[CrazyGirl6371]

*WARNING: GRAPHIC! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT...*
Well, I started cutting a little over two months ago. I had always told myself that I would never do that. I had thought of it before and been so close to actually doing it, but I would never follow through. Until July 22nd. It wasn't bad. My razor was dull, and I only cut my fingers so they could possibly pass for papercuts, if I was asked. After that night, I made an appointment to get mental health help, finally. I didn't like the person I was that night and who I felt like I had become; everything was just getting worse and worse, and I felt so out of control. After a month, I was put on medicine. I take trazodone and a generic medicine for Zoloft. Neither of them are helping me, but I have had a hallucination while on them, and frequently suffer from nausea and diarrhea (embarrassing as it is). I have, also, noticed that I am much more irritable. Loud noises or people talking at the same time or pretty much anything can make me feel like my head's just going to explode. So, after a month, I hadn't cut, and I was pretty proud of that. I had thought about it and wanted to do it many times, but I had overcome the urge, and I was satisfied with myself. However, Monday was different. After two months of not cutting, I did it, again. I can't even tell you what my trigger was. I don't deal well with stress, and everything seems to stress me out. I was having a difficult day and week and month, and everything was just so difficult. So, I figured out a way to do it. I decided to just cut a little; just a few cuts, and I'd be done. I had found a serrated knife in a nightstand by my bed, and I got an alcohol pad from my first aid kit. I told my mom I was going to shave (I did shave, though, so I didn't technically lie...). I turned up music and ran the water. I washed my forearm, especially around my wrist, and cleaned the knife off with the alcohol pad. And I cut myself. Over and over and over, again. At least, fifty times, and most likely a lot more than that. I cut until I saw blood, and I kept going. I felt the knife's serrated edges getting stuck in my skin, and I just pulled them through and kept cutting. I saw blood and skin on the knife, and there were so many marks below my wrist, but I couldn't stop. I sat there, literally sawing at my arm with the knife, for at least fifteen minutes... I cut until the physical pain was worse than the emotional pain. I cut until it hurt so badly that I nearly screamed and cried with pain. I had lost the control that I thought I had. Control is just an illusion. It's my facade; the problem is that I don't know what is beneath the facade, now. And I have no control, and I have never felt that out of control before. I tremble when I talk about it, and it hurts to think about it. I didn't know that woman in the bathroom. I don't know myself, anymore. I'm afraid. And I cleaned off the knife and hid it back in my nightstand, for next time...

[Bewilderbeest]

I'm so unsure what to do with that. Did you stop taking the meds or anything? Just wanted to post and tell you I'll be praying for you. You said you got "mental health help" - is this a professional you can go talk to? Because it really sounds like you need to. Concentrate on being able to come tell us what's going on, if that gives you a goal to shoot for.

[Browncurtains]

I can't say I totally know how you feel but I understand a little bit. I used only cut on my fingers because if I cut anywhere else I'd be caught, but now it's gotten worse. The first time I cut I said I'd never do it again but here I am. I gained some control over this by finding other things to do than cut: I squeeze an ice cube in my hand till it hurts so bad, I've also heard that snapping a rubberband on your worst helps though I've never tried that. Also try asking for different medications if the ones your on are not working. I'll be praying for you.

[CrazyGirl6371]

Thanks for your prayers. I really appreciate it. I hadn't stopped taking medication. They switched my medicine Friday, though. I was on generic Zoloft and trazodone. Neither of them helped me. Now, I'm on Abilify and benzopine (to combat the side effects of the Abilify that may occur). So, my psychiatrist is putting me on an antipsychotic, instead of antidepressants... The only thing I've noticed, thus far, is that the medicine makes me very drowsy... I have wanted to cut for a couple days, now... It's really hard not to do it. The other cuts haven't even healed, yet. Maybe, I should use a straight edge knife, not a serrated knife? Perhaps, the cleaner cuts will help me heal faster. I've been putting Vitamin E oil on it, as well, and keeping them clean... I hate that cutting helps me, but I just can't see any other option, sometimes. It feels good, for a little while, anyway... Please, keep me in your prayers. Thank you so much.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

The other cuts haven't even healed, yet. Maybe, I should use a straight edge knife, not a serrated knife? Perhaps, the cleaner cuts will help me heal faster. I've been putting Vitamin E oil on it, as well, and keeping them clean... I hate that cutting helps me, but I just can't see any other option, sometimes. It feels good, for a little while, anyway... Please, keep me in your prayers. Thank you so much.

