trying so very hard not to

the urge is so incredibly strong tonight. i tried journaling, but it didn't help. i know i should use my dbt skills, but i can't focus on that. i think i need to rpactice more when i'm not feeling this low. i'm trying, i really really am. but it seems that cutting would be the only thing that could make me feel better tonight.

((((((((((whenwillitend))))))))))
Sending you many hugs. Please know that these feelings will pass sooner than you think. Is there anybody you can talk to about this? Or are there any activities that would distract you during this tough time? I hope you are feeling better soon.

thank you! there's noone to talk to, i'm all alone. except for the kids, but they're asleep.

i don't have the energy to do anything else. cutting is all i can think about.

i wish I could help....been there so many times myself and trying to think what my therapist said....it all goes out the window doesn't it?


Remember it's a short-term release and then you feel like crap afterwards. Like drinking a bottle of vodka - seems like a good idea at the time but in the morning.....

is there something? even a tiny little something to distract you? TV? trashy magazine? Damn I wish I could remember things....

Or just keep on here huh? ramble away, it's better than hurting yourself ok?

made it through the night without hurting myself. but still feeling like doing it. it's still constantly on my mind. we'll see if i can make it another day.

Glad that you made it through the night. I'm sure you can make it through today as well. Just try to keep busy, and post here whenever you want. We're here to listen.

Do you know what triggered these urges? Time to practice the DBT skills? Are you going to discuss this with your therapist?

thank you.

i don't think there is one trigger that i could identify. i get the urge when i'm depressed, stressed, overwhelmed, in "i hate myself" mode. all of which apply right now.

Are you working on this in therapy?

we did the dbt stuff, but right now we're not really working on anything. we just do a quick "checking in".

Are you going to do any further work?

i have no idea. i just follow her lead. not a big talker in therapy. we tried the emdr too, but that didn't go too well for me.

Can you ask or tell her what you need?

she always asks me if there's anything i want to talk about, but i always say no. i just can't bring myself to say anything. to bring up anything. i don't know why. it's been like that with all my t's.

i don't think i'll be able to fight it anymore tonight. i'm looking forward to my older one going to bed, so i can cut.

hey, I just thought...would it be easier if you wrote down what you needed from your therapist and let her read that instead of talking? That way you can do it at home where there's no pressure?

You should be proud of yourself for holding out. We'd all rather you didn't cut but every time you don't, or every time you hold out, it's an achievement. Even if it's 15 minutes.

When i read your post, I thought it was one of mine. I felt like I was looking in a mirror at myself. I cut also and did about three nights ago, both arms. It makes me feel like all the pain and hurt goes away. Normally it is just lines sometimes words like hate, stupid, etc.
I have kids in the house that i hide this from plus family members as well. Since it is winter, it is a little easier to hide. I use to do it all the time as a teen but it has only been the past month that I have started again.
I hope that you can find a way to get past the feeling of wanting to cut and focus on something positive.

i failed. i'm such a failure. i'm sorry. you're all so nice and i'm just an idiot. i'm sorry.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
You tried to hold on, you did. it's ok. So you slipped? So what? You can try again, it doesn't mean that everything is lost. It's like smoking, drinking, drugs...self harm is a habit, a coping mechanism. It is very very bad for you but I don't think any of us are very good at going cold turkey!

I am still proud of you - because you are trying, you are talking about this, you know we are not going to judge you for anything. I wish I could say something non-schmaltzy....

it's such hard work huh? Please be good to yourself, you deserve only the best right now ok?

You do this for a reason. Did you cut last night because you think that when you do this ^ you are a failure? You aren't a failure. You do this because of what has happened to you. You are just responding to the things that have happened to you. What do you think that you are thinking when she wants you to talk? What are you fearing?

don't know. it's like my mind goes blank. can't think.

i'm just a waste of time and space.

WWIE, you are not a waste of space. When did you start thinking this about yourself?

Totally not aa waste of space. Advice that i need to be giving myself. I completely understand how cutting can make you feel better but everyone is right. It is not good for you.
Maybe you can try to write a letter to your therapist to explain how you feel, it maybe easier to read a letter than to talk from your mind..

have no strength left. know i'm going to do it again tonight. i just can't fight it anymore. i'm weak. a failure. shouldn't be here.

((((((((((((((((WWIE)))))))))))))))))
PLease please PLEASE don't think this about yourself. PLEASE talk to your T. Right now. Or someone!

You are beautiful and unique, you are NOT a failure. I wish I could reach through this computer and be there for you, I have been exactly where you are right now. I don't know how to help you but I don't want you to think this way. PLease ring the emergency line or something, I found it damn hard to do but it was worth it, they don't care if you're snotty and crying and rambling incomprehensibly, it's their job to help you

can't do phones. just can't. i wish i could email my t. that would make things so much easier.

thanks, but really, im 'just a waste of time. i know i'm going to cut again tnoight, lettin g everyone down. my mom was right, i can't do anything right.