[Daeva]

I want to write this in the hopes of getting it off my chest, and somehow to relieve the urges I have. I need to tell someone suffering, someone perhaps who has only just started, or is thinking of starting.

My advice: DO NOT START.
You think this is hypocritical coming from an adult woman who is fighting with cutting every day. But that's just why I can tell you don't. Had I known what I know now, had I experienced even a drop of what I deal with every minute of my life now I wouldn't have started. I regret it even though I felt the cutting has helped. Let me back track and tell you my story and explain myself.

I've been battling depression on and off since I was fourteen (I am now 23). I tried cutting once when I was sixteen but it was a pitiful attempt, i didn't really want to I just wanted to get someone's attention. I was too afraid to actually do it, so I left tiny white scratches you get from itching, etc. I never did it again. And never thought I'd do it again because it didn't do anything for me. Little did I know that when I hit 22 my depression would spiral way out of control and get so severe I'd make multiple suicide attempts in a year, my feelings so deep and extreme and painful.

Nothing worked to make the overwhelming feelings go away. I had all this anger inside and no way to express it, eventually the anger grew and grew and then it turned into self-hatred and I was pissed at myself, I was no good, worthless....I needed to be punished, but I also needed relief from all those horrible, swirling immense and intense emotions of self-hatred and anger. I hit myself but it didn't really work, no I needed something more to punish me, something more painful. I grabbed one of the serrated knives in the kitchen, and tried to cut with that but it's very difficult to do, at least with the blade I had on the knife, I had to saw my arm literally. I made 8 inch long but very shallow cuts. But it helped.

And that was okay for a week, but it got frustrating using that knife because it took FOREVER to get anywhere's, and I wanted results that minute, I wanted the release asap. So I tore apart the house and found my favorite tool of choice a box cutter. I had heard all the warnings: Don't cut, you'll have scars! And I said: So who cares? do you really think I give a crap about scars? I'm going to kill myself one day anyway so what's it matter? Then I heard: "Don't start it'll be hard to stop, you'll get addicted." and I said, "Yeah right, I can deal with it, I won't get addicted, I can control it." And I heard: "If you start it'll get worse you'll have to cut more and more and deeper and deeper to get the same effects." And I rolled my eyes. I even heard the line you'll be obsessed with it, even if you do quit you'll always want to do it. And I thought they were over dramatizing it. Not to mention I didn't CARE.

So I understand that you don't care, you just want the release, you think all these things won't matter to you. You can't imagine a time where it'll matter. Oh but now I am there. Months my cutting did get worse, I had to go deeper and cover more and more of my body with the cuts to get the same feeling I got when I began. It was out of control, I was feeding the monster. But still I didn't care. I kept cutting. 6 months passed and I cut one time and it no longer worked. I freaked out and had a break down because it didn't work anymore. I was hospitalized. I came home and was under observation in the group home I live in. I didn't want to do it anymore cause it didn't work, so I was clean for 50 days, I'd think of it every now and then and I'd be sad it didn't work anymore because it was an easy quick way to get relief.

Then the beginning of April I got super-depressed and I just grabbed a blade I snuck in and cut myself up again. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW? almost two months sober, and cutting works again!!!!!! One part of me was so excited I wept, the other part of me wept because it worked again. I knew the minute I felt that release that I was defeated again. I knew what this meant. Relapse. I had a trick now, cut until it no longer had effect, then abstinence for a while then cut again. I didn't see how pathetic and insane this was, like a true addict--something I said I'd never be.

Now I'm being forced to quit, part of me wants to, part of me doesn't. Majority does though, but god it's not easy like I thought it'd be. Every second of everyday I think of a blade, of cutting, I want it SO badly, like an ache. an empty ache that never goes away but screams inside your head. You think of it all the time, obsess, you try so hard to ignore the need, the urge. Even though it consumes you. The only time you get even a tiny bit of relief if even for a few seconds, is telling yourself 'okay I can do it when I get home' then when you get home you put it off for a few hours. IF you can. You listen to songs dealing with self harm cause it helps stop you. But you still want to. You don't feel complete without it, it feels wrong not to do it. You hate that you can't. You resent everyone, even yourself.

You will never not want to do it. This battle is so exhausting. SO tired, never-ending. I wish I had never started, even it meant I had a total collapse and did something drastic. Please think before you start. I didn't and now I'm stuck like this.

I hope this helps someone realize that cutting isn't the answer.

Couldn't have said it better myself, relate to so much of what you just wrote. Good luck with quitting

[Daeva]

Thanks I need all the luck and wishes I can get. <3

[Fuzzybear]

Good luck with banishing this and all monsters. I send you

[celtic.starlite]

I, too, can relate to much of what you wrote. Keep using whatever support you can get and keep doing your best. You can do this! Good luck!

[person422]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you came to this website rather than relapsing into cutting. You're right, it is a bad habit. Are you taking anti depressants?

Sent from my N800 using Tapatalk

[Idiot17]

Good luck in fighting this demon.
(((((Hugs)))))