Yesterday was a first for me.

I am a cutter and typically I do it at work (hiding in the mens room).

Well yesterday I was (apparently) carving the word USELESS into my thigh. I was literally on the 5th letter before I even realized I was cutting. It is like I have no real memory of getting our my blades, walking to the bathroom or any of the 1st four letters.

I guess I kinda remember it but it was surreal....... As if it was not really real - and I did not realize it was real until I was doing the 5th letter.

Wierd?

[smmath]

That does sound weird.

So you were in the bathroom with a blade and carving letters in your skin? Was there a trigger that happened before that?

Maybe you were going on autopilot. But nonetheless, I'm sorry it happened.

i really do not recall anything (for sure). And no - I do not use drugs (meds yes - drugs no).

[smmath]

Can you talk to your therapist about it?

CAN I talk to my therapist?? Yes.

WILL I?? No. I think she would have me locked up in the looney bin (I have had too many issues lately and she is getting overly concerned).

[smmath]

Okay, I get that.

How are you doing today though? Do you feel any better?

Okay.... let me explain......

Monday I only work 1/2 days (yaaa), because I have individual therapy followed by a two-hour group therapy. I love my group therapy time. But I do seem to leave the place mentally DRAINED.

Tuesdays I am always physically tired and traditional I end up doing self harm. And my therapist really hounded me on this fact. So this week I worked real hard not to allow myself to SH on tuesday.

Wednesday (today) thus would be a challenge. Would I make it another day or would I simply make up for missing tuesday??

Well today at our weekly staff meeting, my new boss told everyone that each of us need to create two or three presentations to be made before the entire group (stuff about what you do at work).

I have anxiety issues and I freaked out........ I made it through the meeting without making an ***** out of myself. But I pretty much raced to my desk to get my SH supplies and then went to the mens room to do my stuff.....

LONG answer for I am doing ok, but life really sucks sometimes.

[Frankbtl]

Hi UM, to some people it might seem like "WHAT!!" but it does kind of make sense to me (maybe I'm weird though!! ). I mean if the SI is kind of natural as an escape/response to......, nothing else fills that gap at times, it's a need, and if your body/mind is needing that, maybe an automatic/natural response when the emotions/feelings are so strong that your minds pretty much "zoning out" on them and onto autopilot.......or maybe just complete surrender to what's going on for you??
But that doesn't let you off the hook, I haven't finished yet!!
Anyway you can make your blades a little less "accessible"? Or not straight to hand, so at least you're going to have to be focusing more if you're going to be feeling the need. Even give you that minute/half a minute to really consider "Do I need to, right now?". You might need to, but if it can postpone that cut, or even reduce trips by one/two a day then that would be really big!!
And long shot, but maybe just don't take them, you've got a store nearish by, right? So you have that "security" that if you need to.......then..........at lunch time.......
But don't forget, yesterday may have been a first, but you have had other first's too!! Or first's that haven't happened in a while, which are so significant!!
Five days not cutting not so long ago.........massive!! So maybe bring those back to the front of your mind, focus on how, what, when, the feelings behind them or at the time.
You do have it in you to push this just a little further away, maybe a lot more than you realize!! Don't give up on yourself, we aren't, we're with you all the way!!
There's probably going to be "up"'s and "down"'s but this doesn't have to mean that this can't slowly/at some point lead to another "up". And all we can do to try to help you there........don't hesitate to tell us how it's going for you though, whatever!!!
Alison

Thanks for the supportive words.