All types of Self-Harm

For a very long time, I thought that the only way I brought harm to myself was by sharpening a switch blade with my skin; however, I have recently had a revelation. Self-harm is not always physical. I have this habit - more of an addiction I guess you could say. I enjoy engaging in destructive behavior.

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last year due to loss of love, I started throwing myself at any man who would give me attention. Very common in today's society, I realize, however I feel that my decisions had ulterior motives. I found myself wanting to meet up with strange men and end up getting kidnapped, raped, killed, or all of the above. I began to chose incredibly crazy men to meet up with for this very reason. I also began to intentionally hurt the people around me in order to bring harm to myself. When I recently got involved in a new relationship this past October, I found myself continuing old habits that I hoped would die out. I would still hang out with old "friends" who I knew were sexually attracted to me in hopes that they would make a move and I would just be the "victim." Then after the fact, I would allow myself to get incredibly intoxicated and I would admit to my boyfriend that someone came on to me. The other day, I exposed my secret to my boyfriend and somehow I ended up losing my mind on him and physically abusing him out of rage (possibly because he had done that to me once before). I swear I am not insane, and I'm not an abusive or manipulative person. It's just that this destructive behavior is sometimes out of my control, and I find that my manic episodes make me incapable of stopping them. I don't know how to change this lifestyle, but I hope it isn't too far from reach.

well you have taken the first step in recognizing the behaviors. now is time to go get help and gain coping skills so that you can stop them.

Congrats for finding this out about yourself! I do agree that some behaviors can be self-harming like pushing people away and meeting up with strange men. These behaviors can lead you down a painful road.