advice?!

I can't believe I am doing this..but this has been bothering me for some time now..and well, as you all know self injury is just not a topic that most can talk about in the every day norm. So, I am a recovering cutter/burner. I say recovering because I have not cut or burn in years. I have flashbacks even nightmares about it doing it though. That I have not told anyone and I do struggle with thinking about it from time to time, but I don't have the urges that are so strong that it wills me to bring a knife or a cigarette to my skin, at least I won't allow them anymore. What I struggle with EVERY DAY is the scars. I, unfortunately, when I did cut and burn, did it in areas that are seen to every one. On my left wrist you can see hundreds of scars from cuts and burns..on my left ankle and left hip. My wrist is visible to the general public and I am constantly being asked what they are from..normally I can shrug people off or change the subject or tell them it is none of thier business. The other day..my 13 year old step daughter, whose not much younger than me, saw them and assumed that I had tried to kill myself..she could not understand the concept..I couldn't explain differently to her either..when the subject approaches I fall silent..when a stranger asks..I run..when a friend asks..I change the subject..I can't afford plastic surgery....I guess I am just wondering if anyone else struggles with the repercussions of this behavior and what do you tell people when they ask??! What do you tell your children when they ask? What do you tell your boss when they ask? I work for a Law firm..Im about to become their Paralegal..I don't want to be haunted by my past forever..Im haunted enough just looking at my arm...I understand what the life is like to be a self injurer..I understand that it is a lonely sad shithole!! I am glad that I survived it and I wish the same for all of you.

Hi Liv...Most of my scars are on my knees I am fortunate there. The ones on my wrist I typically lie about. Most people know that I used to work in a vet clinic and I attribute the scars to psychotic cats. Whether anyone believes me or not, I dont know. Most people will not have the guts to question you past that first line. Have you tried any scar creams? I have personally never used them, but my mom did and got a small amount of help, at least in her eyes. I think everyone struggles with flashbacks. I think it is something that will stay in your head forever, it is just a matter of if you stay strong or fall back. Some of us (me!) mess up and fall back, but there is always starting over. Will there ever be a day that goes by without thinking about it...I dont know. Unfortunatly the scars reminde me of my past. A twisted punishment for punishing myself?? As for your step daughter, I dont think anyone can truly "understand" unless they have been there. If you cant find the words, mabye a book? Make sure she understands it was a BAD coping mechanism and encourage her to ask you or your husband about it if she has any questions. I started SI at 11. I learned my SI from my mom.

Kate..thanks for replying..Ive tried to think of lies to tell people..nothing ever sounds good..the one you said about the cats is a good one!! The thing is when asked I always freeze up..so lying is even out of the question..I used to be able to lie VERY well..not that I am proud of that or anything..but..now..on this subject..I don't want to lie nor tell the truth..not that it matters..my mind and my mouth wont let me do either..I just clam up..and well..by then..the person asking knows that something happend that they really shouldn't have asked about..and it turns out embarressing for the both of us..weird huh!? I dunno..sounds stupid..here I am complaining about this..when there are still all these other still ACTUALLY cutting and burning..I will deal..was nice to talk about it though..thanks!

When I first started counseling, I had a lot of doctor's appointments which interfered with work. When I was working, I was doped up meds or having panic attacks and couldn't function at work effectively. I was always asked by coworkers where I was going or why was I always away from my desk. Eventually they'd ask why was I always going to doctor. (I worked at a hospital, so they'd see me waiting out in clinics' lobbies or see me carrying my huge medical record.)

I know this story has nothing to do with self-injury . . . but I think my feelings of embarrassment of disclosure are similar to your feelings.

I asked my counselor how to deal with others who ask me those type of questions that I didn't want to answer. He said, "you don't have to answer those questions . . . it's none of their business." He gave me an empowering reply to say to people who ask me stuff I rather not disclose, he said to say this:
<ul type="square">[*]"I'd rather not discuss it at this time." And he said to end it there.[/list]
I have a problem with trying to please everyone . . . sometimes at my expense. I don't have to give anyone a reason for stuff that is my own business. Neither do you.

As far as disclosing with your step-daughter, you might want to disclose to maintain an open line of communication. Maybe discuss with your hubby there, too.

