[ThisWayOut]

I tried to tell my T that I have been si'ing again without actually telling him... I didn't try very hard, but I opened up the door to questions about it almost all session. I didn't want to disappoint him by admitting to the si, but I wanted to talk to someone about it... I need to be able to explain how it has been helping me this week, how it has kept me alive and here... but I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and he didn't ask... I would not have lied if he had asked...
Part of me also wanted him to commit me, or at least convince me to go on my own. I'm not 100% sure why, but I have a reasonable idea... only I also know it would royally suck because I have no insurance and would end up in the county facility (really horrible).
I feel like I'm falling back into all this crap all over again, and I don't want to give it up, but I do... the adult me knows this is not a good way to get through the day, but the hurt and spiraling part of me is desperate for anything to stop the spiral... I REALLY NEED some benefits to materialize, because I am such a mess... I need help, asap. I need to get into a trauma program asap to keep from destroying myself, but that won't happen without benefits... At least I was able to tell him how tired I was with "treading water" while I wait for benefits, and how I felt like I was wasting people's time and effort (because I don't necessarily want to stop the si... but I did not tell him that part). now it's the weekend. I want to ask him to help me tackle some of the trauma stuff head-on next week. I feel like crisis management is pointless and useless at this point, because I won;t admit to really needing to be someplace safe, and he is respecting that I don;t want to wind up in county again. PLEASE ssi come through, or state... or ANYTHING so can get into a treatment facility... as much as I love the si, I don't want to do it forever...

[kaliope]

it sounds like you are really hurting right now and desperately needing someone to reach out and help you. it is ok to ask for help. your life is worth it. even if it means county. you are worth it. make yourself worth it. get yourself some place safe. I know si is comforting, but there are better ways to care for yourself. be honest with your t. he is there to help you. don't hold back. you want better for yourself. I hear you saying that. get the help where you can. some help is better than no help at all. you take the best and leave the rest until you are safe again. when your benefits come thru, you can get yourself in a better place. right now, just get yourself in a safe place. please, take care of yourself.

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks. I guess I should say I'm not in imminent danger, but the slow spiral is definitely happening. I have a safety plan with my t, and I know I still use it if needed. I just need to figure out how to keep going until the benefits come through. I think the state benefits are closer than the ssi, but I am not sure. Frustration comes mostly from my own unwillingness to change right now because this is easier andmore reliable than other stuff... and I feel like I'm not being honest with anyone in real life for fear of the consequences. The county facility would not be safer than home right now, as the last time I was there, I was only video monitored for about 30 hours, with no contact with staff... and it was just their "screening" unit. I think you get more human contact in prison, and they clean there too... anyway. Apologies for that initial post. It was more venting. I need to suck it up and be honest with my t...