[ThisWayOut]

All day the only thing I have thought about in any real detail was finding a replacement knife for myself. I drove all over town, and you would be surprised how hard it is to find one to meet my criteria (one of which is cost). I think I am being picky because part of me doesn't want to do it, but a huge part of me does. I almost went back to the store to get the one I had finally settled on in my head, but I was able to drive past. I fear if I buy it, I will have given myself permission to start up again... I can't risk my relationship in that way. I had never stopped purely for myself, it was always for someone else (or multiple someones, and the threat of a treatment I never want to be put through)... If I had my way, and the consequences were not so great, I would still be harming myself in that way. Because of that, a really large part of me resents all this "progress" and the decision to give it up... but the addiction side of it is back and pulling hard at me. I really just want to go ahead and buy the thing that will be my downfall...
Part of me is holding out though. Part of me knows the risk isn't worth it; the consequences aren't worth it...
but it would feel SO good...
so I struggle all day, hoping I can make it through until my appointment tomorrow afternoon. I even called a crisis line like a good little girl... the woman was of no real help and just suggested I go to the ED. I smiled over the phone, thanked her for her time, and hung up... Yesterday when I had tried to contact a crisis line, the woman gave me info on another resource and cut the call off right after, without waiting for me to acknowledge it... I'm guessing that means to just stop reaching out at this point, struggle through the next 24 hours alone, and talk to my T tomorrow... or hope to be able to say what it is that I need to say... and hope that the meeting will help balance me through the weekend until Monday, when we have our regular session... then Tuesday when my wife comes home... and hope I don't give in before then and start self-harming... she would be so mad at me... (but it would feel good for the moment)...

[ThisWayOut]

So, after writing this, I took a nap. Naps almost always help me feel better (need to remember this on my list of coping skills). When I woke up, I had gotten an email response from a treatment center I had tried to contact earlier in the week. It was a very reassuring and comforting email. I will have to look further into that treatment center for when I have insurance again...
I'm not going to self-harm before seeing my therapist tomorrow... and when I see him, I'll tell him I've been struggling with this a lot, and we will see if I can agree to keep from doing it through Monday... baby steps all over again when things get rough... "just keep swimming..."