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Old Jun 21, 2016, 11:51 AM
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spiritpanda spiritpanda is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Roselle
Posts: 231
sad day. after a year, I went down hill again. I've been left alone so to speak more often and it has taken its toll. Being alone for me opens that part of my thinking and with that, gives me an excuse to just wall off. yesterday, I even went the opposite way coming home from work and bought a new x-acto and when I got home, I just kept playing with it. I fear even telling my mother or my therapist though my therapist is there to help, I can't seem to make it real enough because I disconnect myself from the now. its not as bad as before but than again it never is until a few days later. I hate the feeling when I mess up. I go blank one moment and than the next I wake up and though it's like I never did it, its there and guilt just hold so much that I have to hide the evidence away and so I don't have to deal with the consequences later. I would call my therapist just to talk but my therapist isn't working today and I don't have the funds to see my other one. I'm just at a complete lose today. I can't even leave the house because k have to wait for the electric guy to come and because we had a sudden power outage.

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  #2  
Old Jun 21, 2016, 12:55 PM
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Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
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Hello spiritpanda: I'm sorry you are struggling. Being alone has, in the past, been dangerous for me. The Skeezyks would like to encourage you to gift that new x-acto to your therapist, your mother, or whomever you feel comfortable giving it to. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within.
  #3  
Old Jun 21, 2016, 02:11 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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Old Jun 21, 2016, 06:50 PM
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spiritpanda spiritpanda is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Roselle
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I would give my x-acto to my mom but she doesn't fully understand nor does she sit down to fully understand. she thinks that if I keep at it, its just going to affect us all in some negative way so I should just stop but its not something that'll just go away. as for my therapist, I don't see him for more weeks. decided to do 2 a month because I don't really need intense therapy plus I hardly talk to him about anything besides what's going on with work and school and all that. I just really can't seem to open up though I want to. what I really though is to just cry and let it all out but that virutually impossible for me since I am disconnected from my emotions. no matter how hard I try, I just keep rolling the dice and being sent back to square one

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