.

I pray it's because my special friend (monthly) is visiting now.

I did some si behaviors again.

It's because I hate myself so much and feel like such a stupid person.

I chatted with some ppl though just now and am coming out of it.

I call these si times "fugues" because it seems like I am *not* myself when they are happening.

This is my first time on this particular forum.

I don't si as much as I used to but I still do.

And today was just awful.

And it's so hard when I don't have any access to therapy (making too little or too much money)

Billi
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The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!

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  #2  
Old Oct 03, 2010, 02:20 AM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Do you understand what leads up to these fugues?
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #3  
Old Oct 03, 2010, 05:39 PM
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Christina86 Christina86 is offline
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Sorry you had a bad day Billi.

Have you considered maybe doing online therapy? It's pretty cheap usually.

Do you have any idea what your triggers are?
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I feel like I'm another person...
  #4  
Old Oct 04, 2010, 12:51 PM
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BrokenNBeautiful BrokenNBeautiful is offline
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I have done online therapy, you can go to my profile and read my posts about my experiences with it. They were not good.

I also can't find any online that is cheap yet.

I do understand what leads me to the fugues---feeling re-traumatized again by childhood abuse.

Usually I go into these fugues when I perceive myself once again as a "bad" person. And this is usually when I make a mistake of any kind.

Billi
__________________
The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!
  #5  
Old Oct 04, 2010, 02:29 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billi_leli View Post
I do understand what leads me to the fugues---feeling re-traumatized again by childhood abuse.

Usually I go into these fugues when I perceive myself once again as a "bad" person. And this is usually when I make a mistake of any kind.
So you go into the fugues when you are triggered?

You feel that you cannot make mistakes?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #6  
Old Oct 05, 2010, 12:38 PM
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BrokenNBeautiful BrokenNBeautiful is offline
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Location: I live with myself. Because that is all I can depend on. Everthing around me changes.
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yes.

I was not allowed to be imperfect, growing up.

If I went under a B in school or misbehaved or committed any faux pas, i was severly criticised and even sometimes threatened with disownment or death.

Billi
__________________
The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!
  #7  
Old Oct 05, 2010, 02:56 PM
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Sannah Sannah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billi_leli View Post
I was not allowed to be imperfect, growing up.

If I went under a B in school or misbehaved or committed any faux pas, i was severly criticised and even sometimes threatened with disownment or death.
When you get triggered today do you try to separate this past from the moment that you are being triggered?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........

I'm an ISFJ
  #8  
Old Oct 07, 2010, 01:06 PM
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BrokenNBeautiful BrokenNBeautiful is offline
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Location: I live with myself. Because that is all I can depend on. Everthing around me changes.
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sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

B.
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The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!
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