[sickofscreaming]

I remember when I first started cutting. I did it as a last resort to focus on something other than what I felt. This was before I understood my mental illness and my gender identity and such. Of course, I still cut from emotional pain, but most of the time, I do it just because. I've been trying to stop because of the affect it'll have later, but... I don't want to stop. It's my drug. And nothing can replace it. Why?

Because I like the aftermath.

Most people do it for pain or blood and can easily get that through a red marker or an icecube. I'm looking for the perminent mark that doesn't wash off and one that hurts later. I know it sounds sickening and it's romanticization, but I like how cuts look. I hate myself for romanticizing something so awful. I hate myself for being addicted to self harm. I hate it I hate it I hate it

[roboanxia]

I don't hate it, but I want you to take care of yourself. SI isn't safe.

[Fizzyo]

Self harm is indeed a difficult addiction to break, I really feel for your ambivalent feelings, I am similarly ambivalent, it helps me so I don't want to stop, but I know it's not helpful long term. If you seriously want to try and stop, I suggest you try and find a specialist organisation with specialist therapists to help you identify what is driving the behaviour and how you can wean yourself off. It's never easy, but people swear that it's worth it.
I understand your need for a mark and for pain, it's not unusual.
I have tried to make a kind of peace with myself on the subject, self harm is understandable, if damaging, so punishing yourself or blaming yourself doesn't help you.
Be kind to yourself as best as you can, YOU DESERVE IT.