I'm not proud

I cut from the ages of 14 to 18. I moved when I was 18 and decided it would be a good time to throw away my razor blades and move onto something else. I did good and relapsed maybe 2 or 3 times in the past 4 years but I've been unable to keep my emotions under control lately.

I was involved with a really horrible guy. I always refused to believe that evil people existed... I believe everyone is good deep down but for the past 2.5 months, he played with my feelings, lied to me repeatedly (about being in the army, not having a girlfriend, dumping said girlfriend when I found out, about physical and mental illnesses he never had, about his feelings towards me... everything. I don't know who I was dating. I don't know a thing about him.), insulted me, told me I should've killed myself long before meeting him, put me down, manipulated me to get what he wanted... And all along, I thought he liked me and cared about me. I thought he was ill and that his mental illness made him act out, just like mine does. Except I never told anyone they deserve to die. And I never would.

I was demoted at work, which shot down my self-esteem even worse. They made me feel inferior and humiliated me in front of everyone. I'm doing okay in school but I have no motivation, which is affecting my grades and upsetting me. I'm losing friends, I've ostracized my whole family and I live alone. I feel lonely and broken. I cry every single night and it became too much the other day. I cut my thighs badly enough that I refuse to wear dresses anymore. The psycho ex recontacted me and said really horrible things, which made me cry and cut again. My thighs are really bad now and I'm ashamed. I feel even worse..

I feel really bad for you. Your story breaks my heart all I can say is I believe in you. If you ever need a friend just send me a PM. I'll talk anytime.

I'm sorry your going through so much pain. It sounds like this guy is an awful person and you don't deserve to be lied to and manipulated. Him telling you that you should have died a long time ago is horrendous and I hope you can see your life have value, even if he wants to make you believe it doesn't. I would stay far away from this guy and ignore his calls, delete any texts and just avoid this guy. He sounds very toxic for you.

I'm sorry you are self harming again. I am in a similar place myself, just looking for a way to cope with life. Life is difficult and it seems like it throws everything to you at once and leaves you to pick up the pieces alone. If you want to talk sometime feel free to PM me. I find talking helps me and things seem less overwhelming. I hope things pick up for you.

I really wish he would leave me alone. We've been on/off since March. Every time I walk away, he comes back within a few days. If I ignore his texts, he shows up at my job or manages to "accidentally" bump into me somewhere. He'll claim it's because he misses spending time with me but as soon as I tell him I want nothing to do with him, he starts insulting me. Yesterday, he told me he was getting a kick out of manipulating an "adult woman" (I'm 22, he's 18) and that the only reason he always comes back is because I'm entertainment on a rainy day. He kept blaming his behaviour on the fact that he has Tourette's but I'm not even sure I believe it anymore... I don't think he was diagnosed with anything. He's ill but he'll never get help because he truly believes he's just fine the way he is.

You could get a restraining order if he is harassing you. The prospect of going to jail for a couple of days each time he is bored with his life and wants to bother you should deter him From doing so. Eventually I think he will get tired of it and move on. You don't deserve to be harassed and I wouldn't put up with it.

It's definitely the next step if he keeps bothering me. When we met, he told me his ex had a restraining order against him. I still don't know whether that's true or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Then again, he told me he had gotten back with her. When I confronted him about it, he claimed he'd never said he was back with her, that I was "schizophrenic" and making things up. He forgets his own lies. He has made subtle death threats (said "It doesn't matter, I have 2 machetes and your address, you know...) before and I really regret not calling the cops when it happened...