trigger warning........


Last week I ran out of simply utility blades so I went to the local hardware store to buy new ones. I also purchased a ceramic knife (I had never heard of one before). It was pretty "effective".

I am honest with my therapist (who I saw yesterday). She was not too happy. I was (in her words) not keeping my word on working toward reducing harm.

I argued - I have been reducing SH. She is looking for zero or pretty much zero and that is unrealistic. But in the end, I agreed that I needed to turn the knife in, but I could keep the razors (which do not work as well as the knife).

So now I feel totally triggered to use the knife as much as I can today. Even though I probably would not have done any SH without the request......

I guess I am struggling today. I just need to make it through today....

[gayleggg]

Sure hope you can hold on today. That would quite an accomplishment. Sorry you are having such a tough struggle.

[Frankbtl]

Hi UM, got to agree!! The knife's got to go!!
But I do get how much it must have taken you just to get where you are in reducing the SH by however much!! And sometimes just knowing that something's there if you need it can reduce the anxiety when the feelings are beginning to creep up, so for you to think about it not being there.........and not being able to...................it must be hard.
But with the knife, I'm sure you know how much things can escalate with the temptation right there, the temptation of taking a step up. And that temptation can be so powerful, can't it?
And you did manage reduce the SH without it didn't you? Which shows that you have so much strength!! Don't let any of that go to waste, you matter so much!!
So perhaps try to think of it as you are making that choice in your best interests. You've fought much tougher battles than releasing this, I know!! You can do it!!
And you know today, tomorrow, whenever....we're here for you in all of this.
Alison

[Victoria'smom]

UM, the reason your t doesn't feel your living up to reducing SH is that you are " upgrading" your tools to do more damage with less often cuts. Its kind of like getting around the rules. I would put your tool in a box and cover it in duck tape.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

......... I would put your tool in a box and cover it in duck tape.

That is exactly what I did yesterday afternoon.

I hope you feel proud of yourself forthat, a great step I know how hard it is!

[SeekerOfLife]

When you feel like you have to S.I. have you tried telling yourself something like.....yeah, well, I can do it in a little while. It does not have to be right now. Possible that the desire to s.i. will pass. Hope that helps.

[TheWell]

I have given all my tools to my therapist. Occasionally if things are really bad I've gone and bought something new. But when that happens I've always come clean and given him the new knife. The other day I told him that we needed to clean out his drawer because I was embarassed with all my tools living there. I let him throw almost all of them away. (I actually don't think he threw them away. In his words, "They were removed from the office.") he held on to the one I asked him to keep in his drawer.

[Victoria'smom]

I've turned tools over to my husband to throw out. I've told my t that I have tools. I've shown her what happens when I don't have tools.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( UM ))))))))

[ickydog2006]

When I gave my tools away I asked that I not see them be thrown away or where they were thrown (I knew if I knew what trash they were in I would dig through it). I also wasn't strong enough to get rid of them within the first few months that I quit cutting, although I did keep them in a more secure/harder to get to container. Taping the box shut was great thinking.

[Malixer112]

Originally Posted by TheWell

I have given all my tools to my therapist. Occasionally if things are really bad I've gone and bought something new. But when that happens I've always come clean and given him the new knife. The other day I told him that we needed to clean out his drawer because I was embarassed with all my tools living there. I let him throw almost all of them away. (I actually don't think he threw them away. In his words, "They were removed from the office.") he held on to the one I asked him to keep in his drawer.

I have, too. I've finally made the first step and turned in nearly 200 3-bladed razors, 40 5-blade, and 25 single-blade; both of my dad's pocketknives; my grandpapa's Swiss Army knife; both of my ceramic knives; and about 30-35 lighters (all of which were only used once). Let's just say that my therapist was quite surprised when she saw everything. I have yet to turn in my pink camoflauge knife, but honestly, I need it when me and my boyfriend go fishing. (That's the only reason that I haven't and won't turn it in; besides, the blade isn't sharp enough to cut my skin (I've tried it; doesn't work)). Now I kind of wish that I wouldn't have turned in my grandpapa's Swiss Army, because I'm getting questions from my dad about where it is.
On the occasion that things get really bad, I have my boyfriend and my girlfriend. If one of them isn't available, I'll go to the other one, but if that one's busy, that's when I make my secret move and go to the store and purchase whatever I feel will help. Most of the time, though, this item is my favorite bag of chips or my favorite candy bar. It helps a lot for me to self-harm safely by enjoying my favorite things and let them semi-torture me.
Either way, I see my therapist tomorrow, and my GP on Thursday, so I can confess that I still have a weapon in my possession, but it is used for fishing, not self-harm.