[Switch]

** VERY OPEN AND HONEST, AND POSSIBLE TRIGGERS **

SI is something I have been struggling a lot with lately, and is something that me and my T have been talking a lot about. This is what came out of my conversation with her today: I told my boyfriend I cut about three weeks after it started to get really bad, and although he "understands" he also rejects it with every fiber of his being. When he sees my cuts, or when it comes up in conversation he looks like he wants to throw up, or he pretends he didn't see, and looks so repulsed and disgusted by it it just makes all the feelings I have even worse.

I tried talking to him about it, and he tells me he's here for me, and that he doesn't want to see me hurting that much, or hurting myself. He's told me he wants me to stop, but he doesn't act like it. He acts like it's just not happening. I realize that this is because he just can't handle it, but I feel like it's a rejection of a large part of myself and what I go through every day. I can't tell him how much I want him to just hug me when he sees my cuts, and kiss them better and tell me he loves me. I feel like if he had to do that, he'd throw up.

So I have been trying to stop. I have been successful for just over a week, which seems like a big step, but I feel a lot worse off because of it. I feel like the sacrifices I have to make in order NOT to cut are too big for what it is. Although I feel proud of myself, I also feel like the only reason I'm proud is because I "should be". And despite not cutting, my relationship feels even more strained than before.

When I cut, it is usually because I hate myself for not being able to do something. I struggle a lot with social phobia, and so I would cut the worst on the days I couldn't get out of the house, or I couldn't manage to go see a friend. I also cut when I am mad at myself because of something I did do, often a minor screw up in my relationship that I blame myself for. Like causing my boyfriend stress when I'm having a bad day (a lot more frequent as I had to go off my meds recently for medical reasons).

I found that after I cut I had the strength to accomplish the things I couldn't before. Like being hit with a wave of self confidence to go out with friends, or sit through another hour of boardgames with friends. It was like my dirty little secret that made me invincible. I couldn't be hurt, because I had already done that. I wasn't worried about what others though because I knew they couldn't hurt me more than I could hurt myself. And I felt like I had justly punished myself for hurting my boyfriend and had the strength to pretend I wasn't depressed so I could make him happier (these feelings are complicated and linked to trauma, so that sentence does a really bad job of explaining it properly)

Now I don't have that I feel completely beaten. I lock myself in my apartment, or in my boyfriends room at his place, or hide in a corner and don't talk to anyone. I can't look my boyfriend in the eye, even when I'm telling him nothing's wrong. I miss the feeling of confidence and invincibility that cutting gave me, and I can't help but see the benefits that cutting gave me. Now my social life, even after just a week, is going up in flames because I don't have the courage to even reply to text messages from friends. It's like STOPPING cutting has set me back so much further than I was before I started.

I don't want to start again, but only because I don't want to see my boyfriend so repulsed by me, and I don't want to disappoint my T. She was really happy for me when I told her. But there is literally no other reason, and nothing else has given me that confidence and sense of control. I also feel like part of the reason I am resisting cutting is to further punish myself and prove to myself I am a horrible person. If my boyfriend is so disturbed by something that I do to cope, something that I will admit I enjoy, and rewards me for hiding those feelings by being more loving towards me, then I must be deficient in some way.

I know that was really long, but it's how I feel right now and I wanted to talk to you guys about it. T's told me that I just need to find something to do instead, and I'm going to look through some DBT distress tolerance things for homework.

[adam_k]

I can releate to how you are feeling. My SO ignored the cuts on me. Not that I was seeking attention and I even tried to hide the marks out of shame, but it is hard to hide when you are naked with someone else. I feel guilty for doing it. I am also ashamed I still want to even right now. The only thing that stops me is the thought that it won't make everything better. I will feel numb for a little bit, but then all the feeling will return. I have to stand firm, plant my feet down and tackle my problems. That is how I cope. When there is nothing I can do at the moment I try to ease myself, and I try not to he overcritical. Sometimes I fail, and I have a lot of negative self talk, but sometimes I can soothe myself and I think that is progress.

I think your SO ignores the cuts because he doesn't know how to help. The best he can do is tell you not to do it and that it is painful for him to see you in so much pain. Most likely not physical, because if your anything like me you probable have a high pain threshold now, but the amount of emmotion pain. That is suffering. I hope you find the strength to control your urges and I hope you can find resolution to the issues that are bothering you. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to p.m. me.

[Sam2]

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain and confusion surrounding your SI. SI is something that is very difficult for people who have never done it to understand. From an outsider's point of view, (which I wish I could claim I was), cutting yourself seems so foreign and weird that I think it raises some strong emotions in people. Unless someone has been with a person who has been cutting before, the may never have even known it existed.

Lets say that you did not have problems that caused you to turn on yourself. If one of your friends told you that they had been sneaking up on people with a razor and cutting them to see them bleed, how would that make you feel? True, you aren't cutting someone else, you are cutting yourself, but I think the base reaction is somewhat the same. Without the understanding of why someone would cut themselves, it is an act that seems unconcievable to those who don't.

If your boyfriend truly has feelings for you, you might ask him to either come to a therapy session with you, or go on his own to a therapist who works with people who SI, just to get an understanding that you aren't crazy, violent or scary. Coming from a professional can sometimes make the difference for friends or family who don't understand but want to help.

Your therapist is correct in that you need to find another way to cope with your feelings. Having close to a forty year battle with SI myself until two years ago, I do understand the magnitude of the feelings that bring you to that place. It seems like a good coping mechanism only because it causes a temporary euphoric feeling. Once that wears off, however, the old feelings of low self esteem, fear, anger etc. all return and cause another incident. The first step is to realize that although it seems like an easy fix, it causes more problems than it fixes. Realize also that regardless of what you think you have done, you are punishing yourself unfairly. Would you punish someone else that way for doing what you think you have done that is so bad? I doubt you would.

It takes the brain about forty days to reform habits and start new ones. That seems like an eternity when you are stuck in the cycle of SI. That doesn't mean that all the urges will go away in forty days, it just means that you will be much closer to changing your behavior after that amount of time. SI is every bit as addicting as a narcotic and every bit as hard to stop. Its not something that the majority of people can do on their own. If they could, they would not be stuck there.

See if your boyfriend would be willing to see someone for you. He could be a part of your recovery. Having someone with you when you feel the urges coming on can help. So does giving your object of choice to another person who understands the problem. You have to be honest though. No holding back a blade "just in case". It has to be a committment, or it won't work.

I know I sound like I am preaching to you, but believe me when I say I have been there again and again and again. I finally stopped when I came close to bleeding to death, and then only with the help of someone who really cared. There are still urges, but I know that if I give in to them, I will start up again. Stopping IS possible. You can do it.

Sam2