[Lacer Vita]

i don't deserve to post here. because unlike so many brave others, i'm not going to seek help. i had an appt with a pysche, but i cancelled at the last minute. i just can't bring myself to go through doctors and medications again. i don't want to talk to them and be seen as crazy. i did that for so many years. it doesn't matter.

i shouldn't be writing here. i'm sorry.
but i really
desperately
want to cut. i have a pack of razors hiding in my underwear right now, as i don't have any pockets. i don't want my husband to know i'm about to cut again... even though he'll find out later. i don't want to do this to him. and i don't want to make new scars. just in time for swimming season. i already have scars from last fall that make wearing a bathing suit impossible. but maybe by next year...

that's so far away. it's hard to resist something today for something i might be able to do a year from now. i have a horrible willpower problem. which is a terrible copout.

maybe i'll be able to put these away, and just go to bed. maybe i can do it. i just feel so bad. why am i such a people pleaser, to the neglect of myself? why am i always trying to escape reality?

doesn't matter. sorry, all. i hope you're okay. take care of you, kay? you're needed in this world.

[thine_self_untrue]

Friend the only one who is judging you here is yourself. If only the "worthy" got to post, I wouldn't be here and I imagine PC would be a much smaller place. This is a place for support and I think we all deserve that, don't you?

I know how you feel about swim suit season. I won't be wearing one this year either.

What are some ways you have dealt with urges in the past? Anything in your bag of tricks you can use here? Also you might wanna check the "Things to Do Instead" sticky at the top of this forum.

You are not weak or unworthy for being tired of fighting. Sometimes the hardest person to stand up for is yourself. You are needed and important too. Take care.

[Lacer Vita]

Thank you, thine_self_untrue. I am, indeed, way too hard on myself. My expectations are impossibly high for me, while being totally reachable and compassionate for everyone around me. It's a problem.

I made it through last night, though. I distracted myself with cracked.com articles until I was too tired to bother with cutting. Sure, I'm kinda tired today because of it, but it's a peaceful tired.

*hugs*

[thine_self_untrue]

You are very welcome. I have that same bad habit of being harsh with myself but being very compassionate to everyone else. Something to work on, eh?

Good for you, distracting yourself! That is usually what works best for me, too. I am glad you made it through last night. Keep us posted, okay? You're important too.

[Sannah]

I think that you can find a therapist who doesn't see you as crazy. Did you have some bad experiences with therapists?