Thanks Jen, you know I have never had a problem telling people to shove off..maybe I will just pretend it is a guy hitting on me or something..lol..Don't worry..I will be nice!! MAYBE!! As for my step daughter..I dunno..my hubby and I don't talk about it..I told him the story five years ago when I will still hopped up on drugs..Now that I am Clean..I don't share those stories..I just don't go there..don't need to..don't want to..don't have to..until..I was just hoping maybe it would go away with her..we are close..she can ask me anything..she can tell me anything..some things just need to be left barried is all..she sees and loves me for who I am now..she doesn't know me for who I was..and doesn't need to know any part of that..nor do I want to tell her any part of that..its funny..but I would rather her wonder and not know the truth than know and have her persona of me change completely..

what about telling your boss?

Um..are you serious!? I can't have this conversation with my family..let alone my boss..you are joking right?!!! I mean really!!?? He is the one person I hide my arm from..I wear a jacket at work..granted I am actually cold..THANK GOD..so it gives me an excuse..but if not I would still wear long sleeves..or something..i have had years of practice of hiding my arm..BUT..it is always the one moment that I forget about it..that someone asks..always worked out that way when I was a bartender!! SUCKS!! But that is what I get huh?! That is what everyone always told me back when I was cutting and burning and I didn't want to listen! That one day I would regret it..ASSHOLES were right! Anyways..no way I would sit down and tell my boss..he would fire me for being insane..despite how much I have progressed and changed..no one that has not been a self injurer can possibly understand what goes through ones mind..I wouldn't expect him to..I would worry if he did!! No way, Jen..that would totally bring my past to the present..something I won't allow..never!

Oh, I didn't mean tell him about your past. I was wondering if he'd ever see your arm and ask, but it sounds like you've got that covered.

ouch, that's a tough one!

well, from my own personal experience,the only thing that I've found to help cover them a little bit, is using make-up, like foundation. it's a pain in the *** to apply everyday, though. You could always say that you've worked in a restaurant, and they are burns from cooking; grease splashing, burnt from the oven and so forth.

as for not being able to tell your family, i understand 100%. since telling my BF about it, he refuses to talk about it, and acknowledge it, therefore i have to hide it from him.

unfortunately, a lot of people assume suicide when seeing SI scars. that's something that I think will change over time as it becomes more prevalent in our sociey and people learn more about SI itself.

congrats on being in recovery;we all know how incredibly difficult it is to fight those urges

welcome liv,
a lot of your post sounded like it was coming from my mouth. I have been wearing long sleeved shirts year round for a decade now, but have relented a little as more and more scars have 'appeared'... some past my wrist and onto my hand. I have scars all over my body:- covering my left arm, wrist and hand; my right arm and hand; my stomach, my left upper thigh; and my ankle. It takes a lot of time money and effort to cover all these spots up- the cost of clothing esp. I disovered 2 wks ago that short socks do not hide the ankle scars... getting medical treatment and needing to have your stomach 'pummelled' does not hide the stomach scars... and the scars on my hands and wrists just cannot be hidden.
I think that trying to tell anyone about the scars is near-impossible... it is such a huge thing to get your head around and I know for myself I find it scary, and if I could I would run away before the explanation rather than have to try and make some sense of the truth. Ppl who have no links to SI generally have no ability to even try to understand this disorder. This is a subject that my ex and I fought over almost continuously and he used to get so angry if i SIed at all- he couldn't even begin to understand (not that I can either) any of the thought proccesses or anything to do with this- why I just 'didn't SI' etc.
(sorry, ramble ramble ramble!!)
Have you ever tried wheatgerm oil for the scars, or similar? I was given some and while I did not see an improvement way back then I now barely see the scars I used it on. I got it from the body shop (in nz, don't know if in US, know very little about shop lol).
Sorry I have rambled on so much, but I wish you all the best and just mainly wanted to let you know I have similar thoughts to yours around this topic...
(((((liv)))))

Thanks Nothinginside and Irish, was nice to hear from people who have been there and understand! I try not to let this get to me so much! But we all know how hard that can be when it is staring you in the face every day! Thank you for your kind words and for the advice..I appreciate it dearly!! The best to you both!!

Jen,

Oh sorry!! No, Boss has not asked about it..but I know he has noticed..I caught him looking one day..(hence why I started wearing my jacket more often) but he is a quiet sweet guy and I don't think he wants to embarress me..plus he is smart!! He pry already knows what it is!..But I always wait..for them to ask! His wife is the one I worry about..lol..she is nosy and more blunt..love her to death..but I am not sure she would know what she was looking at and would be more prone to ask! know what I mean??