[Ms. DeeSurvivor]

I don't really know how to feel about it.
I still have strong impulses
When i'm angry, frustrated, or feel out of control.
Sometimes i just want 2 cut myself until i feel better
but i know that's not the answer. Anymore.
It might sharpen my focus temporarily, or relieve some stress
but now. i just try 2 take it out on the pavement i run on.
Running & exercising a lot has tremendously helped clear my mind.
Especially when i'm troubled drowning in my thoughts of negativity & sorrow.
I know i still need professional help. I'm just trying to do the best i can
without hurting myself.
I shouldn't have to do that anymore 2 feel better.
It's unhealthy, so why do i still have these strong urges?
And moments that seem so unbearable as if i NEED to in order to calm down?
Maybe because SI has been my coping mechanism for so long...
I started when i was 13 or 14. I'm going to be 26 this year.
I've made a lot of progress but not enough.
I don't like being depressed or feeling STUCK.
There's so much on my mind all the time.
I've started writing more
tying to find healthy outlets...but sometimes
it takes so long to work..Doing the right thing i suppose
Which is not harming myself when i'm upset.
I guess my goal is to NOT THINK about SI as a tool 2 help regain my composure when i'm Overwhelmed.
Sometimes i get frustrated when i think about wanting to do it...
I don't wanna hurt myself anymore
There's too many people out there that want to
And i'm still damaged from the pain they inflicted upon me.
I just want to heal already

I know it seems that after a year you shouldnt be having the urges. Unfortunately it is one of those things you may fight for years. The fact you have acted shows that you are healing and are stronger than the intrusive thoughts.

you're doing so well in not doing it. i know how agonising the urges are. it helps if you can talk about them and get them out.