[Aardwolf]

It takes a lot to amaze me, shock me, or provoke a reaction of any form, but today really has put the last nail in the coffin for me..

Working night shift which I finished at 6 this morning. During work, one of the girls decided to tell me about the crush she has on me. "Get in there" i'm sure a lot of my friends would think.... But no, no..
My entire brain has now concocted up this explosive mixture and I genuienly have never felt like i've gone downshill so, so fast.
All the past, all the abuse, all the pain, all the unknown, all the guilt, all of the shame, everything.. It's all come back like a tidal wave made of granite.
I feel like I'm being squeezed between two weights, crushing the life out of me, I'm finding it hard to breathe, I'm in a cold sweat, i'm shaking, I'm finding it hard to keep track of anything. I've caught myself staring through the screen 3 times already just writing this.
I've hurt myself so many times today its horrible. I've turned back into that monster I swore I would never let out again.
I don't know what to do. I feel so, so overwhelmed, so lost, so lonely.
There is so much emotional pain inside me. So, so much that no matter how much I cut, and cut, and cut, nothing is letting it out. I go back to feeling numb, so numb that i swear my vision looses colour saturation.. nothing seems real.. keep dissasociating.
I've broken a promise to someone, and if they find out, I don't know what will happen.. I can't believe I wasn't strong enough.

Somebody, somewhere.. please tell me you understand what i'm going through.

[Sannah]

This girl telling you about her crush triggered you?

[Aardwolf]

Yes, Sounds remarkably stupid I know, I don't know why, or how my head has created this blasted conenction inside me, but somehow It found a way.
Can I explain it ? I'll be damned if i can.

I know *why* I feel like I do, due to my history, however explaining *how* this has come about I haven't got the foggiest..

Its even stumped me, and that dosen't usually happen.. No-one else knows either, and Alex is just as confused as the rest of us.. All we know, is that a lot of memories and emotions have come back at a rather unwelcome time

[TerryL]

I'm not sure if this is the same thing but when I was battling my guilt, whenever I started to feel even the smallest amount of happiness I would get very depressed. I think I was subconsciously trying to punish myself. I must have felt deep down that I did not deserve to be happy.

Maybe that girl having a crush on you was flattering and so triggered you in the same way..?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I know *why* I feel like I do, due to my history, however explaining *how* this has come about I haven't got the foggiest..

All we know, is that a lot of memories and emotions have come back at a rather unwelcome time

This ^ is enough of an explanation. Do you understand what it means when a person is "triggered"?

[Aardwolf]

How so ? And yes, I do understand... But I don't understand what your saying in the above Sannah

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I know *why* I feel like I do, due to my history, however explaining *how* this has come about I haven't got the foggiest..

All we know, is that a lot of memories and emotions have come back at a rather unwelcome time

The triggering is something happened in your life today which stirred up past emotions. It happens with lightening speed. That subconscious is on the ball always where our conscious mind is busy and distracted most of the time. Those emotions have been stored because you have never expressed, shared or examined them. It is like popping open a soda. There they are all fresh and bubbly and it takes you back to that time and exactly how you felt.

You can work through this stuff in therapy. You need to talk about these past incidents and release these emotions then they can't be triggered anymore. (You also have to work it at this end of time too. When you are triggered you have to work on it in that moment and tell yourself that it is the past coming up and it isn't happening today and make this connection very clear to yourself in the now).