[pheonixashes]

I'm a former cutter. I used to cut myself daily, anywhere from 1 cut to 20. I finally stopped by sheer will power and a promise to my boyfriend at the time that I would stop. My boyfriend broke up with me awhile ago but I've kept my promise to him. Lately it's been getting harder to keep this promise. I collect knives-not because I'm a cutter, I just like them- and that just makes it easier to start again. Sometimes I pick up a knife and run the flat side of the blade over my wrists, fighting the urge to cut into myself. It's almost a daily ritual now. In all honesty I like to bleed, it makes me feel like all the darkness inside is draining away. When I'm having a really bad day the urge is stronger, not just to cut but to disfigure. Sometimes I see my reflection and I just want slash my face. I'm afraid one day I will do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep myself from cutting again for much longer.

[Sam2]

[quote=pheonixashes;2801913]I'm a former cutter. I used to cut myself daily, anywhere from 1 cut to 20. I finally stopped by sheer will power and a promise to my boyfriend at the time that I would stop. My boyfriend broke up with me awhile ago but I've kept my promise to him. Lately it's been getting harder to keep this promise. I collect knives-not because I'm a cutter, I just like them- and that just makes it easier to start again. Sometimes I pick up a knife and run the flat side of the blade over my wrists, fighting the urge to cut into myself. It's almost a daily ritual now. In all honesty I like to bleed, it makes me feel like all the darkness inside is draining away. When I'm having a really bad day the urge is stronger, not just to cut but to disfigure. Sometimes I see my reflection and I just want slash my face. I'm afraid one day I will do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep myself from cutting again for much longer.[/quot

Promises can be powerful motives. Unfortunately, when the love and respect disappeared, so did the power. I too stopped cutting because of a promise I made to a close friend. That was two years ago, and though the friendship continues just as strong and it has been two years since my last episode, its still a daily fight not to reach for that knife.

Is there someone else in your life, not necessarily a romantic relationship, that you are close to and can remake that promise to? I know that cutting is not usually the kind of thing one tells others unless they get caught, but thats an individual decision. There is no one else besides my friend that knows that I was cutting. I always had an excuse for every wound, every scar. No one suspected. Since making a promise worked for you before, if there is someone, it would be worth trying again.

If you are not in a position to make a promise again, seriously consider therapy. People don't just wake up one day and decide to start cutting. There is a reason why you cut, and until you figure out why and how to deal with it, cutting will be a problem.

Consider an alcoholic. They can go to AA and be sober for years, but that urge will always be present. When placed in a situation of stress, the urge may be so overwhelming that they begin drinking again. When we cut, our bodies release endorphins, a natural chemical that temporarily makes us feel better. Joggers and other athletes get that same relief. A lot of people that run find that after a while, they have to run further and harder to get the same endorphin high. Its that high that cutters like us are addicted to.

My concern is that if you start cutting again, you too will build a tolerance to the endorphins you get from shallow cuts, and will begin cutting deeper. That puts you in danger of bleeding to death, infection or the loss of use in a limb. See if you can find a therapist that deals with cutters, please go to them for help. I know you don't want to start again, but now you have nothing to stop you, and its not a fight that most of us are able to win on our own.

Sam2

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by pheonixashes

it makes me feel like all the darkness inside is draining away.

When I'm having a really bad day the urge is stronger, not just to cut but to disfigure.

Sometimes I see my reflection and I just want slash my face.

I would suggest working on the above. You can work on this darkness inside in therapy so that it isn't there anymore causes SI urges. You can also work on the issues of having a bad day. If you want to slash your face, do you have self hate?