[littlemssunshine]

Hi all,

I have been making great strides in recovery, but lately I have fallen in a bottomless pit of depression. I don't want to leave my apartment. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to cry. I went to my classes yesterday, but had to miss one because I couldn't stop crying and feeling like a failure all day. I have a therapy session tomorrow and let my therapist know what I was going through. The past couple of months, thoughts of SI have increased and I almost went through with it on Tuesday. Finally, last night, after missing class and reflecting on everything that was a mess and how messy everything is right now, I started cutting again just to get it out. I am just unendingly sad/depressed/numb/unmotivated right now. I feel so useless, even though I know God has a purpose for me and loves me as I am. I just can't forgive myself for anything and want to cry. I have a lot to do and I just don't care about any of it right now. I just want to feel okay again. It was almost a full year since I cut last October, and I have only hurt myself with scratching (fingernails) since then. I thought I had made so much progress, but nothing seems to stick right now. I feel so alone in all of this.

[Sannah]

Are you getting triggered every October?

[littlemssunshine]

I hadn't thought about that, but that may be somewhat true. I had a nervous breakdown of sorts last year, and have been trying to get better. I think seeing my old habits and coping mechanisms dominate again is killing me inside. I feel like not much has changed, whereas a couple months ago I was on top of the world and totally balanced.

[Sannah]

The fact that you had a great year means that you have made a lot of progress. Recovery does have ups and downs. Don't give this little downturn too much weight?

[Sannah]

Do you understand how you were able to have such a great year?

[littlemssunshine]

Thanks, Sannah. I know you are right. Everything feels so messed up and coping is hard right now. I need to revisit my DBT book again. It just felt right to hurt myself. Grace and forgiveness are not my forte.

[littlemssunshine]

I had a lot less going on and now that I have had to cut back on things and friends are seeing me struggle, it's hard again. I guess I discourage easier than I ought to.

[Sannah]

So you are busier and it is more stressful?

[littlemssunshine]

I was busier, then had to cut back and my load now is still really stressful, even though I'm not taking that much on. I am just overwhelmed still and depressed about not being stronger. My best friend says she can't see me like this and had to distance herself for her own good. I didn't even realize it.

[littlemssunshine]

I guess I just overwhelm really easy. I'd literally have to take one class on at once to not be an anxious mess. What's wrong with me?

I need to make a list to talk about with my therapist.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I am .... depressed about not being stronger.

This ^ would add a burden. Do you think that you can try to be more understanding of yourself? You are where you are and just accepting that and trying to work from there can be really helpful.

How did you feel about what your friend had to do?

[littlemssunshine]

I am going to work on self-acceptance and self-love. I just feel guilty that I don't want to do anything in this moment but just be and think.

I was devastated that I made her feel like that; she means the world to me and made it clear she loves me and cares. It breaks my heart that she felt she had to distance herself from me because I am clearly still not valuing my health enough.

[littlemssunshine]

Thank you for talking this out with me. My therapist said she thought I was getting better and kept encouraging me not to self-harm. I need to feel like less of a freak.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I just feel guilty that I don't want to do anything in this moment but just be and think.

Where ever you are at the moment, there are good reasons why you are there.

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I was devastated that I made her feel like that

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

Thank you for talking this out with me.

You're welcome!

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

I need to feel like less of a freak.

Yes! Because you aren't! You are just struggling, and there are good reasons why you are struggling! You will get there. Have faith!

[littlemssunshine]

Thank you, for absolutely everything. I needed this so much right now. May God bless you.

[Emotionally Dead]

I see you have already received a lot of heartfelt replies, but I am so sorry you are going through all this.

Recovery isn't easy. In fact, in my personal opinion we never really recover. Cutting is something that you will have to work on, and you will be able to stop. It seems hard right now, I know, but it is like riding a bicycle. You fall off, you get back on and try to ride longer the next time. Same scenario, if you relapse you have to just tell yourself it happens and it is okay and then you keep doing what you were doing when you didn't SI for so long. I had a ton of relapses, but it seemed as if they kept being farther and farther apart, until eventually it just wasn't a part of my life anymore.

I understand how it feels being the ages we are. I am trying to go through college while also working. I actually have an interview tomorrow for a better job, and not am I nervous. I hate interviews, I always freeze on the questions. Yesterday my anxiety was so bad my chest was hurting, and I felt like I couldn't breathe all day. So I know all about the anxiety part, it is awful. I just want you to know that you aren't alone.

You are at a very delicate stage in your life, I know because I am there. We are trying to plan our lives, and at the same time deal with all the pressures of today. I thought I had my life.planned a year ago. I had everything I wanted nearly and was ready to start a family and everything. It all came tumbling down and now I feel like I am having to start all over.

What you have to do is be proud of yourself and the situations you are in now. You are working towards something, and at the same time you are recovering. It isn't an easy thing to do, or to balance the two things at once. I know it is frustrating and filled with pressure. I just want you to know that no matter how bad things get, we are here to support you through your trials. I don't think your friend is being a very good friend by not being there for you, it is this time where you need that comfort and support the most. I know you offer that to a lot of members here, and now it is your turn to get some comfort and support. Here is to things looking up for you, as I know they will .

[littlemssunshine]

Thank you so much for being so kind and understanding. I needed to hear all of that right now. Recovery is so much harder than I imagined and I feel pretty unfixable right now, but I need to keep fighting. Grades don't define me. Friends don't define me. It's going to be okay. I am going to do my very best. This delicate stage will pass.

Thank you so much. I am going to look at these posts every day. Thank you two so much. I will definitely continue to lean on my PC community at this point in time.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by littlemssunshine

Hi all,

I have been making great strides in recovery, but lately I have fallen in a bottomless pit of depression. I don't want to leave my apartment. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to cry. I went to my classes yesterday, but had to miss one because I couldn't stop crying and feeling like a failure all day. I have a therapy session tomorrow and let my therapist know what I was going through. The past couple of months, thoughts of SI have increased and I almost went through with it on Tuesday. Finally, last night, after missing class and reflecting on everything that was a mess and how messy everything is right now, I started cutting again just to get it out. I am just unendingly sad/depressed/numb/unmotivated right now. I feel so useless, even though I know God has a purpose for me and loves me as I am. I just can't forgive myself for anything and want to cry. I have a lot to do and I just don't care about any of it right now. I just want to feel okay again. It was almost a full year since I cut last October, and I have only hurt myself with scratching (fingernails) since then. I thought I had made so much progress, but nothing seems to stick right now. I feel so alone in all of this.

first of all, congratulations on your one year anniversary thats big!

second of all, its a good thing you see your t... let us know how it goes. i have no doubt that she will be able to help you through all of this, and help you feel a little bit less overwhelmed...

i am curious... how is school going? i know that you were diagnosed ADD and began meds for that. is school getting any easier? or are you feeling overwhelmed? because that could play a big part. and since you mentioned that you had to skip a class because you were crying... that made me wonder about school. because usually stress magnifies previous stress we have (if that makes sense.)

try to eat healthy, get enough sleep, pace out your school work so you dont feel buried, breathe. its going to be ok. you are right: God does have a plan for you. you are such an amazing, inspirational person. dont forget that you can do it! keep posting...