[Kildesortering]

Hello. I wanted to both share something, and to ask a question. Skip to the bottom for the question, if you'd like. Please keep in mind that this could be very triggering. Please do not tell me to talk to a professional about it, because that's not going to happen. Maybe in a year or so, but not now. I can't explain why.

One time I had cut very deep and long. It was in the middle of the night, and I waited until it was the morning and then went to the doctor. He refused to fix it, because it was too big, so he sent me to the hospital. They seemed surprised, since I had waited so long. (I arrived there nine hours after making the cut). They had to make both internal stitches and normal ones, and it was very fascinating to look at. I was just thinking it looked pretty cool when they stitched me up, and my mom was sitting in the waiting room, scared and worried.

Looking back, I'm a bit... confused. I was not able at the time to see how serious it was, I didn't even feel like it was real. I still have this feeling, that none of my self harm is actually real. When I look at my scars though, I know that it was real, it just doesn't feel like it.

So as you can see, not feeling like it's real could cause me problems - I waited very long before I went to get help, and I was not exactly acting rationally ("just put some bandages on it, I don't want stitches").

My question after all this is: how do I make it feel real? I'm well aware that it is real, thus I hide my scars, it just really doesn't feel real.

[kaliope]

well it sounds like you are probably dissociating from the event and that is why it doesn't seem real to you. so to make it real, you have to have the presence of mind to come out of that dissociative state. the only way I know how to do that is by using all the senses. feel the temperature of the room, the coldness of the steel against your skin. smell the scents. hear everything. see the details in everything. be aware of your touch, what you are sitting on, your clothes touching your body. what is around you? what are those things made of, what are the details? just total awareness of everything. this should keep you in the present.

[mimsies]

I agree with Kaliope.

I use stuffed animals to help me ground myself in the present when I am dissociating. I feel their fur, and describe it, and their shape, parts of them that are of a different shape or texture, like noses and eyes, the seams where parts are sewn together...

I have also used more healed up scars to do the same during urges to SI, feel the difference between smooth uninjured skin and rough scabs or slightly lifted scars, observe the difference between deeper parts of the cuts to shallower, notice and describe the type of pain from the injury- stabbing, burning, throbbing, a combo of any, rate the pain on a scale of one to 10, but also differentiate that if it is different in different places.

[Kildesortering]

Thank you both for your replies.
I don't self harm much anymore, mostly because I want to avoid going to the hospital. I look at my scars every day, and I can feel them and all that, but it's still difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that they are actually there. I keep feeling like I never actually did any of that, and that those scars aren't real. I hide them because I know they're there... but also because I don't really believe they're there.
I showed my scars to my ex a few times while we were still together, and he was acting all worried, he was shaking even. I didn't understand why. It's like everybody else sees something I can't see, but I guess it's just that they know the scars are there. They don't feel like they're not there.