[Persyphanny]

Well, today is tuesday and I've been having harmful thoughts since friday. I've not had these thoughts in quite some time. I'm not sure why they came back but I want them to stop. It used to be when I had these thoughts, the only way to get rid of them was to cut. Well, I don't want to be that person again. But I feel if I did it, just once, it would stop the thoughts. But I know myself and know that once will not be enough, I'd keep going. I've tried thinking of other stuff. I tried calling my therapist. I tried hitting my punching bag. I tried support chats. Nothing will make them go away. What else can I do? Journaling doesn't work. I have no real friends and the ones I do have don't want to hear how I'm going crazy. Any ideas?

[Sam2]

I'm sorry these thoughts are hitting again. They can be pretty bad. You are right about the fact that doing it once will not be enough. Its an addiction, and like any addiction, all it takes is once and the cycle starts all over again.

Can you get into an intensive therapy program for a while? One that will have you seeing your therapist every day? As bad as it sounds, inpatient is another option. Even though you haven't given in to the thoughts, at least you hadn't at the time you wrote your post, you know how close you are to losing control. If you don't have anyone who can stay with you, you need to get someplace safe. Even though its not suicide that is imminent, self harm is, and even though inpatient may sound extreme, it beats going back to living with constant urges.

Even though I haven't given in for two years now, there are still some pretty strong urges. Prior to stopping, I had been cutting for decades on and off. There was no one at that time I could talk to about it. I do understand the power of those urges and I wish i had a sure fire way of stopping them for you. Controlling the urges is a very personal thing though. What works for one won't work for another. If you have a friend who already knows about it, talk to her. She may not take it as badly as you fear. Right now you need someone with you who understands what you are going through.

Don't give in. Stay strong.

Sam2

[Persyphanny]

Thank you. I still haven't given in, it's now wed. Although the urges are still there. I did talk to my therapist, she told me to get my mind off it, exercise, hit my punching bag. Which I did but it hurt my wrist. I have some physical issues that make exercise painful. The belittling from my "dad" and sister makes it worse. They call me fat and lazy. I gained about 60 lbs from Abilify, not from changing the way I eat. They don't get it. And they call me lazy b/c I don't do much, well, it's b/c it hurts. The last time I cut was in feb 2007, I did just one and told myself I'm not that person anymore, this was when I got out of a treatment facility just 2 months before. And I haven't cut since.