[minefield]

Hello,

I am in a bad place at the moment, I am trying to quit weed and smoking.

Since starting to quit I am struggling with:

My mind is racing
I can't settle constantly fidgeting
started to grind my teeth
Because of grinding my head hurts, mouth hurts a lot
I can't sleep properly
When I do sleep I am having the most disturbing dreams
When I wake it is taking time for me to ground myself
In the day I am dissociating and loosing time
Picking at my skin, it's all red and sore now.
I have a slipped disk and the pain is heightened.

I am scaring myself, I constantly reach out for what meds I have, counting them, playing with them. I keep thinking about taking an OD so I can hurt myself into not hurting anymore.

I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago having taken an OD of diazepam. I have no more knock out pills left so its co-codamol and my weekly script of quatiapine. The last time I took co-codamol the doc said my liver had taken a beating and was sick constantly for 5 days. I was lucky not to have damaged it.

I don't want to kill myself but I do want to take the pills, I don't feel safe on my own at home I want to be in hospital where they can medicate me properly. The only way to get that is to take an OD.

I have not acted on my thoughts yet, i called my GP last week and she gave me a few quatinapine meds for day time use but not much it did help a little but not enough. I tried to bring my pdoc appointment forward but no joy it will be 3 months. I don't know what to do... I am resisting the urge but each day I have to deal with this the harder it is getting to resist, the pills feel so good as I play with them but I don't want to trash my liver. The battle back and forth is consuming me.

[Sannah]

Hi Minefield, welcome to PC. Do you think the weed and smoking was basically self medicating your symptoms?

Do you have a therapist?

[minefield]

Hi Sannah,

Oh yes definitely, I use to smoke for the social element but when my mental health declined I used it to self medicate. It helped me to switch off, slow my thinking and because I was chilled it helped with my back pain. I went from a little most evenings mainly weekend use to complete dependence £60 a week habit not accounting for tobacco n stuff.

I am quitting because I have a receded gum and they won't fix it unless I can quit smoking coz procedure won't work if I smoke. Plus I really can't afford the habit and have nearly spent all my savings topping up my income each month as over spending by about £100 each month. So I had no choice but to quit, I buckled last week and got through 2 bags in 4 days, I found all my symptoms improve but started quitting again on Sunday and last night it all started again so I'm scared of myself and where this will take me.

[minefield]

Oh I don't have a T at mo, on waiting list.

[Sannah]

Can you get bumped up on the wait list if you are in crisis?

[minefield]

No unfortunately, I am waiting for DBT and its a system of one in, one out and there is no room for negotiation. I tried because I had waited over a year for psychology and a few weeks before my start date they changed me to DBT with a new 12 month wait. I formally complained then but no joy, and the psychiatrist is full so put me down for cancellations but it was just to get rid of me so not holding out for it.

I am due to start something in a couple of weeks but not sure what it is as was in response to my complaint to act as a buffer until DBT. I know it won't be trauma work as they said ethically they wouldn't thus the swap so I have no idea what they have planned for me.

[Sannah]

Any narcotics or alcholics anonymous groups over there?

[minefield]

Yeah but they are not really interested in weed they are geared more towards the serious drug addiction and I don't have a problem with not drinking. I only drink when i intend to OD.

My dealer just sent me a message biggest, badest bag I've seen in a while available.

I told him no thank you but I don't know what to do.. I am not craving weed but I am struggling with my mental health and the physical reaction and really don't feel safe. It might be safer to just give in. Yet I hate it when I get to the end of the bag and think its the last one. I have had to do that 3 times now and it gets more difficult each time.

Should I give in to stop myself doing something worse??? I'm annoyed now I was not thinking of going to get any tonight.

Hey Minefield...I have no suggestions for you, but I'd recommend posting this thread on the addictions and BPD forum so you can get as many suggestions as possible. Someone may come up with an idea not presented in this forum alone.

[Sannah]

What I do know is that you need help and treatment. Stay safe

[minefield]

I know but I'm just not getting it.

I called my pdoc to be seen sooner but no joy they have put me down for cancellations but that never comes through.

I called my GP and she said to stop the Nicorette patches and see if that makes a difference and to call her back if not.

