...Two Steps Forward, 5 Steps Back...

i started being self destructive when i was 6, drinking soap/shampoo...kind of hopeing it would poison me, slamming my head or self into things. so hard i kinda unintentionally make a sound, tearing at my skin or my face with my nails, i will littarly tear gashes into my skin, starts as just compulsive itching, maybe its something like a bug bite, maybe i will just be upset, and i mean i will be scratching and before i realize it my hands are bloody and there's blood dripping down my leg...i tug at my bangs/hair too...so much so that i have nearly given myself bald-spots on countless occasions, biting gashes into my hands or arms sucking on my knees..stabbing and cutting, burning myself with a curling iron or stove....i would get very standoffish bug the bullies till they would hurt me, not even try to fight back...sounds odd...but that was not exactly my goal then i guess...i would bug a cat till it would scratch me, get this "standoffish" "venomous" "i don't care" attitude there were a lot of suicide attempts, with a near success at about 16, my friends finding me nearly dead on the floor, frankly though it started going down hill when i was 16, getting more and more depressed and suicidal, soon i could not see something without how it could kill me, enjoying those thoughts, wanting them....i researched a lot i was NOT going to die a agonizeing death, or be permanatlly scared for life possibly handicapped....i mean...i have heard some horror stories.....i still blame myself for what happend when i was 6, my freind Benjemin (he was7) was always verry protective over me...with the bullies and all that junk...its my fault he's in a coma, they hit him hard, and he went flying hitting the mettle poles of the jungle gym HARD, he passed out, he never has woke up... hes been comatose..if he hadn't had been trying to defend me, that never would have happend...that among other things (like worrying i didnt exist? the bullies could hurt me ALL they wanted and i couldnt do a thing, if i fought back...i was blamed for what happend...and no matter what they did, noone ever seemed too see, or care...i rember being curled up into a ball in the corner trying to dissaper gagging blood cause i got punched in my stumach to hard, and people just walked by like it was nothing other little kids, they reacted they would help them....that thought made me upset it made me angry, i was struggling alot, with alot of abuse from my parents, abusive teachers, bullies, people i thought were my freinds, and i guess ive had a hard time, self injury is a really bad habit i chew on carrot sticks and ice sometimes, rather then my hand or my arm, tug on my clothes rather then my hair....but sometimes i wonder how much im really improveing, because i get extreamly upset or angry and i start gnashing my teeth, biteing my hand pulling my hair, seems im going two steps forward 5 steps back,

gemini,
I guess you already realize you are punishing yourself for you friend's accident. That wasn't your fault. He could have just as well fallen and been ok. In any case, he chose to protect you, an admirable thing, and no one made him do it. He protected you because you are his friend, which means he thought you were worth it. I doubt he would want you to blame yourself for what happened to him. You didn't beat him up or push him off the bars. If you owe him anything, its to try and not let his effort to protect you go to waste.

Being told you aren't worth anything or being treated as such starts to become part of how you feel about yourself. Especially when that sort of treatment happened when you were so young. After a while, as you say, you become invisible. Having been invisible myself, I know that once you turn inside yourself in your own world, people do stop paying attention to you. It can be a coping mechanism, but it gets out of control pretty quickly and it can be difficult to find your way out again.

You have a lot in common with many of us in this section of the forum. We blame ourselves for things that can't possibly be our fault, that we had no control over and take it all out on ourselves. It sounds like you have dealt with a lot of abuse from people you should have been able to trust or that should have kept you safe as a child. When you are that young, you don't have much power in this world. You can't argue with the adults, or take a swing at them or tell them off. There you are, stuck with all this anger, humiliation and feeling like you can't do anything about it, so you take it out on the one person that won't fight back. You. When you are a kid, its too dangerous to stand up for yourself when your parents abuse you. They are your only means of survival, and on some level, you still love them.

I'm guessing you are either in or have been in therapy since you have a diagnosis of asbergers. (yeah, my spelling stinks). If you aren't currently seeing someone, please get help. Even if you don't wind up killing yourself, either purposely or on accident, you will still wind up miserable if you don't find another outlet for your anger and some perspective on what is and isn't your fault. What you are doing to yourself essentially is torture. There are plenty of people out there who are mean and abusive, but I'll bet you wouldn't torture them. Yet you are torturing yourself for things you didn't do.

You said you like to create. Have you thought about keeping a journal to express your anger and guilt? They do make locked journals so no one but you can get into them. Besides that, it also helps you look back later and see what you wrote and how you were feeling with fresh eyes.

Hang in there.

Sam2

I answered your post over in the Abuse section too. Same answer, therapy is essential in order to improve your life.

I'm so sorry you are feeling that. I know a bit about that and looking back, I really didn't slide that far back and my 2 steps forward were huge steps.

It's hard enough to deal with self-injury let alone start thinking your not getting better.

I wish you the best and 's to the heavy heart your carrying.

Crew