[wishful2468]

I know I can I actually was clean for like 4 months but I relapsed I had my heart broken than a panic attack at church. I know why I cut three reasons:

1. self hatred: my friends play a ig part in that they verbally abuse me and I didn't stand up for myself for too long and now if I even try they act like I'm being a baby they tell me things like "why are you here" "everyone hates you" "your so annoying" I've tried explaining to them some are because I'm very A.D.H.D but they act like its just an excuse and by 15 I should be able to control it.

2. escape: I feel trapped as if everyone hates me and theres nothing I can do to change and I try

3. not exactly attention: I want to know someone cares just that one person cares enough to try and help me. if your going to write me off as someone who's emo for attention i'm in all ap classes though i sometimes struggle with grades, I have lots of friends though I know my main group are loyal they are no help to my self esteem, my brother a first chair trombonist (big deal in band especially to brass i'm trumpet/baritone) he got a full scholarship to auburn for chemical engineering and graduated right before i came in so all my teachers remembered him, my sister was also in band and my mom is band booster president, and people still think me and the guy who broke my heart are like almost going out. (i told him to keep it on the down low he's a nice guy and most the band knew how I felt and assumed he felt the same which is a lot of people also he's mormon first gf over a year and he needs time which he couldn't get if girls though he was on the market he's a for real nice guy the only reason i beat them was because i already liked him before and was sure they were over plus people saw how he helped my anger problems and figured we were perfect match opposites attract type thing)

in the end i think half of the reason i can't tell anyone is due to pressure to keep up my reputation its not the top of the food chain but next year i'll be officially on the AP diploma so i can't be emo i know its verging on preppy but reputation isn't everything but its a lot and mine has already been hurt i'm still living down my fight in 6th grade and playing trumpet in marching band as a girl and baritone in concert season isn't exactly screaming "i'm hot" though i'm not fat i'm blonde skinny people even say i look very innocent because of my freckles just enough for the girl next door look. Plus if it got around school my dad is the soccer coach and my mom band booster president and is good friends with many teachers like three because they all have daughters who are friends with my sister they'd find out and i'm already adhd in therapy for a fight in 6th grade and have panic attacks when i try to tell my mom she believes i'm being mellodramtic and threatens if i keep talking about it she'll try to have me committed i'm not even joking she tells me where she'd take me too.

My friends well i'm not sure how'd they react but i'm planning on only telling my most trusted guy friend we text alot though no one at school even knows we're friends he runs in the junior pot head (though hes stopped w/ all that yes i'm sure) group and well i'm perfect maybe a bit over physical, good girl though i'm beginning to merge into his group because i like his friend he can't tell anyone if he did no one would believe him plus i trust him not to. I know i need to tell someone because if not i'll probably just relapse until i stop trying and he's most of the reason i was able to stop last time so if he knows i believe he can help me stop. So main reason anyone have any advice for telling him or for stopping i'm up for any suggestions thanks for reading.

[Sannah]

Hi Wishful, the friends who aren't nice to you don't sound very good at all.