[Detia]

Slowly realizing the triggers that tend to set me off. It's really difficult because usually the trigger occurs situationally earlier in the day or week and it just ends up building until I don't know what's going on but for some reason I just have to SI/SH.

Last night I was drunk and I know that's a huge part of it. There were things going on with my roommates and the more and more I learn about what triggers me the more and more I see reflections going back to my parent's divorce... How they behaved in my formative years with the arguing, yelling, and physical fighting.

I was committed not too long ago and they told me I had trauma and ptsd and that was difficult to accept, I'm still trying to accept it. Just like I've been trying to accept that I have social anxiety.

So my living situation and my roommates break-up are my trigger right now, I live in it. I spent all day having a complete melt-down and trying to pull myself out of it unsuccessfully. Someone ended up coming by to pick up one of my roommate's things around 6 or 7 in the evening and I ended up gripping my arm so tightly with my fingernails that I still have marks at 3 in the morning which is a bit startling for me.

I understand that at this point it gives me a sense of clarity, and that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for that clarity that will bring back my motivation and wherewithall...

I have to find a better way to get these things.

waking up and breathing are my triggers.

[Detia]

I'm sorry to hear that Useless Me... Sometimes it is for me too. It's just how the day starts.