[lovebugg56]

I started cutting when i was 12 years old, I have been threw so much stuff in my life that its really hard to handle some days but i try getting threw it one step at a time. In 2009 i lost two people that were really close to me my aunt and my best friend things went down hill from there to the point i couldnt even get my self out of bed but i tried and tried every day. Going to school and seeing all the hate in everyones eyes towards me just made me come home and cry every day after school.

I would wake up in the mornings and automaticly start cutting before i went to school i would go with my wrists bleeding and i didnt hide it because i didnt care what anyone had to say i mean they were already judging me and they didnt even know me. my friends saw them and took me directly to the counselors office and thats when the lies began i told her it was nothing that everything was fine and that my cat had scratched me cause no one could tell the difference with the way i had pulled the blade across my skin. we then moved back to my home town where all the people i knew had moved on and made new friends and this was my 8th grade year i just wanted to be left alone but things got so bad i started failing all the classes i loved and pushing people away including my teachers but i really didnt care anymore. started making some friends but everytime i would turn around one of them was talking behind my back and it really hurt me,

I am 18 now and i just recently started cutting again and have been hiding it for about 3 months now. I stopped for a few years but since i left high school in 2013 i have been really depressed and the cutting makes me feel like all the pain is going away. Ive been threw a lot since last year, I was suppose to get married this past june and that didnt happen because the guy and i started fighting a lot more than most people should to the point he would hit me and tell me i was worthless but i didnt leave because i loved him. The reason i was depressed though is because i lost my aunt in february and my uncle last august so things have been really hard plus we would fight about money all the time over and over again. Now im not with him because i finally told him to get out and dont come back but i still love with a lot i just dont want to go down that road again with being not only physically abused but mentally and emotionally to.

I am now with a man that i truly love but one problem there hes married and i dont wanna rip his family apart and i dont know how to tell him and i dont think i could get my self to tell him that its over but we can be friends, he has been there since the day we met talking to me and listening to me, making me smile and laugh and giving me butterflies in my stomach when i hear his voice. I have been starting to get depressed again and i told him i wanted to cut again and told me he loved me and that im to beautiful for that but i just cant stop my self i feel hurt,unloved and betrayed half of the time and cutting is my way of coping just the feel of the razor going across my skin makes me feel better sometimes.

I want the pain to go away i have been to counseling and im on medication but it doesnt seem like things are working and i just want to be happy again and not feel like everything in my life is going wrong. I start college in two weeks and i hope it goes the way i want cause i want to better my education not just for me but for the family i hope to have some day. I wanna get married and have the wedding i have dreamed of since i was a little girl. But most of all i wanna stop the self harm, I wanna stop cutting myself everytime i feel like nothing is going right but i just cant get my self to, I feel like i have no one to talk to anymore because my family is never around and i dont wanna go back to counseling again being that they didnt really help me just made things a whole lot worse by bringing up the same subject again and again
Thats not all of my story but thats for another day

[bluekoi]

lovebugg56, Maybe you need to have your medication changed or adjusted? Please tell your doctor about cutting yourself and how you are feeling. Perhaps you could see a different therapist? It takes time to connect with the right one. It's exciting that you are going to college soon!

[lovebugg56]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

lovebugg56, Maybe you need to have your medication changed or adjusted? Please tell your doctor about cutting yourself and how you are feeling. Perhaps you could see a different therapist? It takes time to connect with the right one. It's exciting that you are going to college soon!

I cant wait to start college and ive been on two different medications and my doctor told me that i need to get back in to counseling before he will change my meds again and i am on a walk in basis with the mental health place so i can go in at anytime with no appointment but its just weird to me because im not used to it anymore

[bluekoi]

lovebugg56, What will you be studying at college?

[lovebugg56]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

lovebugg56, What will you be studying at college?

Medical Assisting i actually just finished school in april for my CNA and now im going bck again seems like the only thing that makes me happy is helping other people

[bluekoi]

lovebugg56, That's wonderful! What is CNA? I assuming it is part of Medical Assisting?

[lovebugg56]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

lovebugg56, That's wonderful! What is CNA? I assuming it is part of Medical Assisting?

Certified nurse assistant