An endless cycle?

I began cutting when I was 13. It started as a suicide attempt that I was too scared to carry out. Then, I realized that I felt some relief just by what I had done. Since then around 10 years) It's been an endless battle. However shortly after my 22nd birthday I decided that enough was enough and quit. I still thought about it every day and had several close calls, but I abstained. Then, back in April of this year (just a few weeks over a year since the last time I cut) I began experiencing horrible flashbacks from some hard experiences in my childhood. Once again I found myself completely hopeless and once again turned to cutting. Now, here I am 5 months later and I cut every day. Even if It's been a good day, I still find a reason or excuse to cut. Only two people know of this struggle and I don't think they know how bad it is. They've been my support system through finally opening up about the situations from my childhood.. I know they love me and would do anything for me to stop. I just don't know how.

I don't know how to deal with what has happened to me in the right way. I don't know how to quit cutting and not want to just die. It's my fix... the only therapy I've ever known. But it controls me. I've tried to stop recently and found myself back in that place where I honestly just wanted to die..and tried but failed. I'm glad I did...but I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I don't want my past to control me anymore. I don't want it to be what defines me as a person. I just.. don't know how to live any other way.

*sigh*

(((((((((((((((bluebythewater))))))))))))))))) I so understand that it seems like it is the only way to cope with everything you are going through. It can be so alluring as it seems to help. On the short term. Have you considered getting some help for all of your issues? Maybe a t? Sometimes things are so overwhelming that we need some help sorting through things. Please be safe. Please feel free to IM me should you want someone to talk to. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. gentle hugs

I called a few places this past week actually about getting into some counselling. This was a huge step for me, but nothing seems to be working out so far. I've never been able to talk about my issues. Until a few weeks ago, not one person knew about my deepest hurt that happened from the time I was 7 for over a year... Communication is NOT a strong point for me and I don't know how to break down that wall I've built.

Communication has been a struggle for me too. I still have a hard time, but better than it was. I found writing things to be easier than saying them out loud, so that might be something to try if you find yourself not being able to say what you need to say in therapy. I started with writing my therapist a note, then later on used email.

Rap

Everytime I tried to quit cutting I basically ended up trying to commit suicide out of the desperation to quit the cutting. The only way I made it through the first month was when I was desperate enough to commit suicide I would force myself to thow up until I was so exhausted I just laid on the bathroom floor and didnt have the energy to reach for pills.

What I did was probably not a good way of dealing with not cutting and caused issues that I had to overcome, but I probably would have never made it through that first month without dying or cutting had it not been for my choice.

Because my way of making it through that time could be dangerous and cause more issues for someone, I don't want to suggest using throwing up as a coping mechanism... however, it is an option... but one that could have a variety of consequences.

I don't know if any of that helped...
but I hope you find a way to get through this.