[Abby]

I am numb but also filled with a lot. I have nothing on my mind and a lot at the same time. I want to talk to someone properly but don't know how to start the conversation when I feel so numb and empty inside. I want to connect with someone but also I can't even think about doing that (for some reason). I could call a friend even if it is just to talk about nothing important but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I can't tell if I'm just exhausted or there is some random unconscious self punishment going on. It is not nice not knowing if you are being kind or punishing to yourself - it is as though my internal compass is broken. There are so many things I 'could' do to which likely would make myself feel a bit better but I can't bring myself to do them because they all mean reaching out and I'm too tired to be involved with other people. I know self harm is a strong possibility in the next few days if I carry on feeling this way. I can't even find the energy to write in my diary, I look at the blank page and no words seem to make sense or explain it properly. I don't know how to get out of this unable to speak and feel phase. A part of me wants to self harm because it is a proven garanteed way of changing my head space, but another part wants to move forward in my life and find a new way of expressing myself when I don't have any words. I just don't know what to do....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I want to talk to someone properly but don't know how to start the conversation when I feel so numb and empty inside.

they all mean reaching out and I'm too tired to be involved with other people.

Are these the reasons why Abby?

[Mylifeisdepressing]

Pleasepleaseplease don't SI. I am trying to quit... It leaves scars, it hurts you, it makes you feel worse about yourself and IT'S NOT WORTH IT! so please try and take care of yourself. <3 I know you said it hard to write in your diary right now, but maybe you should give it a try. It doesn't matter if what you write makes sense. Just try to release some of those terrible emotions all crammed inside of you... It really helps me even when I don't feel like I can really write, just get some of your feeling down. Try to take care of yourself

[Abby]

Sannah - This is the best way I am able to explain it at the moment. It is hard to figure out what is going on and why I'm not talking because I am so numb and empty. But I know that if I imagine talking to someone I feel an almost recoiling feeling inside. I'm not sure why.

Mylifeisdepressing - I agree with you, there are other alternatives to self harm which I want to use. I don't want to self harm anymore either. being quite a perfectionist it does really matter to me that what I write makes sense plus I get more irritated if I try to express myself and end up only being able to write one or two words that on the page look meaningless to how it really is.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I am so numb and empty. But I know that if I imagine talking to someone I feel an almost recoiling feeling inside.

You recoil because of fear, disgust?????

[Abby]

I'm not sure - yes to both? Although why I feel that way I'm not sure. May be I feel abit ? vulnerable ? for some reason at the moment although I say 'i feel' but I'm really not feeling anything! I get disgusted by other people quite easily I think, it might have something to do with their feelings becoming my feelings too quickly....but I want feelings so I don't know how this makes sense. I can't sort it all out as you can tell!

[Sannah]

Abby you are making some sense to me because I always thought that an issue that you had was weak boundaries with others so that yes, it would be difficult for you to not absorb the feelings of others. I could see where the disgust would come from this because this would get really tiring, really quick. Maybe you can't find your feelings because they get diluted/polluted with the feelings of others? This also makes sense with you feeling vulnerable because weak boundaries do this. I could understand why with this you would want to keep others away just for protection.

[Silent_tsol]

I can very much relate to a lot of what you wrote which means you are making sense....at least to me . I know the feeling of not being able to bring yourself to journal but have you tried drawing. I've been in scenarios a lot lately where I've been told to draw. Twice in T, once in group T and twice in my "creativity class". Now my first question for the first few times were "DRAW WHAT.". And the answer for each of these scenarios -from 3 different people were "it's not about drawing something. Just pick up a colour and put it on paper. And when you feel like it pick a new colour. Repeat until you feel done".

I can also relate to your perfectionist and so you may have the same reaction I had when I started "but why? What does this accomplish? I don't want to colour? How will this help? What do I do?" And on and on. But I'm starting to get the hang of it now. By no means am I a budding artist -in fact I have promptly discarded of each of my "drawings" as soon as I was done.

Thinking now this might serve another purpose. I'm putting these emotions on this paper so they aren't in my head and then I'm getting rid of the "bad emotion paper". This also means I don't see it again -nor does anyone else so it helps on the critiquing side of things. It doesn't matter if it's just one line or scribbles just sort of go with it.

Hope you feel better soon

Sorry you feel this way sweetie I don't really have much to add to the wisdom already provided by other members, but what i would say is try not to pressurize yourself - sometimes its ok to not know for definate how your feeling or what to do. Just being with the moment is hard to achieve and maybe when you feel a bit more up to it, you may want to look into some 'mindfulness' articles and see if its a technique that might work for you. We're all already programmed to be mindful, its just that sometimes we need to re-train ourselves slightly to get the most out of it. Its just a thought - you might have already tried something similiar. With the self harm however, if your going to do it try not to beat yourself up about it - thats just not fair to you. If you can perhaps control the amount you do and the severity all the better for you. Im not going to tell you not to do it, its your decision ultimately and i would prefer it if you just did it as responsibly as possible. Keep talking, be kind to yourself and message me if you want to chat. Good luck.

[Abby]

Thank you for your replies. Thet mean a lot to me.

Silent - I have tried drawing before, it is a good idea. I am very poor at drawing so I find it hard to end up with something that just doesn't seem to equate to my feelings. I use lots of blacks and reds...sometimes I want to use another colour but they all seem such 'good' colours for lighter feelings. I do judge my pictures a lot, I think I need to find a space and time to scribble then throw the drawings away without looking at them again. Scribbling is theraputic but stupidly I worry about messing up the crayons, I dont like things not being neat and controlled. I need to let go of this mentality!

Bb- I do try mindfulness and rly feel this has significantly improved my impulsive self destructive behaviour. A few months ago I wouldn't have waited to self harm. I wait a lot more now. But there are a few times when my mood cant allow me to do mindfulness, one of which I'm in now.

The numbness has gone and been taken over by rage and self destruction. I want to hurt, and dont want to try and stop, the distorted thoughts and feelings being that noone cares about me and everyone leaves me in pain to cope...so I hurt myself in some random act of anger at them - a 'you caused this!' attitude despite the fact noone will ever know as I would never accuse anyone for how I feel outloud, only in my head. I think maybe I'm a bit dissociated too because I am planning as well as being impulsive. I always wonder why I dont ask for help when I know I am planning to hurt myself, as it seems odd not too...but I think I dont want to stop.

[piink]

I can't stop something that has been the only thing to make sense to me.it repulses others it relaxes me makes sense out of the chaos of life.i.ask for once in full control put how when where how much how long deep etc I hate myself for being so week and not able to stop something so horrid.....piink

[Abby]

Originally Posted by piink

I can't stop something that has been the only thing to make sense to me.it repulses others it relaxes me makes sense out of the chaos of life.i.ask for once in full control put how when where how much how long deep etc I hate myself for being so week and not able to stop something so horrid.....piink

Self harming doesn't mean you are weak. Emotionally it makes sense but logically it doesn't. I understand.

My mood has seriously taken a plunge. I have noticed I go through about 2 major dips into depression a year. I thought I was figuring out the triggers but now I'm wondering if the mood is the cause of my sensitivity to others. I am so low I feel like saying that I can't cope, but I do cope and I will cope even though I cry all the time, I can't sleep, self harm increases 10 fold....I don't feel I can say how I feel because I have said it so many times before....I feel like the boy (or girl in my case) who cried wolf...except everytime it felt like I couldn't take anymore. I very much need a lift out of this pain...it physically hurts.