Serrated is going to tear rather than cut so yes, it's going to take far longer to heal and will also leave longer lasting/permanent scarring dependant on level of excess/depth (from personal experience that is).

Are you using/had suggested to you methods of reducing the urge? There is the generic elastic band pinging technique (I don't find that one particularly useful), but there are various breathing/distraction techniques that might help in addition to the medication (and whilst the meds take time to get into your system)... personally I try to use one called STOP which involves taking a deep breath for 3 seconds, holding for 3 and releasing for 3 and repeating this about 10 times.

But yeah, there are plenty of sites out there that give suggestions on helping you to reduce the urge (at the top of this sub forum there is also a resource thread that you can add to if you find something that works well for you)

The following one is British (I'm in the UK) but it covers some tips on self help and gives a general synopsis on why some of us self harm in the first place:

[CrazyGirl6371]

I made a mistake; the second medication I'm on, now, is benztropine, I believe, not benzopine. I cut, again, today. This time, the cuts are longer and going to be even harder to hide, but I wasn't even thinking about how I was going to hide them, at the time. I tried the elastic band trick (with a hairtie), to no avail. The other ones look like they're going to leave some pretty obvious scars, especially since I'm fair-skinned. I don't want to be this person, and I'm afraid my family and coworkers will find out and judge me. Only four people know: my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my ex-fiance, and my best friend... I don't really talk much to my ex-fiance, now, though... But this makes the third time. I barely made it a week... :'( I feel like such a failure today. No job, no cell phone, no Internet, no car insurance, family being horrible... My little brother called me a vulgar name, and I snapped. I can't handle this. The new cuts still sting, but I already feel like I need to do it, again. Please, please, pray for me. God knows, I need it...

[Bewilderbeest]

Originally Posted by CrazyGirl6371

... this makes the third time. I barely made it a week... :'( I feel like such a failure today.. Please, please, pray for me. God knows, I need it...

Consider it done, and done again. I think it is hopeful that you can resist for a week. Just try extending it a little. We're pulling for you. As for the 'failure' - you arent' defined by everything that is going wrong. Concentrate on what you can make right, and build on it.

[CrazyGirl6371]

Thank you, Bewilderbeest. It is so hard to resist, now, especially when I feel my emotions getting out of control. It grounds me for a few minutes. I keep telling myself it's not worth it, that it only helps for a little while, and I will likely scar. I keep doing deeper and longer cuts.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I did it, again, Tuesday... I don't know if it was just me or partially the medicine I was on (Abilify), but I have been getting worse. To the point that I cried when I found out I couldn't fatally overdose on either of my medications. I just want this all to be over.
I'm on different medicine, now. Round 3, Take 5... Wish me luck...

[CrazyGirl6371]

I am on Seroquel and benztropine, now. I was on 50mg/day. Then, 100mg/day. And I started getting sick (nausea and vomiting), and they're trying me back on 50mg/day. But it doesn't help me at all... I cut, again, today. It was just too much. I'm disappointed in myself and afraid. If I have to stay on just 50mg/day, I think it would be best for me to be admitted into an inpatient facility... I can't handle this.

[CrazyGirl6371]

And again. I figured out my trigger. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I've cut on the third, the fifth, and the sixth. I'm going to try to avoid that today, even though it's become very tempting.

[CrazyGirl6371]

I ended up cutting that day, too. November 7th... But I've not cut since then, even when it is almost too much to handle, and the razor blade is so tempting. But I haven't. Things have been very difficult for me lately, but I haven't done it. I feel a little sense of pride in that.
The pride would be greater, though, if I haven't had breakdowns where I literally curl up in a fetal position or lie on the floor and just cry and cry and cry...