[ToeJam]

Well, si has been a recent development within the past month... had been thinking about it for a long time... but it was just thoughts... there was a certain amount of fear in the actual doing and so I just hadn't. Always carried a small knife around with me, a comfort but never used it.

Then about a month back I had an overall bad week (depression and anxiety) and a triggering conversation with my Doctor... and it opened up the flood gate.

Not blaming my Doctor... this completely falls on me, I know that... my decisions, my responsibilities... but yeah something snapped and I just no longer cared.

Now it's become a default... if something goes wrong (silly example, but my computer almost kicked the bucket today due to a stupid move of mine... I think it's almost fixed) then to all tense of purpose I stay calm on the surface, but I want to cut and if the opportunity presents itself, I'll excuse myself and go do so.

Part of me right now is quite happy with this state of affairs... but I know we're all multi layered and logically I also know that I'm causing myself problems.

It's quite an overpowering impulse when it happens... but as mentioned about, if I have no opportunity then I can't do it... and several hours down the line when that opportunity is there, the will to usually isn't.

By the same context though, no opportunity = more stress and anxiety.

Pain in the arse.

Guess I created this thread for the purpose of knowing if anyone else can relate and if they can suggest short term solutions I can think about.

No doubt my T will help over time (she is aware), but yeah... meh.

Thanks for reading.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, I can see how you feel it's working for you, it can be really powerful in..........but you're right it is causing/will cause you problems. And a road you really don't want to keep going down.
Finding other coping mechanisms may be really hard and to begin with, might not match up to the cutting. But the more you try the stronger they can become for you. The urges might still be there but at least you'll have something to quieten them a bit.
And if you can limit the opportunity for yourself...........?
But as well, maybe it will help having a real focus on this and the difficulties you've had before (including in the past) and leading up to it. I know it's really hard for you, and it might take time, but well done on posting on here!!
Alison

[Idiot17]

It will cause you many problems down the road, it's something you should deal with right away rather then waiting for it to get 'worse'. however i don't have advice on how to control the si urges-sorry.
Good luck.

[SoupDragon]

I used to do this a lot. T was aware but we didn't discuss it much. T would say it can get worse if we put it too closely under the spot light.

Overtime it has "naturally" decreased, I guess because some of the stuff that fuels it has been looked at.

I have no answers on how to stop it, I know about impulsion, even compulsion to do it without any rational logic. But I had my rules about it. Never so severe that I would need to seek medical attention, always in the same place so that I could easily hide it from work colleagues and family, this was driven by fear of my exhusband thinking I was an unfit mother, so l couldn't afford to be found out.

It was addictive for me and progressive, so please take care. Soup

[Detia]

I'm sorry I might not have better advice.

But you know how it was just a thought at first and you didn't need to do it even though you thought about it? You can practice giving that more space. Giving the thought-to-action more and more space so that the impulse doesn't overwhelm you. You can effectively unwind the process just like it got wound up from mild thoughts, to more persistant thoughts, to carrying around the knife, to hurting yourself.

What's the first step you need to take to step away from this behavior?