I called NHS quit help line and they told me to start smoking again, that I should only quit one at a time.

So basically I'm stuck on my own with no other option, no help and no support. I'm beginning to loose my grip. Is quitting worth all this? I really don't want to go back this has been the most resolute I have been about quitting, I have enjoyed having the extra pennies, and liked not going through the panic of running out.

I only got 2hrs sleep last night coz I'm so scared of my dreams, I'm starting to feel like I'm loosing my mind :0(. I'm really sad and blue today.

I'm worried what harm I am going to do to myself if this continues, I'm freaking out.

[Sannah]

Maybe don't worry about fixing the receding gum until you get in a better place emotionally and psychologically? I hope this new group in a few weeks is helpful. I can support you here. Anyone else you can reach out to IRL?

[minefield]

That would be the best if I could wait until I'm in DBT in about 6 months but unfortunately I'm leaving the root exposed so they won't allow me the time.

Thanks for your help, I have been naughty and got a bag this afternoon after I started playing with my meds again and was thinking about getting my pet ready for me being in hospital I decided it was going too far. So I got one bag to try and smooth things out until I'm not so high risk. I feel so angry and guilty for doing this but I just don't feel safe.

Thanks for your messages.

[ThisWayOut]

can you just check yourself in based on being a danger to yourself? I know they do that here in the US... I've done that before, and it helped me get bumped up on the list for services.

[Crashed Again]

Are You trying to quit tabacco and weed or just smoking pot. If it is just a weed thing, there are lots of recipes for making tasty treats with you weed and no smoking. That is how I use a little bit now and then, lot better for the lungs also. As for tabacco, I quit 6 years ago this month 3/16. Smoked for 37 years and it was the hardest thing I ever quit. I have a lot of expereance with quitting drugs in my younger days. For me after the first week of not smoking weed was a little hard but after that, it was a cake walk. After twenty years of no rec drugs because of random drug tests I am now using a little weed this last year, thats when I found my lungs couldn't take it, but the wife makes those tasty treats. I just have to becareful of not eating to many because it turns into nite nite time in about 1.5-2 hours. I would rather just relax and enjoy the good feeling. God Bless, wishing you nothing but good thoughts and happiness. Garry J

[minefield]

No, your meant to go to A&E, sit for hours on hard plastic chairs that will trash my slipped disk nicely. Only to see a mental health nurse who listens but sends me on my way.

I use to get a referral crisis team but I found being under their care distressing and they only made things worse. I felt that they are a failure of a service, we agreed to part ways shall we say but that's a good thing I was so happy to be free of them.

When we have discussed mental health inpatient the docs have said it is not an environment I would respond well to. I agree I do find the noises, the smells, the discomfort, sparseness and lack of comforts a struggle to be without. I do find myself discussed by the run down, dirty feeling just goes under my skin. I am still not sure if that because mental health is just so poorly delivered, so underfunded, so uncared for like it for the dregs can get the dregs. You certainly don't get the same level of care as say someone with cancer and I find myself offended by it rather than reasurred.

When I say I want to be admitted its to the general ward like when you take an OD for a few days to receive the medication I feel I need, they under medicate me because of my habit for taking ODs in a crisis. There I feel safe, given time to regain control, in a comfortable, warm bed with tv. you get fed properly made cups of teas, given biscuits. Mental health to my experience has been polls apart.

****** CRASHED AGAIN*******

Hello,

I am trying to quit both, I gave cookies a go, just a quick mix but they were not that nice but it was nice to be mashed. It's different deeper almost.

The difficulty and reaction I am having to quitting has certainly given me a scare, this reaction is not healthy. If I could get help to stop the pain with the grinding, the head aches. Pills to help control the anxiety, dreams, flash backs, night terrors, Increased back back and more.. I need to quit this habit whilst I'm off work and have the space to face it. The timing is unfortunate but I really can't face having my teeth messed up, the impact to by self image a concern. I will have to experience this no matter when I give up.

I just want help... But there is no where to reach out to and what's worse is I know my actions created the problem that the pros don't feel safe to give me the meds.

