I just figured out the date because I just learned when my last hospitalization was. The last time I hurt myself was in the hospital (I think)
I don't usually post in this forum or the other forums specific to a diagnosis. Why, I don't know. I just find myself more in Psychotherapy and General social chat.
I came here because I am freaking out a tad. I just found an old camera.

Possible trigger:

I downloaded the pics that were still on it and found some nasty ones. I found pics of my last major injury. This injury was done while in the hospital and I almost ended up back in the real hospital due to infection. When I say nasty, I mean nasty

so much is flashing through my mind right now. I so wish I didn't find those pictures.
They should be a reminder of why I don't hurt myself anymore, but they aren't. This injury was the first time I let a person in my life know what I did. I have no idea why I am writing this, I just needed to tell someone I found these pics and don't know how to react to them. I don't even remember taking these pics, who does that????

I just tried to delete the pics from my camera and could not do it. My thought was that I needed to save them for some reason. I so wish I knew why this is coming up now? I have been in such a good place for awhile. Working my *** off to be okay. Doing everything to be okay. Now I don't feel so okay.

I was so happy when I found the camera. I have been seeing some incredible sites and wanted a way to preserve them without bugging hubby all the time for his phone camera.

Now I don't feel so good after finding what was on it.

I know, Let It Go. So easy yet so very hard.

Maybe I just need to vent somewhere where I will not be judged. I am so not done venting yet if that is what I need to do. I have a life obligation in a very short time, so my venting will have to wait.

Possible trigger:

I refuse to give in to the compulsion I am feeling right now and I so thought this was in my past.

I do not know what peoples triggers are so I will play it safe. Chocolate and bacon are my biggest triggers. I kid you not. I so regret telling a couple people that as they always bring them up. I think on purpose too. Man I need some help.

[HollowRhythms]

((((((((((((((Em)))))))))))) my dear, you are an amazing woman, and i will always be here for you. good times, and especially the bad (that's when we need people most right?) I love you my dear, and i'm so very sorry you're going thru this, you're right you have worked your butttt offffff, surprised you have any booty left. Please know you have a lot of people who care about you and will listen to you anytime you need....

Thank you so much ((((hollow)))) for this reply and for being in chat when I needed you there most. Talking to you helped me realize that these pics were from one of my lowest times. It reminded me of when my Hubby found me close to death. No wonder I am reacting the way I am. I do not remember if this was the last time I hurt myself or just the last time I ended up in ER as a result of hurting myself. I would like to think it was the last time ever.

I need to chill, step back, and let myself feel what I need to feel and not let my sick mind take over. Talking to you has helped me realize my healthy brain can win this battle. I can win because I have the friends I need who will support me.

WOW lots of supporting going on in chat today. I wicked supported someone this morning and in return am getting supported. I wonder if that is how life is suppose to work????

Originally Posted by HollowRhythms

((((((((((((((Em)))))))))))) my dear, you are an amazing woman, and i will always be here for you. good times, and especially the bad (that's when we need people most right?) I love you my dear, and i'm so very sorry you're going thru this, you're right you have worked your butttt offffff, surprised you have any booty left. Please know you have a lot of people who care about you and will listen to you anytime you need....

[tradika]

Much love, Emsteria!

[FlowerChild67]

((((((((((((((Em)))))))))))) hope thing work out for you and you do have people who care about you.

Thank you Tradika and Flower. Your support means a lot to me. When I started this thread, I honestly expected more.

This is the first time I was able to actually clearly see Yes, this was the trigger (the pictures), this is what it triggered (I had to figure that out, but with ((((hollow's))))help I did, and this is what I have to do to fix it (I've tried quite a few things some good some not so good. This I am still working on.)

Thank you again

i'm so sorry you got reminded so unexpectedly of those bad times.

i just want to say, its literally amazing that you haven't done it in 2 years. you should be so so proud of yourself. you have true inner strength. keep fighting girl

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

i'm so sorry you got reminded so unexpectedly of those bad times.

i just want to say, its literally amazing that you haven't done it in 2 years. you should be so so proud of yourself. you have true inner strength. keep fighting girl

thank you so much for your support. You may never know how much I appreciate it.

how are you doing today?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

how are you doing today?

I am still processing the whole thing. Will discuss it more with therapist this week. Thank you for asking.

and FuzzyBear I love the dancing chili LOL I've been getting a lot of use of both of these.