[MoosyNickel]

For a very long time, I thought that the only way I brought harm to myself was by sharpening a switch blade with my skin; however, I have recently had a revelation. Self-harm is not always physical. I have this habit - more of an addiction I guess you could say. I enjoy engaging in destructive behavior.

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last year due to loss of love, I started throwing myself at any man who would give me attention. Very common in today's society, I realize, however I feel that my decisions had ulterior motives. I found myself wanting to meet up with strange men and end up getting kidnapped, raped, killed, or all of the above. I began to chose incredibly crazy men to meet up with for this very reason. I also began to intentionally hurt the people around me in order to bring harm to myself. When I recently got involved in a new relationship this past October, I found myself continuing old habits that I hoped would die out. I would still hang out with old "friends" who I knew were sexually attracted to me in hopes that they would make a move and I would just be the "victim." Then after the fact, I would allow myself to get incredibly intoxicated and I would admit to my boyfriend that someone came on to me. The other day, I exposed my secret to my boyfriend and somehow I ended up losing my mind on him and physically abusing him out of rage (possibly because he had done that to me once before). I swear I am not insane, and I'm not an abusive or manipulative person. It's just that this destructive behavior is sometimes out of my control, and I find that my manic episodes make me incapable of stopping them. I don't know how to change this lifestyle, but I hope it isn't too far from reach.

[kaliope]

well you have taken the first step in recognizing the behaviors. now is time to go get help and gain coping skills so that you can stop them.

[Ad Intra]

Congrats for finding this out about yourself! I do agree that some behaviors can be self-harming like pushing people away and meeting up with strange men. These behaviors can lead you down a painful road.