[Scout7]

**possible trigger**

I don't know who I am. I don't know if I ever really did...not that it really matters I suppose. My dad as of last night clearly doesn't give a care. I've known this all along...but I keep hoping he'll listen. But the step-monster shut me down and brought me to reality. They say they support me but they don't. I am nothing.

I ended up cutting today. Not because of yesterday. I don't really know why. I can't stop... when im "okay" I regret the cutting/scars...but I don't care now. Its getting worse..I can't control how much I SH... today was probably my worst...

2 weeks ago I saw my therapist. She asked about the cutting, I told her the truth and the same with suicidal thoughts. She asked if I'd od again, which I havent done in almost 2 years. Granted I keep considering doing it again...but it'll cause more problems I don't need.
I ended up cancelling last weeks app because of work. And tried to make an app this week, but never heard back from her. Pretty sure im not going to either...

I don't have anyone I can talk to. The only human interaction I get is at work and I don't want to be there. Its a negative place. Or my dads but I don't stay longer than 5mins because they only keep hurting me.

Customers keep saying how happy I look...because I always smile. If only someone knew. If someone could hear me.

How do I keep going? When there's no point? When hope is fading? When I have no one? When I feel like an undesirable burden? When I can't breathe and can't sleep? When there's no where left to go?

I feel so alone.
Im lost in a world, I don't know.
No one hears my crys,
No one sees the tears that I cry.
I am broken.
A nobody.
Just a face, disappearing.
Covered in scars, old and new.
I am slowly dying.

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[smmath]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I believe there is always a point to living. There is always a choice to be made and something to do. I think that if one receives even a small amount of advice or positivity, then they will realize that there is always some amount of hope. Do you think that talking to someone on here will help at all? I know that an email can't replace the verbal words of a friend, but I have found that they can supplement some of that support.

[Scout7]

Thank you smmath. I think it's a possibility. Right now its somewhere to go.

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

just so you know.............. you are NOT alone.

We are here for you. I am here for you. Anytime you need

[Scout7]

Thank you useless me, I really appreciate that

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[Rzay4]

I'm here for you whenever you need me. Life is worth living.

[Scout7]

Thank you Rzay4

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[Idiot17]

((((scout7)))).
How are you fairing today? Hope you're hanging in there, and the tide will turn real soon for you.

[Scout7]

Thank you idiot17, im trying to keep my head up..
Today has been rough... I wear long sleeves to work because of my cuts....my left arm looks horrible after last week when I cut. But today a customer commented on the couple cuts I have on my hand amd then said "you purposely cut, don't you?"

Im having a hard time leaving work at work. Im stressed and I constantly worry about making mistakes because im afraid ill get in trouble

I feel so much right now and I don't know how to deal with it...im not used to feeling anything. And I want to scream and cry and idk what all....but I can't. ..I feel stuck.... :'-(

& I'd self-harm but early this morning I threw out all my razor blades....because I know I can't control it or I don't want to, or something? And it scares me

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[Idiot17]

I've had strangers comment about my cuts, i either laugh at the idea to them or i just let them say whatever they want. After all they are strangers so who cares. Doesn't affect me.

I can relate to the "leaving work at work". I work 24 hrs when all i'm supposed to be doing is eight hours.

i feel the same way with my emotions. i have.numbed myself for such a long time that now i don't know how to respond to my emotions.

I didn't offer much (any) advice. Guess im in a similar position.
((((scout7)))).

[Scout7]

Thank you idiot17. It helps being able to see im not alone with a lot of this. At times I feel like im going crazy. ..today thankfully went better with some stuff..but stress wise im ready to smash my head against a wall.
I had another customer comment about my cuts but this time managed to ignore it and it didn't bother me as much.

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[Idiot17]

How you doing today?
(((((scout7)))))

[Scout7]

Hi idiot17, not that great so far....was late to work. Work is chaotic and im having a hard time keeping up.
I feel so drained today and don't have the energy for anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and not get up.
Then when I talked to my therapist she said that she was scared for me. But she knows that I trust her and she doesn't want to ruin that trust so she asked me to see a psychiatrist..so tomorrow after work im gonna call and set up an app.
I have no idea what to do anymore. ..
Hope your doing ok

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

[Idiot17]

Smart decision. Good luck setting up an appointment.

[Scout7]

Thank you. I figure its worth trying at least one more time. ..I just don't like taking medicine..

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"