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Grand Member
Member Since May 2004
Location: Inside myself
Posts: 986
20 
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Jan 01, 2006 at 02:27 AM
#1
<font color="red">~~EXTREME SI TW~~</font>
I want to hurt myself. I feel like if I hit my head, burn or cut my arm, bite my hand hard enough--or enough times...I may finally FEEL. I may feel human of some sort. The rhythm of my hitting my head soothes something inside me. The sizzle of burning, which turns into a tangible presense sometimes lets me know I am real. The feeling of blood trickling down my arm is the only thing I feel when I cut. Biting tires my jaw, so I feel that...and also leaves a temporary tangible presence. I don't know how to feel...this is the only feeling I get...at all, the ones I listed. How do I get past this? CAN I get past this? I don't really care, either way...but I know others do. They don't like it and find it surprising to say the very least. *bang, bang, bang* always in threes *burn, burn, burn, burn, burn* always in fives *cut, cut, cut* always in threes *bite, bite, bite, bite, bite* always in fives I want to so badly...just for a brief moment to feel... ...just to feel... |
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Grand Member
Member Since Jul 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 581
19 |
Jan 01, 2006 at 12:23 PM
#2
I'm so sorry you feel this way BP. I wish I could help.
__________________ ...she's a difficult girl...
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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Jan 01, 2006 at 01:18 PM
#3
In the book Managing Stress through Art there is an exercise called containment box. This helps me alot when I get like this.
The basics of it is get drawing materials of your choice and draw the type of containment box, locks and setting you think you need to contain the out of control feelings that will allow you to be able to walk away from that feeling. I took that exercise and instead of drawing it I made it. I took a shoe box and top and covered it in construction paper. I chose brown for wood and or soil for burying it. then inside I divided it into two sections one larger than the other by folding and glueing construction paper like a dividing wall. In the smaller section I keep a pen, marker, pencil, red crayon, and a black crayon and post it sized pads of paper. Then when I get like this I go to the box and write one word per piece of paper and placing them as is, crumbled ripped whatever in the larger section the I put the top on and literally walk away from the box and go for a walk or bike ride.Maybe this can help you too. take care. and hang in there. |
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
21 132 hugs
given |
Jan 01, 2006 at 02:30 PM
#4
BP, it sounds to me like there must be something in your life that you are shutting off, and that's causing all of your feeling to be shut off to keep it out. I don't know what that is, but hurting yourself isn't going to bring back your ability to feel. You're going to need to work with your T and find out what is scaring you so badly, and see what you can do to address that. I know it's easier said than done, but we're here with you and will continue to support you and care about you.
Rap __________________ “We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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Grand Member
Member Since May 2004
Location: Inside myself
Posts: 986
20
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Jan 01, 2006 at 04:10 PM
#5
Thank you for the replies.
I don't have a T, Rapunzel =/ I may, possibly, be getting one within a month or two...but its not certain. |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,944
20
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Jan 02, 2006 at 12:30 AM
#6
I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. Please try to be kind to yourself. I know it is so hard to do right now, but try to do it. Do something for yourself.
__________________ "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." -Bernard Bailey |
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
21 132 hugs
given |
Jan 02, 2006 at 01:53 AM
#7
I hope that you can get a T. Having help to work though this stuff can be pretty important. In the meantime, hang in there, and talk to us, and let us know what we can do to support you and help you stay safe. You're welcome to PM me if you ever want to.
Rap __________________ “We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg
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Member
Member Since Nov 2005
Posts: 101
19 |
Jan 02, 2006 at 05:23 AM
#8
I'm sorry you're hurting so much... I know what you mean with just wanting to feel. and it doesn't work. I don't think si more severly or more times can make a difference... it's always the same feelings building up to it, during it, after it.. but nothing ever like what you want to *feel*, right??? I would think that therapy would be of help w/ that... but in the meantime do rely on everyone here and other things you know you can do if you feel like si.... you can get past this, somehow.
(((((((((BP))))))))))) __________________  "Courage consists in holding on just one moment longer." Albert Payson Terhune |
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