[FightingTheStorm]

Hello everyone, I'm new here as a member, but not new here in general. I've used Psych Central for it's information before and only did it occur to me last night that it might be a good idea for me to join the site as a member.
You might be asking why last night was when I decided this. Well, last night I relapsed and self-harmed again. I haven't self-harmed in several months and I'd been doing really good. In the place of hurting myself, I would snap a rubber band on my wrist or I would write how I was feeling, but I haven't been wearing my rubber bands for a while now, and I wasn't really in the mood to be writing then and there, and so I relapsed. I think the part that hurts the most about it was how disappointed I am in myself for relapsing. I had been doing so good.
If you haven't read my new member intro, I'll paraphrase a bit here: I've had two mentally/emotionally abusive relationships and my latest one recently came to a complete and total end. To the point that I am barely friends with my ex anymore, though we do still talk. He is now dating the person he cheated on me with and I am friends with her.
So they are happy together, and don't have much time for me and keep trying to pull away from me. One of my other really close friends (that I have a crush on) is dating his roommate, and I only recently found out about this. My dad is engaged to his girlfriend that is a year older than me.
I'm not doing very good in school.
And I guess that all of these stressors and emotions just became too much and I couldn't find anything that could make me happy. I tried watching Cupcake Wars, it's a guilty pleasure of mine and I watch it when I'm trying to cheer myself up and escape from my bad feelings. Because cupcakes. I mean...really.
I bought some chocolate milk from the Convenience Store on the first floor of my building, and drank most of it while eating wheat thins, and that usually at least makes me feel a little better. I didn't get anything from it.
I tried listening to music, but every song I listened to reminded me of someone or something that hurt me in the past, reminded me of situations that made me hurt.
I couldn't cry because I just recently got a new roommate and I don't feel comfortable crying around strangers. But crying usually at least relieves some of the pent up feelings.
I couldn't find relief in any of the things that usually brought me relief, so I found my blade in my drawer and I ended up abusing my arms... It made me feel better at the time and then other things piled up again, someone I care for deeply got mad at me for something I didn't understand and they left me there alone and I started having thoughts of "They would be better off if I weren't here" "My parents would have less to deal with if I just went away"
and things like that. So, knowing that I was in a critical spot, I got online and started looking up all the things that I could about suicide and one thing led to another and something that I found led me here, and I decided to make an account.
So hello, I am here and trying to jump back on my bandwagon.
You can call me K

[kaliope]

hi k
well i am certainly glad that you decided to join up. you do sound like you have a lot of stressers piling up on you and you mention quite a few coping skills and i am sorry that none of them were effective for you this time. maybe if you had have PC to turn to before you cut you could have used it as a distraction as well. do you have a therapist to talk to who can teach you more coping skills? maybe now would be the time to go get one if you dont. everything sounds situational so it wouldnt be needed for long. dont be afraid to PM people who say things that resonate with you. everybody is here to help. btw, i love cupcake wars too...i wish the new season would start!

Hello K: Well... congratulations on finding PC! There are many wonderful & supportive members here. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health struggles, & to make internet friends. I trust that, at this point, you've begun to find your way around all of our forums & other "attractions"! However, should you have any questions, please feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes... (Hope you're not continuing to cut... )