[Angelornot]

Okay so I just got back from visiting family and it didn't go how I would have liked and now that I'm back I really have to get a job and work out things for college and everything so I'm really anxious but more so than usual because my brother got in my purse and took some money and I got really mad and when my mom asked what was wrong I yelled "ask your ****ing son" and I do not ever cuss in front of my mom and then I just couldn't calm down so I was like trying to cut myself with a nail file and that wasn't enough so I ended up taking twice the dose of my old anxiety pills and triple the dose on some other old psych med and I know that wasn't really enough to kill me but part of me hoped I would and I accidentally got all insecure with my cousin and now I'm pretty sure she will never talk to me again and I hate myself so much and I keep using that nail file cause that's what I have around but I don't know what to do and I really really hate myself and I can't hurt myself bad enough and I don't know what to do.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Angelornot

I ended up taking twice the dose of my old anxiety pills and triple the dose on some other old psych med and I know that wasn't really enough to kill me but part of me hoped I would

While it may be not enough to kill you, it is still dangerous. Do you think you are safe at the moment? Is it possible for you to go to the nearest ER?

hold on tight... we're here for you.

angel.....

i hope you are safe. and i am sorry that you got so upset. I think you had every right to be upset - your brother invaded your privacy. You should be upset......

but here is the important thing - you should be upset with him, not yourself. Also - you have the right to be upset with your mom. If your brother has a habit of getting away with crap and she is not stepping in - then you probably feel somewhat neglected/unprotected.

I hope you see that you were right to be upset. Just please do not hurt yourself. You did nothing wrong. He did.

[Angelornot]

I can't go to an ER I can't afford it and my parents aren't gonna pay for it. He came home high and apologized but he was also like "I like you like this. You're always so annoying. Maybe if you keep acting like this I'll let you meet my friends" and I hate it that I'm so annoying to everyone I can't help it I should wait for them to talk to me first sometimes but I think if I did that no one would ever talk to me but at the same time I feel bad kinda making them. But it's just really depressing. I guess I'm one of those people that maybe people like me for five minutes but later they regret ever talking to me. I hate myself and I think about suicide more and more often and the only thing that's stopping me is my girlfriend. I don't want to hurt her. But I have no problem hurting myself and I'm the only person I can safely hurt so I take it all out on me and I don't know...

[Frankbtl]

Hi angel, it sounds like you've a lot going on for you right now, and everything is getting on top of you.........and then the situation with your brother...........though UM is absolutely right, there's no reason you shouldn't have been upset with him. It's just that he isn't worth being any part of a reason to hurt yourself.
And as for him saying you're annoying well that's his opinion and it doesn't need to make it true at all. But if your belief that you are annoying is coming from him, or the depression you seem to be feeling............it's not a belief you have to accept/hold on to. Might not be at all easy for you to shake that, I know but..............
I mean when you're talking to people, instead of waiting for them to talk to you that can be really good. There are going to be people who aren't that good at kicking off conversations and by doing what you're doing you're putting in the "ground work" for them, and letting them know you're approachable.
And I wouldn't necessarily see it as "making them" talk to you, more as opening the doors for them to talk to you if they want, giving them that opportunity/"letting them in" and that can be priceless for some people. Not only that, but considering the way you're feeling I'd say that it was a real achievement to be able to do that.
And you know this feeling: "I guess I'm one of those people that maybe people like me for five minutes but later they regret ever talking to me" probably says much more about depression you're feeling than the reality of the situation.
Then anyone who likes you for five minutes then regrets talking to you, can't really know you. You shouldn't be seeing that as a judgement on yourself, more a reflection on them.
And now, where do you think it may help to go from here?? Maybe focus on/get some help with the getting a job/sorting things out for college?? Maybe seeing a doctor/pdoc about the way you've been feeling?? Maybe confiding a bit more in your girlfriend so she can support you a bit more??......................
But I have got to say for if you're feeling suicidal try to have a plan in place e.g. get an emergency appointment with a doctor, have someone you can phone who can offer you support, have a hotline/crisis line number ready.......even talk to us if it will help you as part of the plan...........we're here for you!!
Just try to be safe.
Alison

[TheTurtleLives]

Hope your okay stay strong and as others said It may not seem harm full but going over the prescribed amount can make you sick very sick go get help....If you ever want to chat there is people here...Let things col down for a few days....Try not to SI !!! Talk to a trusted friend, teacher, family member anyone!!

[Angelornot]

I don't just think I'm annoying because my brother said it. I think I am cause people I used to be friends with will not talk to at all. I talk to people first because only one person ever talks to me first and every time she calls she says that she was bored and might as well call someone. I think I am making people talk to me cause some of them just send a couple basic messages and then ignore me.
Obviously. 5 minutes was an exaggeration. More like a few months. I don't think the problem is that they don't really know me. The problem is that they get to know me.
I asked my parents to send me to a therapist months ago and they didn't so I don't know what to do. I mean I don't know what to do that's healthy.
I tell my girlfriend things but I don't like to talk about it much with her because she gets sad when I'm sad and she worries about me. I do have a crisis number.
Thank you for everything

[Frankbtl]

Hi angel,
"I think I am cause people I used to be friends with will not talk to at all"
Well good that you're not friends with those people anymore, although that doesn't need to make you annoying, might make them annoying though!! Still it sounds like they weren't that much of "friends" to you.
You know some people will just be around for good times and when things aren't easy.........not so much..............sounds like you need/want more than that though??
As for the one's who send basic messages and ignore you, then communication problem??? Some people can get wrapped up in other things/with other people and not notice you as much, but that's not to say that they aren't going to want to know if you make a bit more of a move. It needn't be personal that they're ignoring you........just a bit of a break down in communication.
Then if for some that isn't the case, well you're probably better off without them, right??!!
Anyway, it is good that you're trying to talk to people/making the first move. You are going to come across people who you're not going to "hit it off" with, people who feel they haven't got that much in common with you. That's OK, everyone's different.
But just by talking to people, you're going to increase your chances of finding people who are going to be real friends to you, people who are going to like you for you, people who are going to support you/be there for you, people who aren't going to walk away when they get to know you. And you know, people like that don't come along all the time (for anyone!!), but worth persevering for, worth waiting for.
As for being without a therapist, maybe keep on pushing that with your parents?? But if it's a problem, haven't tried it but there is a "ask a therapist" bit on here. Don't know if that will help just a little?? And of course there's some great advise/support on here too.
But good you talk to your girlfriend about some things too. I'm guessing she's going to be wanting to help you with difficult things just as much as you'd be wanting to help her if she had problems??
And don't hesitate to use the crisis line number if you need to. They should be there to help.
Alison

[Angelornot]

Half the people who aren't talking to me used to really help me. Let me call them when I needed to. One even stopped what she was doing to come over to my house when I was really upset. But what you say about other people does make sense. So thanks I don't want to push my parents and get kicked out. They cant afford to keep spending money on all my problems. I'm 18 so if one of my brothers needs something they get it first. Yeah be in on this website does help though (people like you - thank you)
My girlfriend does try to help but I hate to worry her. Her job is pretty stressful and her mom just got a divorce she just had to move in with her grandmother I don't want to burden her more. The crisis line has helped in the past though.
Thank you for taking the time to answer me.