[bazzinga1990]

cant stop and i dont want to , im feeling angry of not being able to be in the wedding and in just mad and hate myself right now and im anxious and got to many emotions i dont know what to do with them anymore. i am thinking about seeing a different T just cause im not getting anywhere with mine sadly.

[smmath]

Can you write down what you are feeling?

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by smmath

Can you write down what you are feeling?

i can try

[Frankbtl]

Hi bazzinga, why be angry at yourself/hate yourself??? You're trying to deal with depression here, now that's more than hard enough on you, without you blaming yourself too!!
You/we know it's not at all about deliberate choices you're making, it's SO much bigger than that!! And it doesn't make you weak either, even the very strongest of people can fold if they're hit by depression. Now the YOU under all this IS still all you want to be it's just that THIS is holding you back (as it would anyone!).
And you ARE reaching out for help with it. How strong does that make you??!!! Not everyone going through what you're going through would be able to do that!!! So good on you!!!
SO there's nothing to "beat yourself up" about, you need help with this, who wouldn't??!!
Of course there may be some things you might be able to try yourself, but I can completely "get" how you can just get carried away on the wave of emotions and find them really hard or impossible to do e.g. grounding yourself, focusing/zeroing in on one thing/feeling and working on/through it. So let's start with the main goal of you having some extra help.
As for your T, well considering how you're feeling her help really doesn't seem to be carrying that far into the gaps between seeing her. So for now, what do you think about using a hotline/crisis line because this seems so much to be trying to cope with on your own. And why should you have to cope with feelings like this on your own??!!
And when you see your T maybe spell it out real clear to her about how much you're struggling and how little this feels like it's helping you right now. And let her give you some assurance of where things are going/how she's aiming to help you (and I mean assurance that you're going to feel OK with). Maybe a time for you both to review the help you're getting from her.
But remember YOU are not at fault, it's everything that's going on for you that's the real problem, and a real problem that you need some more help with.
Alison

[bazzinga1990]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi bazzinga, why be angry at yourself/hate yourself??? You're trying to deal with depression here, now that's more than hard enough on you, without you blaming yourself too!!
You/we know it's not at all about deliberate choices you're making, it's SO much bigger than that!! And it doesn't make you weak either, even the very strongest of people can fold if they're hit by depression. Now the YOU under all this IS still all you want to be it's just that THIS is holding you back (as it would anyone!).
And you ARE reaching out for help with it. How strong does that make you??!!! Not everyone going through what you're going through would be able to do that!!! So good on you!!!
SO there's nothing to "beat yourself up" about, you need help with this, who wouldn't??!!
Of course there may be some things you might be able to try yourself, but I can completely "get" how you can just get carried away on the wave of emotions and find them really hard or impossible to do e.g. grounding yourself, focusing/zeroing in on one thing/feeling and working on/through it. So let's start with the main goal of you having some extra help.
As for your T, well considering how you're feeling her help really doesn't seem to be carrying that far into the gaps between seeing her. So for now, what do you think about using a hotline/crisis line because this seems so much to be trying to cope with on your own. And why should you have to cope with feelings like this on your own??!!
And when you see your T maybe spell it out real clear to her about how much you're struggling and how little this feels like it's helping you right now. And let her give you some assurance of where things are going/how she's aiming to help you (and I mean assurance that you're going to feel OK with). Maybe a time for you both to review the help you're getting from her.
But remember YOU are not at fault, it's everything that's going on for you that's the real problem, and a real problem that you need some more help with.
Alison

wow! well said the alison! i think you just may know me better then i know myself or at least what's going on with me. you are such an amazing person on here in that you're so well spoken and read all of my post. thanks for making me feel important