[Fox]

Going through some of my stuff from my recent hospitalization. Found this and thought I'd share, maybe it'll give some comfort to someone else.

Stripes - by Fox August 16, 2010

It is said a picture is worth a thousand words. As I look at my arms I'm instantly transported to another place, another time. Fresh marks reveal years of unresolved grief. The whispers and shouting become unbearable. The others who share this space in my head, each with their own story . . . we don't always get along; in fact, we rarely get along. However, we need to start working together.

These self-inflicted wounds, how I hate them. I'll never understand how anyone could mutilate their own body. Haven't we been punished enough? The harder I try, the harder we fall. I'm not giving up. Someday we'll succeed. Albert Einstein failed many times, nobody calls him a failure. Yet, I find myself paralyzed by fear itself. One day I'll fall and won't have the strength to get to pull myself up. What then? May that never happen.

So here we are, working through triggers, stressors, and internalized emotions nobody can see or feel. We wallow in self pity, but now we need to come out of our hole and move forward. I need to look at my arms and not see failure anymore. They are the pictures illustrating my struggles for comfort, safety, and acceptance. One day the evidence will fade and I will be strong again. The memories will be there but perhaps the sting of the past will have left with my scars.

---------------

It's been three months now that we're in December and my scars are still pretty red. But hopefully they won't be permanent. Now when I look at them I feel shame and guilt but I hope that I continue on my journey in life and follow a path to happiness and freedom. SI is not that road, that's the road that leads to more pain and misery. Even if my scars are permanent maybe one day they'll serve as a reminder of that road that led to destruction.

[puzzclar]

Fox, just keep on the other road of life, and if you need strenght just remember that there are others out there that can be of help for you. And try and stay away form destruction, it only leds to more saddness. You can do this, you can stay on the right path. Just like others out there before you.

[Fox]

Thanks puzz. This next stretch is going to be really rough. I just lost my only source of income tonight. But I'll be alright, I'll get through it. I'll be okay. It's only money, not someone's life.

[Sannah]

You lost your job Fox?

[Fox]

Sannah yeah the business closed permanently last night and nobody knew except the owners. My supervisor called as soon as she found out. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I'll just keep hanging in there. I'm just going to have to let my step-dad keep supporting me till either I find a job that understands my MI and won't over work me again, or I get my SSI. Whichever happens first.

[phoenix7]

((((((Fox))))) how are you doing?

[Fox]

{hugs p7 back} Hanging in there. So far succeeded in staying safe. Thought of going back to the hospital last night but figured I'm better off toughing it up at home. My parents fight me over going there. My brother always had to fight them too to get them to take him when he needed to. They don't seem to understand the point of going inpatient.

How've you been hon? I've missed everyone so much.

[phoenix7]

ive been but thats the way it goes - one step at a time

we've missed you too

[Fox]

{giggles at the pic} Thanks for making me laugh p7 you're a good friend. I'm sorry you're having ups and downs. Life should be more ups than downs, it's better that way.

[puzzclar]

Yes but with out the downs, how can we apricate the ups. Life needs opposition in all things. To help us know what is good, and what is not.

[Fox]

I disagree. That statement is true for some people, but not for me.

[phoenix7]

they say it takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow

and i guess if we were happy al the time would we thenrealise what hapiness was?....... ooh P7 is getting philosophical RUN EVERYONE RUN!!!! lol

sooo cute

[Fox]

I know when things are good not because of the absence of bad, but because of the presence of good. Just like I don't have to experience good to know when things are bad. It's not the absence of good that makes the bad so bad, it's the presence of bad that makes something bad.

[puzzclar]

Then what truely is a Rainbow??? You may not expernence each and every bad or good thing but you have learned from others. Therefore, what is a rainbow? Just saying....