[Mr.Pretzel]

Hello,

Me being here, is I guess, my cry for help.

I am a 31 year old guy. For the past 10 months I have been in a relationship where I, for the first time in my life, can actually see a proper future with marriage and children.

Unfortunately 3 months into the relationship something strange happened. When we had a very intense argument, I suddenly started hitting my own face with my fist because I felt so frustrated. I felt like the world around me just got stupid. I could not comprehend how she could not understand that.

Another 2 months later it happened again, same thing. Very intense arguing with my girlfriend about something that is for me clear as crystal but she did not seem to understand. Out of nowhere I started punching my face again several times.

1 week ago it happened again, and just today it happened again. It seems to be getting worse and worse.

I tried to understand what triggers this. I never self harmed myself in my life. I am not an aggressive person at all. I am always calm and quiet.

In the relationship, we have absolutely no issues, apart from her being constantly worried about things which is starting to frustrate me. I assume she is chronically worried and I told her often to get help, but she won’t. First off, I do not want to point with fingers that she is the reason I do this, I simply think it’s what triggers it.
Let me explain.
My girlfriend works as a pharmacist and is quite smart. However she tends to worry about 20 different thing per day that make absolutely no sense to worry about. She takes everything highly personal and tends to overthink everything. She stresses herself to such amount, that she sometimes needs valium just to be able to sleep.
Over the past 10 months, every single day I am listening to how much she hates her job, how much she thinks every person she works with hates her. She is always worried about something that could go wrong at work. I keep trying to calm her down every single day.

Here is an example of what lead to one of my self harming incidents.
I pick up my girlfriend from work. I listen to her telling me how bad her day is. She tells me her neck is crazy sore. She goes on telling me how people behind her back at work hate her and write unfair emails to her managers. For every issue she’s telling me, I try to stay rational and give her the best advice I can.
She then calls her sister (as she does most of the days to get the opinion of her sister who is an M.D) and tells her how bad her day was. This most often results in my girlfriend shouting on the phone to her sister because of the advice she’s given. When I hear her shouting on the phone I already get uncomfortable and I leave the room because I can feel like I am getting anger built up inside of me. I really can’t stand when people shout near me.

The evening continues with her suddenly and out of nowhere asking me to eat more fruits and vegetables. She really gets totally nervous and tells me I need to eat more fruits NOW. I ask her again to calm down and that I will eat more vegetables and fruits (although she knows I eat that every day). Later out of nowhere she tells me that I really have to go fix my tooth because I have a gap. I told her many times that this is expensive and once I have the money I’ll get braces, but she turns that into a super heavy conversation like I am about to die in 5 minutes if I don’t get braces right now. I do not feel like there is any anger building up nor frustration inside me.
Later she suddenly starts talking about how she won’t take any taxis to work when there’s a black guy driving, because she insists that ALL black drivers don’t know their way around the city and that ONLY black taxi drivers are involved in crimes, such as stealing and raping. As it was, I knew the statistics of crimes related to taxi drivers and race because I read about them a few weeks earlier, so I explained to her that this is complete nonsense. It’s actually the opposite, that more white taxi drivers are involved in crimes rather than black guys. We then started arguing and it got very racists and I couldn’t believe how naive and small minded she has gotten in that conversation. I could not comprehend how she was actually convinced that ALL black taxi drivers are raping women. After minutes of intense arguing I felt so overwhelmed I suddenly punched my own face 6-8 times until I felt a sense of relief.

I had now 5 of these incidents within the past 10 months, and they were all identical. It starts off that I listen to my girlfriend, what is in my opinion, total ludacris things to worry about and it ends up in an argument because I feel like the thing we’re arguing about is so crystal clear there shouldn’t even be an argument. I do not understand how she can stay so naive. It feels like I am explaining to someone the earth is round, yet the other person insist it’s flat. This drives me completely nuts.

Again, I do not want to point with fingers at her, because she is not the cause. I am sure I would have the same incidents happening if I am close to someone else and I would argue with them as well. It simply happens that she is my trigger point.

Today when it happened, I even told my girlfriend please stop with this non sense, I am getting really frustrated again. I really tried to keep it from happening by letting her know if this arguing continues I will have another incident. Unfortunately I could see it in her eyes that she was so into it that she didn’t want to stop and BAM it ended with me punching my face.
My girlfriend said that I HAVE to get help for this as soon as possible, which I totally agree. I need help!
Funny enough, when I tell her to get help about her stress and worrying, she said she doesn’t want psychological help because then everyone will think she’s a, and I quote “a Psycho”.

