[AnnaBegins]

As much as most people out there love the weekends, I dread them. I struggle with urges during the week, but on the weekend, when I slow down from the exhausting pace I set for myself at work, the urges are a million times worse. At least during the week I can keep myself so busy that the urges become muted background noise. But as soon as I have some time to just sit and "relax", they become deafening and overwhelming and I can't seem to distract myself from them no matter what tasks I set for myself.

I cut deeper than I ever have today...a punishment for having an OK week where I was successful at keeping the urges and bad thoughts at bay. And I still don't feel like it's enough...I'm fighting the urge to do more...cut my other leg up just as badly. See if that pain will provide some amount of temporary relief. I feel like the only way to stop this is to take something to put me to sleep...because at least when I'm asleep I'm safe.

Does anyone else have a hard time with weekends and downtime like this?

[kaliope]

Anna
I am sorry that you struggle so much with the weekends and that you have hurt yourself already. I hope that you can resist the urge to hurt yourself further and keep yourself safe the rest of the weekend.

My weekends are my downtime. I just use them to be numb after my anxiety packed work and school week. I do absolutely nothing on the weekends and do not feel guilty for being so lazy. I just watch tv and play games on psych central, nothing too challenging.

take care of yourself.

[Sam2]

I take it you are a counting crows fan. August and Everything After is a great album, I just can't listen to it.

Weekends can be problematic because, as you pointed out, there is less to occupy your mind. Do you like walking? Sometimes a long walk alone in the woods or a large park can be soothing.

The problem with urges is that once they enter your mind, they get louder and louder. Then you start to rationalize harming yourself. We aren't the only species that do that either. Birds will self mutilate. Dogs will lick at one place until they cause an open sore. Like us, they tend to self destruct when the stress gets to be too much. If you know of a trigger that you can avoid, obviously avoid it, but you know that isn't always as easy as it sounds.

If you have a friend who knows that you self harm, getting together with them on the weekend may help take up some time that you might otherwise spend obsessing on the urge to cut. You mentioned punishing yourself. Is there a reason why you don't think that you deserve to have a good day or week? Believe me, I know its hard, I struggled with it for four decades. You have also noted that the relief is only temporary. SH is just a coping mechanism that has gone bad. Like drinking too much or taking drugs. No one deserves the punishment that you inflict on yourself. Take a moment to think, "would I think the punishment I dole out for myself would be fair if it were someone else?". Its difficult to find other outlets and coping mechanisms, but it can be done. If you don't have the help of a therapist already, find one so that they can help you move away from harming yourself.

Sam2