[adam_k]

After being SI free for 8 years I started cutting again. I feel ashamed that I am doing it and I know it is just a temporary relief from what I am feeling. Last night all of my insticts told me it wasn't the right thing to do but I did it anyway. That was the fourth time in the last couple weeks. A lot of it has to do with feeling depressed, out of control of my life and emotions and a lot of anger focused inward.

I know it is a bad way to cope and I feel a lot of guilt and shame for doing it. I just wanted to feel calm (or at least numb) for a little bit. I feel like my life is on the verge of falling apart. I think it is probaly a self delusion and part of having depression. It feels like I am terrible at my job, I am going to fail my classes and my marriage is going to fall apart. I'm not sure if this are real feeling or just my own pessimism.

When I used to feel like this I would throw myself into my school work or focus on something positive to do. With my marriage problems it feels like if I do that I push my wife away and I am not sure what to do. The only bright side is I have a therapist now to help me sort things out. My next session is Wednesday. I told her that I cut the first time I did it, but I haven't talked about the other three times. I told my wife and she told me to talk to my T. At least she wasn't angry at me. I'm not sure what to do.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by adam_k

A lot of it has to do with feeling depressed, out of control of my life and emotions and a lot of anger focused inward.

I feel like my life is on the verge of falling apart.

It feels like I am terrible at my job, I am going to fail my classes and my marriage is going to fall apart.

Have you been talking to your T about these things? What evidence do you have that you are terrible at your job, failing your classes or that you marriage is falling apart (if you don't mind me asking)?

I'm sorry you're having problems again. It's rough and I understand how hurting yourself can make you numb for a little while. It definitely not the best way to cope, but I've been there. Try a few ways of self-harming that won't leave permanent marks or damage and see if they might be as successful. Hold ice in the palm of your hand over a sink. It'll sting really well but cause no damage at all. Another one I've done is buy some hair bands with metal bands that hold them together (they're basically rubber bands with a piece of metal holding it together). Put it on your wrist, pull it back and snap it with the metal edge hitting your wrist (back of your wrist..other side can cause nerve damage). It hurts plenty and can bruise and welt but the bruising or welting won't stay. They are self-harming but "better" than cutting....at least in my opinion.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you been talking to your T about these things? What evidence do you have that you are terrible at your job, failing your classes or that you marriage is falling apart (if you don't mind me asking)?

I don't have any evidence of those things. Part of me realizes I it is just a negative view of my current situation. I am going to marriage counsling to work on my releationship and things between me and Sarah are much better than they were a couple months ago. I'm just behind on stuff for work and school and that is why I feel like I am doing terrible. I just feel like I don't have any control in my life at the moment. I just want to feel good again. It's been a while since I felt happy and good about myself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by adam_k

I'm just behind on stuff for work and school and that is why I feel like I am doing terrible. I just feel like I don't have any control in my life at the moment. I just want to feel good again. It's been a while since I felt happy and good about myself.

I know a little bit about thinking that if everything is under control then everything will be okay. I was able to work past this.

When was the last time that you were happy and felt good about yourself (again, if you don't mind me asking)?

[adam_k]

It's been a while. It was my last year at Purdue. I was taking some classes as Purdue university that I really enjoyed and work was going really well. I also wasn't feeling depressed. I was working on my bachelor's degree and I was happy that I was almost done with it.

At the time I felt challanged in a good way. I was learning and it felt exciting to be almost done with my degree.

When I got my promotion after I graduated I went from one job that I was really good at to another job that I am still trying to learn and get good at. Sometimes it feels like I don't know enough to be good at this job. I'm also sad that school is almost over. I enjoy learning and being challenged in the way college does. At work the challanges are more stressful and I don't feel very rewarded for doing a good job. I don't even know what a good job is. Just when I mess up I know that l work was sloppy or took too long to do.

[Sannah]

So school is a good thing and helps you feel happy? Could it be that getting positive feedback is what really helped and not getting positive feedback is what is causing problems now?

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So school is a good thing and helps you feel happy? Could it be that getting positive feedback is what really helped and not getting positive feedback is what is causing problems now?

I think your right. With school I know how well I am doing by the grades I get. It is unbiased feedback on my performance. With work you don't get graded on how well you are doing. Just get pushed to do better if your not doing good enough.

[Sannah]

Don't you think that supervisors just push regardless of your performance? They are getting pressure from above so they just pass the pressure down. Sometimes the best worker gets the most pressure because they can deliver.

[Big Mama]

Adam your wife is right. Please talk to your T. You are paying here to help you. LET HER HELP YOU. It is up to you to tell the T the thing she needs to know. Cutting is info that is better coming from you then from your wife about you to the T.

[Fuzzybear]