Anyway, I tried to psychoanalyze myself to see how I could avoid these incidents or what really causes it.
All I know is that they really go from zero to 100 within a split second. In one moment I can feel totally okay arguing and the next second I’m gone.
I noticed that when I am around her and she screams at me or on the phone to her sister, I get angry inside. One time she stood next to me while I was washing the dishes and she screamed on the phone and I felt like throwing a glass on the floor, but I didn’t.

Another thing I found, is that, when I watch controversial YouTube where for example religious people go on and explain how the earth is 7000 years old because it’s written in the Bible, I get the same frustrating anger inside me. Again because these people are so naive about a topic that is so abandonedly clear, except I do not have the feeling of punching my face, I just have the anger inside me.

It seems that whatever makes me angry inside, is about things that are crystal clear and I am passionate about.

About me personally:
I am 31 years old. I would consider myself introvert and good common sense. I do not belong to any religion and I consider myself agnostic. I am very passionate about philanthropy in regards to equality such as race and sexual orientation. I am also very passionate about science in general, I tend to read a lot. I always try to see the glass half full and be positive. I feel like I have it very easy to put myself into someone else's shoe and see their point of view (except with these certain arguments).
My favorite music since childhood has mainly been classical music.
I often feel like people around me are not on the same level as me. I cannot do small talk, I need deeper conversations. My circle of real friends is small, but luckily they’re all on my level.
I am a very calm person and I could never hurt a fly, however it scares me that I am capable of doing harm to myself and at the same time feel like it’s releasing pressure.

I need help to control this and I would like to figure out why I do this.

[LonesomeTonight]

First, hugs! This is probably not what you want to hear. But if your girlfriend is triggering you this badly--and if the first incident happened only 3 months into your relationship--then I think you need to consider that this is not a healthy relationship for you. You say that you have no issues in the relationship, but it sounds like you really have quite a few.

A big red flag for me is that fact that she's insisting you get help for the SH, but refuses to get help herself for what sounds like at least generalized anxiety disorder (which I have). I had something similar with a boyfriend in college, who was clearly depressed, as was I. But he insisted I was the one who had to get help, while he didn't need it (meanwhile, he was saying stuff like I was the only thing he had to live for, etc.). Honestly, it sounds like she's just trying to control you (which she likely sees in terms of "fixing you"), like in terms of the SH, the gap in your teeth, eating more fruits, etc., without really looking at herself. Plus it sounds like she's racist, which is something I wouldn't be able to deal with.

You mention how you think the SH might be releasing pressure--that's what it sounds like to me too. Do you have trouble dealing with the feeling of anger in general? Like both being angry at people and having them be angry at you? I have that, and it's something I'm working on in therapy.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist, if you don't already have one, for help with the SH, yes, but also for why you're considering marriage with someone who it sounds like makes you miserable (or is at least making you want to hit yourself!). You deserve better!

[Mr.Pretzel]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your reply, I honestly appreciate that. Hugs back to you!

I do not believe my girlfriend is racist nor homophobic (yes there was an argument about gay people as well, where I got angry at her for saying that gay/lesbians shouldn't be allowed to adopt children). I think it's related to her being not very educated about these social issues in our society. She works like crazy and has almost no social life. She did grow up in Poland, which is not as far advanced regarding those issues as other western european countries or north america.

I am convinced that she's not racist nor homophobic. Once I explain to her these things, she reads up and then makes a new decision. It just that I grew up in a different country where equality is more advanced, so I guess it's a cultural issue in our relationship.

It did cross my mind as well to take a step back from this relationship as it doesn't seem to be healthy for me and affects my work (I am self employed). However I also know that those anger issues I have, are not because of her, it simply is being trigger while arguing with her. I am sure I would have those anger issues with anyone if I am close to them and these arguments would come up.

That being said, it seems I am more talking about her rather than me, and I am the issue here, no her. I have to find out why I have these out bursts and how I can control them, because so far all my rational attempts to stop them, have been useless. I am simply being overwhelmed by anger.

I do not have a therapist, but I guess I will have to find one.

Here is a question.
4 years ago I have been in a relationship where I have put a huge amount of work into it and I have moved countries, quit jobs etc. only to find out that that woman was cheating on me all along. It completely devastated me. I tried to make it work by forgiving her, but a few months later she simply had a new affair with someone else. There were big fights towards the end of that relationship and I remember feeling the same amount of anger inside me as I do now, but back 4 years I was able to control my self, I never felt like harming myself.

