Relapsed again

Before last Wednesday, I hadn't SI'd for nearly 3 weeks. I was feeling good - I still had the urges, but they were easier to control and I felt happier in myself

But then, things changed. Drastically.

My last session with my therapist was Monday, and it has really hit me hard over the past few days. I was very depressed the week before my appointment, because I was so stressed and anxious about Monday, and how I was going to cope after I leave her.

On Thursday, social services rang my mum and left a message. She called them back, but they didn't call her again until Tuesday. I was already stressed out and devastated and horribly upset and withdrawn because of finishing therapy, but this made it even worse.

Apparently, they'd received a referral from my college about my SI, which I've never admitted to them, and so they wanted a social worker to come round and "assess" the situation.

My family have had a LOT of dealings and visits from social workers, and we were only just starting to get over what had happened last year, and now it's all being dragged up again, my mum has packed her bags and gone, I'm left with my sister, and I will probably be kicked out when she gets back.

This is all such a mess, and I tried denying it to mum about my SI, but she wouldn't listen. I then felt even more hopeless because I couldn't talk to my therapist about it anymore, which made the loss seem harder. It feels like I've lost someone to death.

Anyway, I self harmed last Wednesday, because college was stressing me out, and I got home early so I had spare time on my hands. Then I self harmed Monday morning before my last appointment with my therapist. I didn't mean to, but the voices in my head were, at that point, so strong and powerful and loud, and they wouldn't back down. The cuts are quite deep, which concerns me, because I've never cut deep before...

It really hurts to know that my therapist isn't there any more, so I can't talk with her about any of this...
Sorry for the rant, I'm just not sure what to do now...I've been referred to CAMHS and am waiting on a phone call or email from them...

You have a lot going on right now, so I can see why you are going back to self harm. In all honesty though, SI will not fix anything. It won't really help you. Did writing this stuff help you at all? Why would you get kicked out when your sister gets back? Do you have a friend that you could talk to?

I know what SI won't fix anything, and it might even make things worse, but it's what I've always resorted to, it's like my life support. I really would like to stop it, but for the time I've been SIing, it would take a lot of time and would make me unstable.

It helped a little bit, and I've always known that writing things down and writing poems helps relieve some of those strong emotions; I found that out with former T
Sorry, I meant I'd get kicked out when my mum gets back.
I used to, but I haven't spoken to her in a while, and she's got a lot of problems of her own; also, my mum's taken my phone off me and I don't have access to a computer... It shocks me that my mum treats me like this to be honest, because I'm 17.