[SoulUnderGuillotine]

This is probably a huge trigger for everyone, and I'm sorry about that.

I also wasn't sure where to post this, and I guess here is the best option unless anyone has suggestions.

Anyway. My name is Zack, and I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I was raised on morals. There are things people should never think lest they be bad people. I've spent my entire life trying to be a good person. I've told myself over and over that I would never hurt anyone, that I don't care about what people say, that I don't care about looks, that I wouldn't have a relationship just for sex, that I wouldn't become addicted to anything, that I'd never hit a woman or cheat on my partner. And that I'd never want to do any of these.
But they're all lies, and they always have been.

I am everything I hate in people. I don't want to die, PC, but I do want to murder myself.

I've been thinking all morning. I've been trying to find out the way to die that is the least painful for everyone who knows me.

I don't know how much longer I can stand on this ledge, pretending that everything will be okay. Because I'll never be okay. And I might make a note when I get home.

And on my brother's birthday, too. How selfish of me.

[celtic.starlite]

Please go to a hospital. Dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it may not seem temporary but it is. You said you don't want to die, so help yourself by checking into a hospital. No matter how you do it your family and friends will still be affected, there is no "less painful" way when a loved one goes.
Please get help.

[David866]

For what it's worth, with the exception of hitting a woman, all those things you listed, that you say you hate about yourself, can firmly be placed in the category of "being a human being" People who were raised with VERY unrealistic views of what it means to be "moral" are almost inevitably destined to be disappointed by themselves and others.

If you truly feel you are at the edge, PLEASE get to the closest ER. Take it from me, it is worth the effort, even if you don't see that at this point. I have been inpatient several times in the past few years, and even though there is no "quick fix", it gives you support, reminds you that you're not alone in the way you feel, and breathing room, to reassess and re-evaluate your life and beliefs. To be honest, sometimes I really miss the hospital(except the Capital District Psychiatric Center...food was horrible)

[Frankbtl]

Hi SoulUnderGuillotine,
I'd say that in saying/admitting/facing this:
"I don't know how much longer I can stand on this ledge, pretending that everything will be okay. Because I'll never be okay"
You've taken a massive step- in the right direction- towards hopefully moving forward. Often pretending means that you're just bottling things up, but that doesn't mean that they aren't still effecting you, they aren't still eating away inside you.
And you're right, when you're "going it alone" or not getting any real help, sometimes things aren't going to get any better, sometimes things are never going to be OK, sometimes things are just going to keep getting worse.
So I'd say that it can be so important in getting help- and yes, professional help- when things are feeling like that.
So............options........what do you think?? Phoning a crisis/helpline, or even contacting one online?? Making an appointment to see your doctor?? Going to ER if you need too??
Just something, hey?? Because things can change??

And as they do change, you know it doesn't have to go back to the old "spending your life trying to be a good person".
Hardly anyone is going to be "good" 100% of the time, we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes. And even the term "good" can sometimes have different variations/shades/interpretations. Maybe very gradually giving that some more thought, discussion with others can help in time.
But right now, get some real help with the way you're feeling, hey?? Because you deserve it, you're worth it!!!

Alison