[Crashed Again]

Not to bad mouth England or anything, but from what I have seen and heard about your health care system, it sucks. That is what they want over here. My wife puts the weed in a little electric coffee bean grinder and turns it to powder to cook with or make weed butter and make cookies and other treats with it. I think I would only try to quit only one or the other. Then do the one thats left second. If you do go for both you have a rough road ahead for awhile and I wish you the best. God Bless. Garry J

[minefield]

Oh don't get me wrong, if given a choice I would stick with our NHS and welfare system any day over yours.

I love the NHS and consider it a jewel in our crown. Mental health is one area that is shocking but we all get care, we don't have to worry about cost, and you get as much or little as you need regardless of income or circumstance. You can go private if you have money still, i would have been up the creak in your country. If I were you I would jump on board.. We haven't got it all right by far but where we do its unparalleled.

The mental health is pants though, but society doesn't care, there is no glamour in mental health and scares people a little. So money if not sent that way resources are not available. I would be very concerned having borderline if I had to deal with insurance companies, god I hope we don't go there.

[Sannah]

How are you today minefield? Is there anything that you can do that relaxes you? Any place that you can go that you enjoy?

[minefield]

Hello,

thank you for checking in I got a 4 hrs patchy sleep, but by stopping myself falling into a deep sleep I have not had the traumatic start to my day and mouth tense rather than sore. I'm quite spaced out but calm. I cant keep avoiding sleep though, it's gonna catch me up eventually.

I can't tell you a single thing that I have been thinking about its all a haze. I gave up on watching my recorded tv coz not following its just back ground noise.

I will be back on the quit wagon tomorrow.

I have a volunteer meeting for an hour to arrange how we will set up a stall for a coffee morning next week. I said mb see how I'm feeling, left it open to cancel.

I have been cancelling on them over the last 3 weeks, other the popping out to buy essentials I have not been out the flat. I was thinking of cancelling but I could try and go along to that for an hour tomorrow.

I'm looking like a right state and I'm quite weak and feeble and in this mess people can't help look and stare at me when I'm out I'm not sure its a good idea.

I could take a bath, in fact I think I do that.

[Sannah]

Getting out for the meeting could be helpful. One thing that I have learned is that connecting to the world and other people is very helpful. The bath sounds like a good idea! Does cleaning or cooking help you to get grounded?

[minefield]

No cleaning aggravates my back and I have little energy so become exhausted easily it becomes something I start but rarely finish. That's why I stopped doing it in the first place.

I'm just not a natural at cooking I had beans on toast for tea tonight, I had a failed home made soup yesterday it was so thick I made a sandwich out of it.. It's also when I do cook its the same thing for days, it's tricky to portion for one.. I've not mastered it, ingredients go off before I can get to them as well. It is something I have tried and failed to fix before.

The only thing that seems to help is messing on my iPad. I like to draw I have not done that in ages, but my eyes are sore.

Grounding is a skill I have not developed a process that reliably works for me yet.

[Sannah]

Do you get any exercise? How about baking? Drawing would be really good!

[minefield]

I miss exercise.

I use to love mountain biking and hiking before I slipped a disk. I am never going to be well enough to do that again. My lack or mobility has been traumatic in itself as it has changed my world forever. There is no fix, and so far I have not found an alternative based on my current physical ability. I have been given some stretches by the pain clinic but they get boring.

I tried swimming, pools were too cold and I suffered with cramping. I tried thi chi, but they would only allow private lessons and I can't afford that I had wanted the group class instead they tested my mobility and refused to accept me.

I have choir, that requires a lot of standing, that's tonight but I'm way too tired. I'm gonna fave the drea tonight. I have to I'm so tired and eyes heavy.
Volunteering was cancelled by boss she says I sounded depressed and confused and to forget about it for today.

I see it all sounds like excuses but it is things I have attempted to bring healthy recreation back into my life but its been such a challenge. It's mad, back pain is so common but there is nothing out there tailored for people like me :0(. It making creating a new life impossible.

[picklewheeze]

Thats really ****. It sounds like you have been monumentally let down, its not ideal. Theres surely otherways to get hospital without ODing? Its not worth the risk. Go you ED and say you wanna kill yourself? They should listen surely? No?