[Kiya]

I hate this. I don't want to continue like this.

[smmath]

I think I can relate. Battling this can be exhausting. Do you want to talk about what's going on? You deserve to get the support you need. :

[cakeladie]

Kiya are you ok? Can I help in any way

[Kiya]

No... Not ok
I don't need medical attention or anything (I don't think), and I can't really go into detail...
Yes, battling this is exhausting, especially in its current form. I'm trying so hard, going through all these measures to ensure safety, only to make it 4 days and give in.
I'm feeling defeated and yet I can't stand living like this. This is bigger than me and I don't know how to get ahead of it.
T knows; I see her today and tomorrow.

((((Smmath, Cake)))))

[cakeladie]

Kiya you reach out to us we are here for you

[cakeladie]

[Kiya]

(((Cake)))
Just had therapy. Was super DID switchy and unable (didn't think) to tell her one of me considered "exiting" last night. Hard session. She will call me this evening and I see her tomorrow.
Take care of you, too, cake!

[cakeladie]

Kiya how are you holding up ? Have you been seeing your thepist everyday ? Is there anything I could do for you

[Kiya]

I'm ok-ish. Mom's been in the hospital again and we're not sure quite what's going on. Lots of pain, tests, more pain, more tests...
I've been spending waaaay too much time both with her and in a hospital setting as well as feeding her cat and trying to keep myself safe (especially in the twilight hours).
Today that meant staying with mom from about 9:45 am- 8:30pm and then feeding her cat.
(Yesterday I was with her from Wednesday 12:30am-3pm Thursday.)
I had to get out -went on a walk- and engaged in slightly elevated risk behavior
:trigger:
I went to the top of the parking garage and climbed the Sui fence. No intention beyond that and not particularly dangerous in and of itself... But the risk part is concerning.
I'm holding on and so far have not engaged in harming.
((((Cake))))
Tomorrow I get a break, but the safety planning is exhausting. I can't reach either of my Ts. They don't have emergency contact other than the public crisis lines or walk in clinic.
If I went to the walk in, they'd cab me to psych ER. But I'm the only one there is to care for mom's car and possibly bring her home tomorrow.
It is harder too Brayden with the weather so hot and my hot flashes, I have no reason to wear long sleeves (or ability), so I absolutely cannot engage.
It's stressing me out to not have that coping mechanism. I didn't even tell my pnurse about this.... Mind, she spent half the session telling me her problems (starting with "today I need therapy").
Blah blah I'm ok. Another day through
I'm too tired and too hot to sleep. I still want to act out, but I know I won't.
Urges suck.
Take care of you!

[AmandaBroken]

I hope things are going better for you...