2 years ago, I was living by myself and I had a break in my house.

Possible trigger:

I was heavily assaulted, blackmailed for money, dragged out on the streets and beaten up quite badly. Luckily the neighbors called the guards (police). The guards then questioned us on what happened. I explained that I do not know him, he simply rang the bell and attacked me and demanded money. The guy who broke in, came up with a total ludacris story, saying that I owed him money (although I do not know him) and that I sent his children pictures of my girlfriend. Basically insisting that I am some kind of pervert or pedophile. I was speechless when the guards told me what he accuses me off. I told them that I never met him, don't know who he was and that is complete BS. I was actually intimidated by the fact that I am being accused of doing such things as well as still in shock of me being assaulted. It was such a strange moment in my life. At some stage I thought that guy would kill me and once it was over, it suddenly turned around and looked like I am the bad guy.

The guards then said best is to just shake hands and leave it at that. One of the female guards made a complete inappropriate comment to me when leaving saying, if I had sent her children photos, she would react the same! I couldn't believe what she just said! I felt like the police took his side.
They said they will make sure he won't be coming back here again. Being in shocked I just agreed and said I won't file a report, I left to go to the hospital.
Shortly after I decided to move out, as I didn't feel comfortable living there anymore.
Months later I received threats from that guy via Facebook. I guess he found out my name and then searched for me on Facebook. He threatened that I should give him money or otherwise he will find my family and "cut their faces and leave them paralyzed".
I simply ignored that and blocked him.

Over the next year, rarely a day passed where I didn't think about what happened. I often re-play the incident in my head on what I could have done differently. I thought about going to the police and make a full statement, but I never did.

Ever since that incident, whenever I accidentally hit my head, or hurt myself, I am immediately overwhelmed with anger and suddenly feel like I would be back when he assaulted me, just so I could fight back and let my anger out on him.

I wonder if the incident of my cheating ex and the break-in and assault are contributing to these outburst I have, and if so, I could I deal with something like this.

It sounds like she is definitely triggering the episodes of self harm, unfortunately, as someone else said.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Mr.Pretzel

2 years ago, I was living by myself and I had a break in my house.

Possible trigger:

I was heavily assaulted, blackmailed for money, dragged out on the streets and beaten up quite badly. Luckily the neighbors called the guards (police). The guards then questioned us on what happened. I explained that I do not know him, he simply rang the bell and attacked me and demanded money. The guy who broke in, came up with a total ludacris story, saying that I owed him money (although I do not know him) and that I sent his children pictures of my girlfriend. Basically insisting that I am some kind of pervert or pedophile. I was speechless when the guards told me what he accuses me off. I told them that I never met him, don't know who he was and that is complete BS. I was actually intimidated by the fact that I am being accused of doing such things as well as still in shock of me being assaulted. It was such a strange moment in my life. At some stage I thought that guy would kill me and once it was over, it suddenly turned around and looked like I am the bad guy.

The guards then said best is to just shake hands and leave it at that. One of the female guards made a complete inappropriate comment to me when leaving saying, if I had sent her children photos, she would react the same! I couldn't believe what she just said! I felt like the police took his side.
They said they will make sure he won't be coming back here again. Being in shocked I just agreed and said I won't file a report, I left to go to the hospital.
Shortly after I decided to move out, as I didn't feel comfortable living there anymore.
Months later I received threats from that guy via Facebook. I guess he found out my name and then searched for me on Facebook. He threatened that I should give him money or otherwise he will find my family and "cut their faces and leave them paralyzed".
I simply ignored that and blocked him.

Over the next year, rarely a day passed where I didn't think about what happened. I often re-play the incident in my head on what I could have done differently. I thought about going to the police and make a full statement, but I never did.

Ever since that incident, whenever I accidentally hit my head, or hurt myself, I am immediately overwhelmed with anger and suddenly feel like I would be back when he assaulted me, just so I could fight back and let my anger out on him.

I wonder if the incident of my cheating ex and the break-in and assault are contributing to these outburst I have, and if so, I could I deal with something like this.

Wow, that's awful what happened to you! It sounds like you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from the attack and what happened afterward. You should definitely see a therapist to deal with that. I'm thinking the SH is related, especially because you're kind of doing to yourself what the assailant did to you. So processing what happened and how you're feeling about it in therapy could help.

The cheating ex might be making you have doubts about your current partner, if you get into a fight. And that's good if she's willing to change her mind about misconceptions.

But I think the likely PTSD is your biggest issue here...

[i dont matter]

same here except I am a LOT older than you.