[orangemnm]

I'm new to this but figured this may be worth a shot if it'll offer some help.
This may get lengthy but I feel some back story is pertinent here. Any advice, suggestions, input would be appreciated.

I was in a relationship for about almost 2 years. He seemed great. He was perfect, romantic, really seemed to know how to treat a woman putting me first and everything. Until the year mark hit and things got rough.
I was going through a lot and still am. I have horrible anxiety/panic attacks and was going through a depression at school, family issues, and a car accident where the woman whose fault it was ended up suing me. Somehow she won, she knew the judge, so no surprise there. But with all that going on my anxiety was worsening and my partner was doing little to help. He would "be there" but then later put me down because he had to be there for me. In one instance I had an attack with his friends on an outing (he was not very good at trying to make me comfortable with his friends), he was there for me and it felt great knowing he was pulling through.....we had returned to his friends for the other half of the evening after I felt better...seemed he was really there for me...but that seemed to only be for show because after the fact he accused me of ruining his entire evening because he wasn't with his friends the entire night. And that was just one instance of him being there for show and putting me down later...
He became really selfish and wasnt appreciating me or anything I was doing for him. Even when I communicated this to him he did nothing to change it. I kept wondering what the heck happened to the man who made me fall in love with him in the beginning...where did he go?

It got worse. He started disrespecting me when it came to going out. He had always seemed like a faithful man, a man who didnt seek womens attention or hooking up and all that. However, on an evening out with his friend he tells me a story of a drunk woman who wanted to dance with him, she left and returned and when she returned she put her arms around him. Although this was not a sexual advance it still made me uncomfortable....hes alone at a club at 4 in the morning and hes ok with a woman touching him and does nothing, not a flinch nothing to put his foot down that he is in a relationship.

Then he started comparing me to other women. And one in particular that he could of had something with someone in the past. He started putting me down, insulting me saying I'm too sensitive, I take everything wrong etc etc. He started giving me excuses for everything...he didnt have enough time or money for this or that yet with his coworkers and more recently female coworkers all of a sudden he had the time and the money and the gas to go places.

I started to feel less important and inadequate as a woman. We broke up and two weeks after he's out with his coworkers, but wait didn't he have no money?? And then later find out all the excuses he gave me he was able to do for one of his female coworkers.....but he says hes not interested in her or dating her.....really fishy.
As a result I was feeling more insecure in the relationship and even more so after. I started hitting myself abusing myself....I started feeling like a worthless piece of ****......he contacts me 4 months after the breakup and makes it seem like he was truely sorry for all the pain he put me through and was going to win me back yada yada yada.....Im still hurt and in pain and still self inflicting and instead of seeing that I need help he runs again. He went from I still love you I still feel that connection I wanna be with you to I dont want a relationship I want to dance and touch other people and be open to other things...you (me) need to work on your issues and that He is protecting himself because I was hitting myself.

I just dont get it. And the hitting has gotten worse...i get upset and start crying and thinking why arent I good enough? Why would he go from one thing to another in such a short time? Why is he ok to do these things for these other girls and not me? Whats wrong with me? I feel worthless and yes the thought of ending my life has come to mind but I just hurt myself more. I just dont know what to do and I hate feeling like I am a worthless piece of ugly **** because what he has said and his actions...which he sees that that is not his fault....

[IowaFarmGal]

It doesn't sound like he's any good for you. I found I was more stable when I didn't have a male in my life. Maybe that's a choice you could make for yourself to get your feet under you? Some if it sounds so much like my ex husband. I pound myself from frustration and feelings of failure, but it's linked to certain people and situations. If that's the case with you could you eliminate the people and situations from your life that lead to hurting yourself? If he's trying to make you over into something that doesn't work for you that isn't your fault. If he's expecting you to be something you can't be could it be his expectations of you are not realistic? If he can't support you in the way you need could it be your expectations of him were not realistic? Can you unhook yourself from bad memories of him and move on?

[Skeezyks]

Hello orangemnm: I see this is your first post here on PC... so... welcome to PsychCentral! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

From reading your post, it sounds as though this man is someone from whom you may want to distance yourself. However, it also sounds as though your experiences with him have provoked some fairly serious reactions on your part. So I wonder if perhaps this experience has uncovered some mental health issues you've been carrying around that are not directly related to your relationship with this particular individual. Perhaps, if you're not already doing so, it might be helpful to explore, with a therapist, what it is that is going on with you... just a thought... I send you my best wishes...

(((hugs)))

[orangemnm]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

It doesn't sound like he's any good for you. I found I was more stable when I didn't have a male in my life. Maybe that's a choice you could make for yourself to get your feet under you? Some if it sounds so much like my ex husband. I pound myself from frustration and feelings of failure, but it's linked to certain people and situations. If that's the case with you could you eliminate the people and situations from your life that lead to hurting yourself? If he's trying to make you over into something that doesn't work for you that isn't your fault. If he's expecting you to be something you can't be could it be his expectations of you are not realistic? If he can't support you in the way you need could it be your expectations of him were not realistic? Can you unhook yourself from bad memories of him and move on?

I agree. When I started going through my depression and anxiety he basically ran and started putting me down because of it. I suppose he just didn't know how to handle and was easier to put me down? I'm sorry about your ex but sounds like you were strong enough to pull yourself away from that. I do notice I do the same thing when I get frustrated. I get fidgety with my hands when I get anxious and sometimes would lead to me hitting myself. I havent done it lately though. And he and I stopped talking. He doesn't realize the damage hes caused and still does cause. =( The thing is he was this great guy, but suppose that is not realistic anymore, perhaps he is nothing but a selfish immature kid now who hasn't truely grown up and cant handle a relationship?

[orangemnm]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello orangemnm: I see this is your first post here on PC... so... welcome to PsychCentral! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

From reading your post, it sounds as though this man is someone from whom you may want to distance yourself. However, it also sounds as though your experiences with him have provoked some fairly serious reactions on your part. So I wonder if perhaps this experience has uncovered some mental health issues you've been carrying around that are not directly related to your relationship with this particular individual. Perhaps, if you're not already doing so, it might be helpful to explore, with a therapist, what it is that is going on with you... just a thought... I send you my best wishes...

Hello. Thank you!

They have although he doesn't see it that way. I'm not sure if it is other underlying issues although I have decided to explore that. Thank you for your reply and suggestions.